Denied the Love
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: Castle is done with Kate Beckett. He can't keep working with her and so he makes up a story for why he isn't shadowing her anymore. But his heart refuses to let them end that way so he intends to have one last time with her. Little does he know is that this one last time will impact him for the rest of his life.
1. Chapter 1

_You desired my attention, but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart? Oh, tell me now where was my fault for loving you with my whole heart?_

Mumford and sons - _"white blank page."_

* * *

My mother was right…I cannot work side by side with her and feel nothing. Even though I'm mad at her, she still makes me love her and I hate her for it. God, how does she do this? She's driving me crazy in my own thoughts now.

_Why?_ Why would she lie to me about that day? I asked her so many times if she remembered anything. _So many_. And she said no. She always said no. And I, foolishly, believed her. I thought we were past the petty white lies but I guess I'm wrong. Obviously.

I told her how I felt; I told her that I loved her. I love her because she's become such an important person in my life and I would like her to continue to be. Over these years, she's become my best friend and of course, I love her. But I love her more than that too. Maybe it was only me at the time, but I swear that when we first met there was a connection or something like that. And its only been getting stronger throughout the years. But I was just kidding myself. Kate Beckett doesn't look at me that way. Why would a woman as beautiful and as strong and independent and complex _ever_ want to be with me?

But still, she didn't have to lie. She could've told me she didn't feel the same, that I could've lived with. At least I could move on and we could continue being friends but now I can't even look at her without being heartbroken. She must've been embarrassed. When I let those three words slip, she must've been shocked and when she got better, she must've been laughing at me.

God, knowing that she must've been laughing at me with…him just makes me sick. Lying to me was just cowardly. We're both adults here and yes, I know I can act like a child sometimes but she still could've sat me down and told me how she felt. There's no excuse for lying about hearing me.

Well, if she remembered my confession then she must remember the pain of being shot. Now I feel like an asshole for just thinking of myself.

_I love her so much that I can even decide whether it's okay to be angry with her for lying to me!_ How does she mange to drive me crazy and make me love her even more without really trying? This woman…Kate Beckett…god I love her. But I can't love her anymore. Not when she doesn't feel the same and everyday she gives me that smile and it's a lie. That smile I yearn to see everyday, just another act of pity.

I'm leaving…today. Because I can't take this. My emotions are everywhere because of this woman who's constantly breaking my heart and I don't deserve this. As much as I want her to the woman I want to spend the rest if my life with, I need someone honest.

But aren't I being a hypocrite? Didn't I lie to her by not telling her about what Montgomery did? Don't' I deserve this punishment from her? Doesn't my heart deserve to be broken?!

I need to get out of here. I need to get my bearings again.

* * *

As Castle walked into the bull pen only one coffee in hand, he saw her, sitting at her desk. One hand was on her head with her fingers laced in her hair. She was slouched over her desk while writing ferociously in a file. He guessed she didn't have any suspects or one just allibied out. He chose the latter.

"Hey," he greeted coming up behind her.

She turned around to face him and immediately the frustration that was splashed on her face drained out. "Hey," she sighed happily.

"No suspects yet?"

"No," she answered eying his coffee. "Maybe you can come up with something."

He knew he was going to chastise himself later for this, but maybe it was the only way. "Sorry detective but you're on your own now."

"Now?" she was still smiling and it had his heart soaring. But he needed to focus because with a simple conversation she could change his mind.

"Yeah. As of today, I am officially finished shadowing you. Gina and Paula said this is the last Nikki Heat book because it's not doing s well anymore. So they want me to try something new. And by new they mean try resurrecting Derrick Storm."

The color faded from her face and her mouth opened slightly. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him he couldn't leave, she wanted to yell and accuse him of lying. But things haven't been the same between them. It's been awkward and she swears something she hears him insult her under his breath. Or make smart remarks. So she couldn't say anything she was feeling.

"Wow uh, that sucks. I like Nikki," she said.

"Yeah I did at first. But now it's just whatever." Why did he say that? That was just downright mean, but it's not as if she didn't deserve it.

But the look of surprise and hurt on her face is like a punch in the face. He didn't mean to hurt her. Or had he?

"Well," she cleared her throat and looked away. "It was nice working with you."

"You too," he agreed. He could see she was hurt by the look in her eyes. Now he felt bad and he knew this guilty feeling wasn't going away until he put a smile back on her face. He handed her the coffee in his hands. She smiled briefly, but it didn't reach her eyes. She sat it down on her desk before trying to focus back on her paperwork.

She wanted him to leave because looking at him right now was too heartbreaking and she wouldn't be able to control what was going on inside of her for too long. The tension between them was beginning to grow stronger and deeper with every silent moment that passed.

"You know Alexis's graduation is tonight. Afterwards she does her all-nighter and my mother is doing something down at the Hampton's. So I'm not gonna really have anything to do so I was wondering if you would join me for a double feature."

She was surprised he asked. He's been so weird lately. Sometimes he won't want anything to so with her and now he's asking her over to his place? What's up?

"Depends on what we're watching."

"The Killers and Hard- Boiled."

Okay she had to admit she liked those movies and hasn't seen them in a while. But the reason why he asked her is still bugging her. The reason he's been acting different is still bugging her. So maybe tonight they could talk. Because this was killing her. He wouldn't be at the precinct but that's not going to make her feelings for him go away, that's not going to make them stop being friends.

"Okay. Yeah."

"Great. Ten o'clock?"

"Yeah," she answered smiling. And this time the sparkle was in her eyes.

* * *

**A/N:I would like to continue this with another chapter but if no one reviews, I'll most likely delete it. Let me know what you think honestly. The song lyrics will make more sense with a second chapter. Please review and tell me what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

Oh no, what the hell did he do? What the hell did he do? He invited the _one_ person in his life that broke his heart to watch movies with him! Ah! It's hard enough being around her but now he has to be alone with her for at least three hours. ALONE!

He knows he's not going to be able to do this. He's going to get lost in her big green gorgeous eyes. He knows the smell of cherries will linger in the air, circulating around his nose, making him dizzy. He knows he's going to laugh when she laughs and watch her when she smiles.

That smile. That smile he fought everyday to see. That smile used to squeeze his heart and everyday it would be enough. But now he knows that everyday, it wasn't real. That smile was pity, regret, embarrassment, lies, fake, and judge mental. Wow. He wants to cry now. That smile was everything to him. And now to find out it wasn't real! That hurts. It's like she stabbed him, right in the heart.

But he can't help loving her smile. It's rarely ever shown and when it is, it only lasts for a few seconds. But those are the best seconds of his life.

Ugh! It hurts. It hurts him to be so unequivocally in love with her. After tonight he's done because he can't keep doing this to himself. He's _way_ to emotional. And he can't even control what he feels. So many things and they're all bouncing off each other.

"Just watch the movies Castle, not her."

* * *

She's on her way to his place. She made sure she left the precinct early tonight so see could make it home to shower and change into something more suitable for a movie night with Castle.

Lanie came over to help her with straightening her hair but little did either one of them know was that it would rain. While Beckett was walking to Castle's loft the rain made its way down, softly at first, but soon turned into a massive down pour. If felt like ice was hitting her head, seeping into her clothes.

She started running the rest of the way to his loft but she broke a heel and fell on the concrete, scraping her arm.

Then she just gave up and limped the rest of the way to his loft. She didn't notice how bad her arm was hurting until she was standing in front of his door, contemplating whether she should knock.

_What if he's acting different again? What if this is a set up? (What? Stop being paranoid) what if he changed his mind? What if he brought his own date? What if he's not happy to see me? What if he's not home? What if he is? Just knock on the door!_

She's waiting. It feels like forever. She's can't hear anything and can't sense movement coming from behind the door. But she didn't know that he's right on the opposite side of the door resting his head on it debating whether to open the door. She rested her head on the door too deciding whether she should knock again or leave. But before she could choose the door swung open causing her to fall into him slightly.

"Hey," she greeted looking up into his eyes. They were so sad and she didn't know why. She wished he would just tell her what was going on.

"Hey," he said back with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

It was when she walked in that he noticed how wet she was and that something was wrong. "Are you okay?"

_No Rick you're breaking my heart._

"Yeah. No. My arm it stings." She said letting him see the large bruise.

"Here I'll bandage it."

"No Castle I'm fine."

"Beckett let me help you," he demanded sternly. With the look in his eyes she understood what he was saying. The underlying message.

He walked her to the bathroom in his bedroom so he could put a bandage on her arm. She sat down on the toilet and he knelt down on the floor.

She wasn't really expecting him to care much about her injury. It was just a scrape right below her elbow. He went to clean the scrape with an alcohol pad and she winced at it. "Sorry" he said not sounding genuine. He blew on it slightly and she felt herself shiver from the warmth of his breath. If he noticed he didn't let on.

"I uh was running to try and get out of the rain. Then I broke my heel and fell."

Castle wanted so badly to comfort her but he couldn't because she would just push him away and he couldn't handle rejection. Not now. Not while being so close to her.

He didn't know why he did what he did next. He figured it was the right thing to do. (Yeah for your girlfriend) He didn't know why and he couldn't stop himself either. It felt good to take care of her. So he began to unstrap her boots.

Se immediately reached down and placed her hand overtop of his. "Castle,"she barely whispered. Their eyes met and their bodies tingled from the physical contact.

Having him so close while their hands were touching was making it hard to focus. Her breath was caught while his was increasing. The heat was rising and becoming unbearable.

_Get a grip Castle. This isn't happening, she doesn't feel this so just look away._

He looked away. And left her to herself.

He had to get away from her or he would do something stupid. When he broke their eye contact she finally realized how much she hurt him whenever she looked away.

"What the hell?" She said to herself. He never does that. What is going on? Why is he acting like this?

"Castle," she called when she found him setting up the movie in his office.

"I'm gonna go get started making the popcorn."

"Castle?" He didn't respond, just kept walking.

During the time Castle was in the kitchen Beckett took the time to look around. She was only ever in his office once before but it's been a few years. From what she can remember not much has changed. She sat down at his desk and twirled in his chair awhile. His laptop was open but on a black screen. She swiped the mouse pad and the screen lit up. She read two words and her jaw dropped.

Nikki Heat.

_He lied?!_

"What the hell are you doing?" He yelled when he walked back into his office.

"What am I doing? Why did you lie?!"


	3. Chapter 3

For Castle "_you may not love today, tomorrow or ever but I will love you until it kills me and even then you'll be in my heart."_

* * *

The way Castle was looking at her was world shattering. Yes, she knows she crossed the line but he shouldn't have lied. Why would he lie about writing Nikki Heat? Does he really have to leave the precinct?

"You have no right to be on my computer!"

"Why did you lie about writing Nikki?"

His face lost color and his mouth opened slightly. "You have no right to be doing this."

"Castle!" She yelled to get his attention. His full attention. "What is going on? Why did you lie why have you been different?"

"I'm mad you were snooping in my stuff," he yelled pointing to his laptop. "And I haven't been different."

She ran her finger through her messy curly hair and shook her head. She looked at him angrily. She huffed out a breath an walked past him. The smell of cherries filling his lungs. He couldn't help but follow her.

She opened the door to leave (totally forgetting her shoes) but Castle spoke up before she walked out. "Typical Kate Beckett. Running away from the things she can't handle."

She slowly turned to him, looking him dead in the eyes. "I'm not running."

"Then what are you doing?"

"Leaving a place I'm clearly not wanted. And you won't even talk to me. What am I supposed to do!"

"Fine."

She shut the door and walked closer to him, not wanting to let him win this. Since she didn't have shoes on she was much shorter than him, but not less intimidating. "What's wrong Castle?" She asked sternly.

He put his head down and looked away from her. "My hearts broken. Because when I asked you if you remembered anything from your shooting you said no and you lied." He looked her right in the eyes. "You remember everything."

_Oh_. Oh shit.

She went speechless. She didn't know what to say or even how to say it. "Castle I-"

"Save it because I know. I know you clearly don't feel the same for me. I know that I am really just a tag along. I'm sorry for embarrassing you, I don't even know what made me think you'd even have feelings for me. Spare me the I'm sorrys or I didn't mean to hurt you cause I really don't need them."

It felt like the ground under her was crumbling and she was trying so hard not to let it show but her emotions were winning.

"I wasn't embarrassed Castle! I just wasn't ready to hear that yet."

"And you couldn't tell me that?!" He practically screamed at her. "Instead of putting me on a shelf and getting to me when you felt like it."

"Castle Castle that's not it all. I wasn't putting you on a shelf you were my highest priority."

"Really how? Cause it sure as hell doesn't feel like it!"

"I was shot Castle!" She shouted tearing up. She walked away to get some space between them and to calm down before speaking again. "I was lying on the ground with a bullet in my heart when you said that to me. And in that moment I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. Castle after I was shot I wasn't the girl you were in love with. I was-" she turned away. "I was someone in a very dark place."

"And?"

"And I wanted to find my way back to the girl you knew. Cause I wanted to be with you."

He stared at her a moment. Absorbing everything she just admitted to him. It's the most she's ever said about her emotions and it was surprising, but it didn't justify lying for practically a year.

"Why didn't you tell me? If I had known I would've helped you. We could've went through that together."

"I didn't want you to see me that way."

He wanted to hug her, wrap her up in his arms. But he couldn't because nothing she's saying is taking his pain away. If anything the look of insecurity on her face was hurting him more.

"Castle I'm so so sorry for lying to you. But you have to understand that I was trying to get better because I- I." She wanted to kick herself. She couldn't say it. Not yet and she knew he would read into it.

"You what Kate? You clearly don't feel for me what I feel for you. Because I have been here for four years! Four years just waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I'm right here! And if you still can't see what you're doing to me then just go."

"What am I doing Castle?! I just told you that I wanted to be with you what more do you want?!"

He took a deep breath, still looking at her angrily even though he wanted nothing more than to kiss her and pull her in his arms. She looked so fragile and it was killing him.

"I want you to love me! I want to be able to kiss you and hold you whenever I wanted. I want you and me together! I want you to understand how much you broke my heart. I want you to tell me exactly how you feel! Kate I-I love you and I just want you to know exactly how much everything little thing you do affects me. I want you to tell me everything you love about me. I want you to get butterflies every time you see me because I feel that way. I want you to be able to come to me about anything and not have to worry about your insecurities because I love you for who you are and to me you're absolutely perfect."

She couldn't believe how bad and fast the tears were staining her face. She wished she could tell him. She wished she could explain to him how much she loved him to. But she's not ready yet. She's not quite there. But maybe, if he let her, she could show him.

"Castle," she said coming user to him. She gently placed her hand on his cheek to make him look at her. His eyes were dark with pain and having her so near wasn't helping. "Look at me." He did and she could see all the love this man has for her.

As she leaned in to press her lips to his, he held her back. "No. You don't get to do that. Not when it's not going to mean anything."

It'll mean everything, she thought.

"What is it that you aren't saying?" He asked.

* * *

For Kate "_have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up."_

* * *

She wanted to tell him exactly how she felt. Se wanted to tell him that allowing herself to love him completely was scary. She doesn't want to have to face the pain of losing someone again. She couldn't live through that again. Not again.

"I'm not saying a lot of things Castle.

All the things I'm not saying are the things I'm not ready to say."

"You think it's easy for me to open my heart to someone? When in every relationship I was in she ended up doing something to hurt me. But here I am pouring my heart out to you and you keep holding back!"

She didn't know what to say. She just wanted things to go back to normal between them. Seeing the way he was looking at her was like a knife to the stomach. She didn't mean to be casing him this much heartache. But does he really not know the pain she feels?

"You have nothing else to say?" He asked after she stayed silent. When she didn't respond he looked he straight in the eyes. She was beautiful. Her hair was in bushy curls surrounding her face and her eyes were cast on him. He loves her.'he loves her too much so that's why he has to let her go.

"Just go Kate. Just go..."

"Castle."

"Call me when you're really ready to open up. Until then, just go. I won't let you keep breaking my heart."

She didn't know what she could say to that. So she did the only left she could do. She left, without a goodbye, without looking back.

* * *

_"For if you deny the one you love the love they wish to seek for thou will be denied by every man and never be happy."_

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

Castle didn't know what to do. He couldn't think straight he couldn't focus he couldn't even breathe. He just lost the love of his life. Of his life. He will never find someone like her or someone to make him feel the way he did with her. God, she was his whole world. He woke up thinking about her and went to bed thinking about her. And just the thought of her made his heart ache.

How could he be so stupid? So stupid? Why would she even love him? After all he's only made it clear he just wanted to get in her pants from the start. So why would she foolishly think he would change and that he really fell for her? She wouldn't! She didn't!

Castle grabbed a bottle of scotch out his liquor cabinet and filled up a glass. _Maybe alcohol could make him forget…_

* * *

When Kate got home after leaving Castle's place, she immediately fell to the floor and cried her eyes out. This is the reason why she had walls! This is the reason why she didn't let anyone in! This reason exactly! She never wanted to feel the pain of losing someone again and the first time she let someone in she gets hurt. And it's all her fault. All because she can't tell him, everything she feels.

She wanted to kick herself. She wanted to punish herself for being the cause of her own pain for causing someone else so much pain for so long.

She went to her bedroom and cried into her pillow. She hated this. Kate Beckett doesn't cry like this, not over a guy. But it's all she can even think of doing right now. She just had her heart ripped out her chest and crumbled right before her eyes. And it hurts. She can feel the hole in her chest, not only from having her heart broken but because she's alone.

For the first time since she's known him, Castle was gone. He's really done. And she doesn't know how to bring herself to cope with that. He's been her source of comfort and strength whenever she needed it but now that she needs him most he's not there. What is she going to do? This is the only man she's ever loved. When her mom died, she found restitution in Castle's books and at her job. But now those things will only make it worse. She can't solve murders without him! She without Castle is like a body without blood, the sun with no sky, a book with no pages, a pen with no paper, like life with no one to love. It just doesn't work. How will she function?

How will she _live?_

* * *

She cried herself to sleep that night. Sadly, it's the best night's sleep she's had in a long time. That was until her phone started ringing at three am. She didn't bother to see who was calling she just answered with a whisper.

"Why did you leave?" a man asked her.

"Huh?"

_"WHY did you leave?"_

She sat straight up when she recognized that voice. It was Castle. She wanted to yell at him to fight him. Instead, she just listened because she didn't know if this would be the last time, she spoke to him or not.

"You told me to," she whispered.

"I didn't really want you to go! I just wanted you to tell me how you felt," he began sobbing. "I didn't really want you to go."

He was breaking her heart even more and she didn't think that was possible. Just hearing his pain was making her cry. She could only imagine how hurt she'd be if she was with him right now. But she wasn't going over there. Not if he's been drinking which she's sure, he has.

"I'm sorry Castle," she said right before he hung up.

* * *

She didn't go into work the next day, she couldn't face it just yet. She's still raw and helpless. Lanie dropped by in the past few days to offer some support, even mentioned a girls night but Kate turned her down each time. She wasn't ready to face the world yet either. Right now, all she wants to do is grieve in her bubble. She doesn't want to go anywhere nor is she ready.

Castle hasn't been doing so well these past few days either. With Alexis gone, he's been bringing home loads of woman and alcohol to try to feel some relief from the pain. It works but only lasts for the time being. And every night when Castle gets drunk he calls her. And he yells at her about how much pain she caused him and she doesn't do anything but listen because what else can she do? She can't hang up because that's rude. And she can't not answer. Just imagine how hurt he'll be over that, even if he doesn't remember the next morning. What is she supposed to do?

* * *

**_Six months Later_**

They haven't spoken to each other since that night. They haven't even seen each other. When Kate was finally ready to go back to work, she got rid of Castle's chair and the coffee machine. They were harsh reminders about what could've been.

She's been solving cases with the boys like she use to before Castle began shadowing her. People have been asking about him a lot less it seems like he's dying off. Sometimes he still calls the boys lets them know how he's doing. Sometimes she wants to ask them what he's been up to but she never does. Not without having to explain why she wants to know. As far as the boys know, he stopped coming because he finished writing Nikki. She didn't have the heart to tell them that she broke his heart.

He still calls though. Every night but it's not him. He's always drunk and she knows that he will be drunk every time she answers. That's why tonight when he called, she didn't answer…

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

I need to fix myself. I'm not this man anymore and I haven't been for a long time. Yes, I stopped being that man for...her, initially, but now I'm going to be a good guy for myself. I need to get better. Kate Beckett is one woman, not the world and I can move on from her. I don't need to drink myself to sleep every night. I don't need to 'sleep' with these women to feel anything other than my broken heart. I can forget her, I can move on from her.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

She's sitting at her desk staring at the clock, waiting for it to tell her she could go. Normally whenever she had a case, she stayed late but ever since that night, she couldn't bring herself to do it anymore. Her cases were still important, every single one, and of course she still wants justice, that's a passion that will never cease, but she just doesn't have the energy to stay anymore. Ryan and Esposito noticed this change in her but never spoke directly about it to her. Even though she didn't tell them exactly what happened with Castle, they knew. They've only seen her get so low when she was working her mothers murder case, but since she shut that down eight months ago, she hasn't opened it again. Therefore, the only logical explanation would be a big falling out with Castle.

When she shut the door to her apartment she kicked off her heels, let her hair down and went to take a long bubble bath. This is routine for her now, everyday. She's always been a reader but now she reads alot more than usual. She has to force herself not to read his books though because she'll just drag herself through all the memories she's trying to forget. But since she's tried to clear him out of her life, he's only been haunting her mind even more.

Sh remembers when they first met, when she came to his book signing. She had been so excited to meet him and when she finally did, she couldn't stop smiling all day. She had just met Richard Castle! And then she remembered when they officially met at the New York public library at the book launch party of Storm Fall. She didn't want him to know how big a fan she was so she tried very hard to contain herself. When in reality she was extremely excited, that was until she found out how big of an ass he was. She chuckled at the memory.

That happens alot too. She'll think about him and smile because if all the good times they spent together. The crazy theories he made up, the theories they built together, the stake outs, the undercover assignments. They were all good times that she would give anything to have again. Because once all the good memories are relived so are the bad ones.

Like when Castle looked into her mothers murder against her permission. When the psychopath put a bomb in her living room and she heard Castle's desperate voice shouting her name through the fire to make sure she was still alive. When Castle left for the hamptons with Gina right when she was about to tell him how she felt and the fact that he was back in New York and never called. When she thought Jerry Tyson killed him...that was one of the worst feelings she ever had. She thought she lost someone else, someone important. That's a memory she never wants to visit again. Then there was when he started acting different towards her. Those weeks were the worst of all because she didn't know what was wrong so she couldn't do anything to fix it. But little did she know that what actually was wrong would be their downfall. And now here she is, sitting in her bathtub, drowning in her sorrows.

_What the hell did he do to me?_

Kate Beckett doesn't normally do this. She doesn't sit at home and grieve over her boyfriend- or whatever Castle was. She normally puts herself to work to distract herself but Castle is everywhere. All throughout her mind and even though she got rid of everything that could remind her of him at the precinct the absence of that stuff still reminds her. She normally doesn't get sappy at romance movies or listen to heart breaking loves songs. She doesn't do these things and its driving her crazy! Sometimes he's on her mind so much that she can't even think straight. And it sucks because it makes getting over him that much harder.

A knock on her door brought her out of her thoughts. She was slightly relieved because a few more minutes and she probably would've been in tears. She got out and drained the tub then threw on her bathrobe before answering the door.

"We need to talk," Lanie said inviting herself in.

"What is it this time Lanie?"

"I'm worried about you. You've never been like this before. Or rather bad before."

"Are we doing this again? Lanie I'm tired and I just want to sleep so can we finish this another time? Please?"

"You're always tired Kate! Why won't you let me help you? Brooding like this everyday isn't healthy. I get it! You love him. But if its over you need to let go. It's been eight months."

"It's not over," Kate spoke under her breath.

"What? Excuse me?"

Kate let out a sigh and rubbed her forehead before speaking. "It's not over yet Lanie. It's coming I know it is so you don't have to tell me. But it's not over yet."

"What do you mean?"

"He still calls. Everynight he still calls me. He still loves me."

"Well what do you say to him? Does he ever ask to see you?"

"I don't answer the calls any more because he's always drunk. He leaves a voicemail some nights and I listen to them afterwards. But I don't answer."

"Kate, listening to the voicemails is the same as answering the phone then. You can't keep this up. It's time to let go."

She didn't want to talk about this right now. Yes, it's been eight months but the subjects still raw and it hurts when people try to poke at it. Lanie more so than anyone but Kate couldn't really be upset with her because she was just looking out for her.

"When he stops calling then I'll let go. But he's still hanging on and therefore so will I."

Lanie shook her head at her. She's never seen her in so much pain before even when she had to walk away from her mothers case the very first time. She can tell how in love with Castle she is and how determined she is not to let him go. It's admirable but it's also pathetic because of how long she's been holding on.

"How do you know he hasn't already let go? He calls because he's drunk but if he still cared enough why doesn't he call when he's sober? How come you two haven't seen each other since that night?"

Kate couldn't help the tears that began to fall silently down her cheeks. Lanie was right. And she knew it she just refused to admit it to herself. Castle let her go...

And now it's time for her to let him go...

* * *

_**A Year Later...**_

"Alright I'll see you soon," Castle said before hanging up.

"Who was that dad?"

"THAT was Michaela. I asked her to come over tonight for dinner since you and your grandmother are in town. I want you guys to meet her."

"Well from what you told me she seems like a nice girl. Minus that one thing."

Castle gave Alexis a warning glare to stop talking about Michaela. There are some things people can't control and in michaelas case, it's a terrible condition. She's been diagnosed with hippopotomonstrosesquipedali ophobia. Which is a phobia of long words. When she first told castle he tried not to laugh but the temptation was too much. He laughed right in her face but after the laughter had subsided, he had to get her to forgive him. It wasn't easy but it worked.

"Alexis I know she has a weird phobia but take that away and she's a nice girl. Please give her a chance I don't wanna screw this up."

"Okay dad."

"This is the first girl I've dated since..." He trailed off. He didn't know why that line of thought came to him so suddenly but once it did it continued.

Kate Beckett. The woman who not only broke his heart but broke him. He was so hurt. All he wanted was to know how she felt and she couldn't give it to him straight.

_I wonder how she's doing. What has she been up to? Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Does her heart hurt as much as mine? Does she think about me as much as I think about her? Does she regret anything from that day? Did she ever feel anything for me? Why did she keep shutting me out? I could tell she was fighting herself but her brain won, as always. _

The sudden reminder of their word made one small tear streamed down his cheek.

"I know." Alexis came around from the kitchen counter and gave her father a hug. She knows how much pain he was in a year ago and she never wanted him to feel that way again. "I know."

"Helloooo," Martha announced walking into the loft. "Where's the girl Richard?"

"Hello mother nice to see you too," Castle said giving his mother a kiss on the cheek. "And she'll be here in few minutes."

"Good. How've you been doing kiddo? Especially with the trying to suppress using long words. Can't be easy."

"It's not easy actually. Every time we talk big words pop into my head."

"Dad maybe it's not a good idea to date her. I mean you're a writer you're bound to use big words. And you can't have her screaming hysterically all the time."

"You are right but I can't do that to her. She didn't do anything wrong. Plus I actually like her. She's a cool person. And her job is fascinating."

"Can't argue there kiddo. Not everyday you hear someone say there a lotion sniffer. That job must come with perks."

"Yeah," Alexis laughed.

"Not funny," Castle said when he heard someone knock on the door. "She's here!"

* * *

Kate was in her bedroom getting dressed for a night with Lanie. They hadn't been out together in a few weeks because of the case they were working. A serial killer worked his way into New York leaving over a dozen male bodies scattered across the city. With the help of the FBI, they were finally able to catch the guy trying to cross the border into Mexico. Now that he's been arrested, they need to celebrate. With alcohol.

When Lanie and Kate arrived at their favorite bar, Kate turned to Lanie with a serious expression.

"What?" She asked worried.

"I have something to tell you."

"Okay. Lets not beat around the bush. Tell me."

"After we closed the case last week the special agent we were working with passed my name off to his boss and he offered me a job."

Lanie's face broke into a huge smile followed by a big hug. "Congratulations sweetie. Oh I'm so happy for you!"

"Thankyou."

"Why do you look so upset? This is good right?"

"Yeah it is. But it means I'll have to move." When she saw Lanie's 'so?' Expression she continued. "To Chicago."

Now she gets it.

"So you haven't decided whether or not you're going to go?"

"No," she answered taking a sip of her drink.

"What's stopping you exactly?"

"I've lived here all my life Lanie. I can't imagine living anywhere else. And I don't wanna abandon the boys. I'll never find partners better than them. And my dad. I couldn't imagine leaving him."

"Talk to them about it. But now I want you to really tell me what's going on? Because I see right through you Kate Beckett."

Kate sighed and looked down at her glass. She was hoping Lanie wouldn't catch on to her because lord knows she doesn't want to have this conversation again. "It's Castle."

"What about Castle?" She tried to ask without sounding annoyed.

"He lives here too. So if I move-"

"You'll never see him again."

"Exactly."

They both were quiet a moment, letting the words sink in. She's still hurting. Lanie's disappointed. She was doing much better. She was even talking about Castle less but this whole time she's just been keeping it in. Lying.

"It doesn't hurt as much anymore. Some days I wake up and I feel nothing at all. I haven't thought about him at all in the last few weeks but it wasn't until this case and I was offered this job that he came back into my head. I'm sorry. I know I've been doing better but I won't let this stop me from moving on."

"Good," Lanie said fiddling with her straw. "You haven't spoken to him?"

"No and I don't think I want to. I see no purpose in it anymore. I used to think about what i would say to him if I ever saw him again. But now I just feel, indifferent. You know?"

"Yeah. So if you feel indifferent, why not take the job? It might be good to get out of the city."

Kate contemplated this for a moment. Lanie, of course, was right. She would take the job in Chicago but breaking the news to everyone would be the hard part. Accepting it herself, would be the harder part.

"I'll do it. Or try it out a year first. Then we'll go from there."

"Congratulations sweetie. You're finally over it." She raised her glass towards Kate. "You're finally moving on."

"Finally."

* * *

_**Four Months Later...**_

They were all gathered around the table at the restaurant. It's been a while since all of them have been out together but this is a special occasion and it wouldn't be the same with anyone missing.

Kate stood up to make the first toast. "Happy Anniversary to Ryan and Jenny. May you guys have many more years to come. And congratulations to our newly weds Lanie and Esposito! I always knew you two would get tighter but you shocked the hell out of me when you both said 'I do.' And finally Happy Anniversary to us. Seventeen years ago today we all first started working together and since then we've been nothing but family. And I know I haven't been around much lately but you guys are just as important to me now as you were then. I love you guys!"

Everyone at the table began clapping and cheering for one another an for Kate's speech. Once everything calmed down Ryan asked Kate a question.

"So Beckett how long are you in town?"

"For another week and then I gotta head back to headquarters."

"Oh. I was hoping you'd be here on the 2oth."

"Why? Wait, Jackson's birthday."

"Yeah he really looks up to you Kate," Jenny interjected. "He says he wants to be just like you."

"I'm flattered. I really am. How about I take him out tomorrow? I'm free." Lanie cleared her throat loudly. "I'm free day after next. I forgot Lanie needs me to go somewhere with her."

"Yeah I'm sure he'll love that. What are you guys going to do?"

"Probably grab some lunch. Then maybe I'll take him to the movies."

"Sounds great."

They were all talking, catching up on old times when someone approached their table.

"Am I interrupting?" He asked. When Kate looked up, she met another pair of green eyes. The man was tall, not too muscular, and he had dark black hair. She recognized him instantly.

"Greg! I'm so happy you made it!" She got up to greet her boyfriend, quickly pecking him on the lips. "You guys remember Greg right?"

"Yeah yeah have a seat. Nice of you to join us," Esposito said tugging Lanie closer to him. "So you're in town too huh?"

"Yeah. Kate told me how important this trip was to her and I thought why not come with her. She talks about you guys all the time and I wanted to put names with faces."

"Well you came on a good night my friend. Tonight we are celebrating."

They had it of fun that night. Greg was getting along with everyone fairly well. It wasn't u too Kate overheard Ryan ask Esposito a question that concerned her boyfriend.

"No he doesn't look anything like Demming. RYAN."

"Who's Demming?" Greg asked confused.

"No one just someone I dated for a while, while in was still at the 12th," she told him.

"Oh come on Beckett. Tell him the truth," Esposito said. "He was your soul mate."

"I think you've had too much too much to drink Javi. Alright you guys I'm going to take him home. Kate I'll see you tomorrow. Greg it was nice to finally meet you." Lanie tugged on Esposito's arm to have him to get up and after say g his farewells, they both left.

"You had a soul mate and didn't tell me," Greg faked being hurt by Putting his hand over his heart. "I'm hurt Kate I'm hurt."

"You're hurt over that wait until she tells about Castle," Jenny laughed.

The rest of the table immediately went quiet. Kate put her head down and covered her face with her hands. Ryan sighed and shook his head. Jenny has a bad habit of saying things she shouldn't when she's bad too much alcohol in her system.

"I think we should head out too. Jackson probably misses us. Goodnight guys."

"What happened at Castle?" Greg asked when they were alone.

"Uh," she sighed. She's not ready to talk about it yet. "Castle is a who."

"Well who is he?"

"No one you should worry about okay? It was a long time ago and I heavent thought about since." She paused for a minute then continued in a enigmatical voice. "So lets head to our hotel so I can finally show you how happy I am to see you."

The two of them paid the bill and left a generous tip. Greg had his arm around Kate as the were walking to the door giggling and smiling at their happiness. They've been together a month and a few weeks and Kate feels like now is the time to take their relationship to the next level.

When they opened the door to leave the restaurant Kate bumped into someone and when she looked up into those eyes she knew who he was instantly. And in that moment she felt everything she tried to forget these last two years come rushing back.

**hey guys! I wanted to update this sooner but my internet is off...:( so just for you guys I sat in front of my computer and copied everything into my phone. It took FOREVER. But I had to do it for you guys because the support on this story is amazing. I'm touched. Since I was writing this so late at night let me know if I made any mistakes. If you're familiar with my work you'd know I make those alot.**

**thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Three Days Earlier..._**

"Hey Castle," Ryan greeted when Castle answered the phone.

"Hey Ryan. How's it going?"

"Great actually. You know what's coming up?"

"Yes your anniversary. Congratulations Kevin. I'm jealous of you and Jenny."

"Aw thanks man. Listen we're all going to serendipity on Friday to celebrate. I want you to come. Actually we all want you to come. Won't be the same without you."

"Thanks. I'll think about it because I'm going through something at the moment. If I don't show I was murdered."

Both men laughed. "Yeah. Tell Michaela she's on thin ice. I'll only deal with but so much from her."

"Who you telling?"

"Yeah so it's also Lanie and Esposito's anniversary too if you remember."

"Oh crap! I totally forgot. I'll have to tell them next time I see them."

"Also Friday we'd all have been working together for 17 years. I want you to be there man."

"Thanks for inviting me. I'll let you know. And I wanna rematch," he added referring to their pool game a few nights ago.

After they hung up Castle sat down on his couch and sighed. He wants to go because he wants to support his friends but he's been having problems with Michaela. He came home one day and caught her in his bed with some guy. She begged for forgiveness and Castle, mistakenly, forgave her. He really just wanted it to work out but he felt his pride go a little lower when he caught her in a restaurant kissing the same man.

He doesn't know why he's still with her. He doesn't know why he's put himself so low or why he settles for the first woman to show an interest. It's been too years. He should be healed right?

Well he's not and sadly he's not over her. He has to break up with Michaela and try to mend himself. He hasn't been since that night and to make things worse his family noticed this change and are showing him a large amount of pity. That's the last thing he wanted so he had to put a stop to it. But he could still see the looks they would give him every time he had a drink. He only has one or two but he understands why they would be so worried.

Ryan said they're all going to serendipity for they're anniversary. Did that mean she was going to be there? Ryan should know he's not ready to face her yet. But every time him and the boys are together he does make it a point to show he's over her. But he's not and he's not ready to face her.

* * *

_**Present...**_

She can't believe it but she has to because its right in front of her. He's right in front of her and she can't bring herself to speak or even look away from his eyes. She didn't realize how much she missed those eyes staring at her. Oh God.

He laid eyes on her and now he realizes that he's still in love. She's beautiful. Nothing much has changed but her hair has gotten a tad bit longer. And God, her eyes. Those piercing green eyes are seeing straight through him, leaving him feeling exposed. He can't. He just can't look at her. He puts his head down.

"Uh sorry about that man. We'll make sure we look next time." Greg spoke after an uncomfortable silence.

Kate couldn't speak, she couldn't even move. All she could do was stare. Those blue eyes of his his had a hold on her she couldn't break. But staring at him wasn't helping all the emotions she was feeling. There were so many she couldn't focus on just one it felt like she was losing her mind. Everything she felt two years ago is back and everything she felt during these two years is back. And so she stands there, inert, unable to break her eyes away from his.

He looked away though, unable to hold her gaze. It was too hard too heavy on him. He's still to raw so he looked away and put his trembling hands in his pockets.

"Don't worry about it. I'm use to it from her," Castle spoke before directing his attention inside the restaurant. "Is it over?"

"What?" She asked so lowly it was almost imperceptible.

"The celebration? Is it over Ryan invited me."

"Yeah it is. Who- who are you?" Asked Greg.

He stretched his hand toward Greg and introduced himself. "Rick Castle."

"Nice to meet you Rick. I'm Greg Kate's boyfriend." Castle tried not to flinch when he said 'boyfriend.' "Sorry you couldn't make it."

"No problem."

"Come on Kate,"Greg said trying to get her body to move. He finally got her too move when Castle walked inside serendipity.

Kate couldn't control what she did next. It was like her mind and her heart were working together to protect herself. So she ran she ran down the block and across the street to an alley way and let it all out. She was dizzy and she couldn't think she couldn't even breathe. So she let it all out.

And it came. Harshly, ferociously, vengefully. From the deep corridors of the pit of her stomach up through her throat and out her mouth. It's incredibly hard to throw up while your sobbing so the bile burned her throat more than it should've. Her sobbing also made it difficult to breathe in so she's getting extremely light headed.

Seeing him so suddenly after two years caused her to freeze and her brain shut down for the moment. And since she was feeling nothing but everything at the same time it all just came up.

When Greg finally caught up with her and found her in the alley he nearly puked himself. He had to I ignore it though because his girl was throwing up and crying her eyes out at the same time. He has to help her, he needs to be here for her.

Kate was no longer able to keep herself up and so she fell to her knees and rested her arm against the building.

"Hey," he whispered wrapping his arms around her waist. "What happened Kate?"

She didn't answer because she passed out from a lack of air. He knew she needed CPR but he really didn't want to because she was just throwing up. But he would do it because this is his girl and he wants to make sure she's okay.

He pressed his lips to hers and blew air into her chest. He repeated this until she woke up frantically sucking in air.

"Hey, hey babe. What happened? Are you alright?" He asked agreeing spitting out some spit.

Kate just shook her head because she wasn't yet able to speak.

"Hey breathe. Slowly. In out in out in out."

"Thank you."

"I'm gonna take you to the hospital," he said reaching for his phone.

"No. I'm fine I was just caught by surprise."

"Yeah so that guy, Rick. Was that the man you told me you haven't thought about and I shouldn't worry over? Because it looks to me like you both knew each other and I should worry because you're back here puking your guys out."

"Greg please just let it go. It was a long time ago," she said annoyed. "I'm really tired okay."

"Yeah of course. I'll hail us a cab."

The cab ride to their hotel was quiet and awkward so Kate put her music in. She selected a familiar playlist and fell asleep before they arrived. Greg carried her to their room and placed her down on the bed.

He took her phone and the earphones out her ears. Out of curiosity he scrolled through the music she was listening to. It was a small playlist she had named R. C. Greg couldn't help but make the connection to Rick Castle.

_Kate's playlist..._

_Adele: I can't make you love me_

_Sara barellies: gravity_

_Adele: chasing pavements _

_Taylor swift: Sad beautiful tragic_

_The civil wars: poison and wine_

_Sara Jackson-holeman: into the blue_

_Coldplay: The scientist_

_Mumford and sons: holland road_

_Frankie j: Obsession_

_Adele: Take it all_

_Adele: one and only_

_Missy Higgins: Where I stood_

_Birdy: 1901_

_Anna Nalick: Breathe (2am)_

He realizes that there's more to Rick Castle than Kate's letting on but he won't pry. He knows that she'll tell him when she's ready. So he put down her phone and crawled on the other side of the bed and went to sleep.

* * *

Castle walked into the restaurant and quickly spotted Michaela sitting at a table eating a frozen hot chocolate. He approached her table and sat down.

She tried to kiss him hello but he wasn't having any of it. She cheated on him again and he can't have this. He deserves better or at least he thinks he does. He knows he wants a faithful woman and Michaela is far from it.

"Alright I'm gonna cut straight to it. I was hurt badly before we started dating. I really wanted it to work between us but you know what you did to mess it up. I'm tired of being cheated on."

"Rick I-"

"No. I'm in love with someone else. And I'd rather pine over her than be with you. I'm sorry but we're done. Goodbye."

Castle left her there sitting at the table, speechless. It felt good to be free of those chains. But now a worse pain has overtaken him. He's laid eyes on her again and God, she was beautiful. She was so mesmerizing that he had to look away or he would've done or said something he shouldn't have. He's still angry though. Regardless of how she looked and of how quickly his heart was beating and how both his mind and his heart was begging him to steal her away from that man. Every single fiber of his being said to grab her by the arm and run so they could fix their relationship. But he didn't listen because they could never fix this mess. Their relationship is ruined...forever.

But a part of him will never stop hoping...

**I wanted to get another chapter up because this is now my most popular story! I had no idea it'd be this much of a success. You guys make me smile and makes me want to be a better writer. Thank you sooo much!**

**In other words... Have any other songs you might wanna see on Kate's playlist? This is usually my breakup list so please don't judge too harshly. **


	7. Chapter 7

Castle walked home after breaking up with Michaela. Strangely (not really) Michaela was farthest from his mind. He couldn't stop thinking about Kate and how beautiful she looked. Which sadly broke his heart because he was hoping she felt as bad as he did. He wanted her to have quit her job and got fat and maybe become a cat lady. Admittedly, that picture was not pretty and a little pathetic but he can't help but want her to feel as much pain as him. But she was beautiful tonight, definitely a sight for his soar eyes (heart).

She still dressed how he remembered. She wore a green dress shirt that hung loosely around her waist and her favorite leather jacket. Tight denim skinny jeans with knee high black leather boots. And even though it was a simple outfit she still look magnificent. He couldn't help but smile because she had him hooked with that simple hair flip when she bumped into him.

His smile quickly faded when he remembered what happened. When the pain abruptly came rushing back to his heart. But he still loved her and he knows that he's pathetic because she doesn't feel the same and it's been two years but he loves her nonetheless. He knows why he's still been holding on after all this time but maybe now he can let go.

When he arrives home Martha and Alexis immediately spot that something's wrong.

"How'd it go dad? Did they not want you there?" Alexis asked giving her father a hug.

"No it's not that. I think Ryan texted me the wrong time."

"Then what is it Richard? Was she there?" Martha cut in.

Castle shook his head walking over to the couch and sighed. He looked so empty, lost, defeated, broken. It was breaking the hearts of his family to see him this way. But they had no idea how it felt to actually feel what he portrayed. He was feeling lost, empty, defeated, and broken. But he doesn't want to feel it anymore.

"Did you speak to her?"

"Did she say anything to you?"

"No and no. But I did speak briefly to her boyfriend. Guys this is the first time I laid eyes on her for two years." He let that sink in before continuing. "You guys should've seen her she was absolutely breathtaking. And I'm still in love with her."

"What are you gonna do?" Alexis asked.

"I want to see her again. Sit down and talk maybe. I want closure. I'm tired of feeling like this guys. I want to move on."

Martha smiled sweetly at her son while she have him a hug. "Call her. I know she wants to see you."

"Hopefully."

* * *

What Kate woke up the next morning her throat was dry from a lack of water and when she tried to get out of bed her body was weak. She was able to make it to the bathroom and when she looked at herself in the mirror her eyes were puffy and red and she could see dry tear stains still sitting on her cheeks.

She could try to cover up the evidence of her episode with make up but she knew Lanie would see through her. Instead of focusing on that she tried to regain her strength with some water and some breakfast still trying not to wake up Greg.

Kate was hungry but she couldn't eat because of the unexpected guest that came back into her life last night. It's been two years since she seen him last, it was so overwhelming she didn't know how to handle it. Although she's tried to move on countless times she never really got over him and seeing him last night just reignited all the feelings she's tried to forget. She wants to see him again, she wants to know how he's been after all this time,if he's still angry with her, if they could Rekindle their friendship. she's not at the precinct anymore so they can't be partners but it doesn't mean they cant be friends.

Who is she kidding? They can't be friends they never were. Even if they weren't together it was always a little more than friendship. And she still has those feelings. She still loves him after all this time. she never stopped she couldn't even if she tried, but she could never tell him because it's too late it's two years too late, she should've stayed when he told her to leave but instead she took the cowards way out and she left. All this heart ache she has she bought on herself and on him and even though she wants to see him she couldn't because that'd be too painful.

When she heard Greg walk into the kitchen she prepared herself for the inevitable pestering questions. He doesn't know her well enough to know that she doesn't open up very easily so she won't let on that something is wrong even though all the evidence that something is wrong is right on her face. But Kate Beckett is stubborn and she'll deny it with everything she has.

"Hey babe," he greeted entering the kitchen. "Are you okay?"

There's question one she thought. "I'm fine just a little tired."

"Are you sure? You seemed pretty upset last night."

Kate rolled her eyes already annoyed with his pestering. "Yeah I was just caught off guard."

"Kate we don't have to talk about if you don't want to. But I know it has something to do with Castle want to tell me about him?"Greg obviously caught onto her being distant with this topic but he knew the only way to help her was to talk about it.

"No I don't want to talk about it! Please just leave it alone."

"I'm just trying to help you please tell me what happened with Castle."

"Nothing happened with Castle," she yelled. Technically she didn't lie, nothing happened with Castle. But that's just the thing that drove them away from each other.

"Do you want to talk about this later or not at all?" He's getting frustrated now not only because she won't talk but because he's curious about what actually did happen with Castle. And he knows he'll never find out this way.

"I don't want talk about it at all Greg." She asserted. "Look it's nothing you need to worry about I'm fine and we have a big day ahead of us so why don't we just get ready for that."

She's being distant and rude and she knows this, but she can't help it it's what she does, it's in her nature. The only person she know she can truly open with is Castle but she hasn't seen him in two years or talked to him in two years and so the walls that she had definitely grew taller and stronger. Her relationship with Greg is still too fresh to discuss a hard topic like Castle, an emotional topic like Castle. Maybe she'll tell him when she's ready or maybe not. Most likely not.

They spent the rest of the morning in silence until Kate had to leave to meet Lanie at the morgue.

"Hey Lanie," Kate greeted her as she walked in.

"Hey girl. Are you ready?"

Lanie wanted Kate to come with her to her mothers house because she found out she Was pregnant and wants to go baby shopping with her mom. But Lanie and her mother haven't spoken to each other since she left for school 15 years ago. So coming home now is a big step in their relationship. It's possible that Lanie's mother doesn't even want to see her.

"Is something wrong? You don't seem like yourself."

Kate sighed as she settled into the car putting on her seat belt. She didn't want to talk about Greg but she didn't know if she should tell her about bumping into Castle either. Lanie had been so proud of her when she thought she was moving on and she doesn't think she could handle the look of disappointment if she told her about this.

"Earth to Kate," Lanie shouted bring Kate out of her thoughts.

Here goes nothing. "I bumped into him last night." That's all it took for silence to fill the air. "It's the first time I've laid eyes on him in two years."

"How do you feel?" She finally spoke.

"Drained. I throw up after seeing him. Guess I'm still recovering."

"Oh goodness. That's something I've never seen before. Did you talk to him?"

"No I just, stood there. I couldn't bring myself to say or do anything."

"Kate I think this is your chance. Chances like these don't happen. It was not a coincidence that you both happened to be at the same place," Lanie explained, her voice growing with enthusiasm.

"You're right it wasn't. Ryan invited him to dinner. Do you think that they all still talk to one another?"

"Yeah they do. Hell I talked to Castle the other day."

Kate's expression dropped. She wasn't surprised that they were still talking, they were his friends too, she just didn't expect Lanie to have talked to him. Especially while Kate was going through what she was (is) for so long.

"Why didn't you tell me? How is he? Is he okay? Is he seeing anyone? How did he act the last you spoke to him? Does he ever talk about me?"

"Whoa. Slow down! One question at a time."

Kate took a deep breath and asked the only important question. It's the only thing she needs to know. "Is he happy?"

"No."

Kate sat back on the seat. A part of her felt terrible. Was he not happy because of the incident two years ago? But another part of her liked the fact that he is as miserable as she is.

"His girlfriend cheated on him." Lanie continued. "Said he was going to meet her at serendipity yesterday."

"Girlfriend?"

"Don't you have a problem because I recall a certain FBI agent being yours?"

"Ugh Lanie that. He knows nothing."

"Greg is a nice guy."

"Greg's not him. Yes he is a nice guy but not the guy for me."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"I don't know."

"Well let me know when you figure it out."

* * *

Kate and Lanie didn't get back until late last night. Lanie and her mother are on better terms now. But Kate doesn't want to deal with Greg when she gets in.

She put the key in the door and slowly turned the knob so she wouldn't wake him up in case he was sleeping. No such luck.

"Hey babe welcome back," he said gently.

"Hi."

"Did you have a good time? You didn't have any trouble?"

He's being sweet and concerned and a good boyfriend. And here she is being an ass to him. He did nothing wrong.

"Yeah. Lanie's mother is just like Lanie. That's probably why they didn't get along." He laughed quietly at her joke. "I'm fine Greg really."

Greg walked over and gave her a hug and kiss. "Come on let's get you to bed."

He's sweet and caring but he's not Castle.

* * *

Castle woke up early the next morning because he couldn't sleep. He has too many ideas flashing through his head he figures he knows why, but he knows he's never going to use them for actual published book. He doesn't write books like that. Tragic romance novels.

He was sitting on his desk in front of his laptop but his phone starts to ring. He looked at the caller ID and found Gina on the other the end, this time he didn't procrastinate he answered right away.

"Hello Gina," Castle greeted.

"Rick what are you doing? You manuscript was do a month and a half ago."

"I'm working now okay. Is just that I hadn't been inspired to write anything lately."

"Lately? It's been two years since you had a bestseller. you need to get your act together I wont be able to cover for you much longer."

"I know. But thank you for covering for me as long as you have been. I got hit with a whole bunch of ideas last night and I'm writing them down as fast as I can so please give me another week or so."

"Yeah yeah I'll see what I can do. But you need this next book to sell or else you're gone. I'm sorry."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Can I switch up my genre of writing? Murder is not coming to me at the moment."

"It has to to crime in it somewhere Rick. That's why you signed with us, to be a crime novelist. It has to have that air of mystery."

"Alright I was just wondering. Thanks Gina," Castle said before hanging up.

Seeing her so suddenly last night got his juices flowing again. And all he wants to write is their story. But he doesn't know the ending yet. Once he gets that then he can add some twists and other details to make it a crime novel.

His cell phone beeped next to him.

'Book signing at Broadway Books today at two.'

It's the last book signing for the last Nikki Heat novel. It would've came out earlier but castle had writers block for a few months. That was until he sat down and forced himself to write, unfortunately, a happy ending for Nikki and Rook. It took everything in him but he got it done.

"Hey dad," Alexis said coming in and standing next to her father. "You're writing!"

"Yeah. Ever since last night ideas haven't stopped flowing through my head." It took a second for Castle to realize. "What're you doing here?"

"Oh you know. Just checking in..."

"Doing your laundry for free," he said with a giggle.

"Something like that," she leaned into his computer further curious as to what exactly he's writing. "What are you writing dad?"

"This is just a basic outline. This is the main story. I'll go back and add some type of case information. But this story between the characters is my focus right now."

"Well knowing you it'll be good. You're not procrastinating."

"I have until the end of the week."

Alexis smiled and shook her head at him. "There's my real father."

"Ha-ha."

Castle wrote for a few more hours before checking the time. 1:45pm. Why can't he ever make it to a book signing on time?

* * *

Greg let Kate sleep in a little longer today since for the last two days she's been extra tired. But when eleven o'clock hit he had to wake her in case she had plans.

"Hmm. Time is it?" She asked.

"Ten after."

She opened on eye and glared at him. "After what?"

"Eleven."

"I wish you'd woke me up a few minutes earlier. Don't you remember I'm supposed to take Jackson out today."

"Who's Jackson?"

"Ryan and Jenny's son," she said getting out of bed as stretching.

"You're cute in the morning."

She had to suppress a smile. She planned on breaking up with him today after she spent the day with Jackson.

"I'll go make you some coffee."

"No no need. I'm just gonna get dressed head over there to pick him up."

Kate got to Ryan's place about and half hour later. She needed to get out of that hotel as quickly as she could. Greg was driving her nuts with his niceness.

Kate and Jackson went to go see an early movie first before they went to lunch. Jackson was only four years old when Ryan and Jenny adopted him. These past few years have been excellent for his development and he's beginning to be a smart young man. He's six now about to turn seven.

"That movie was awesome!" Jackson yelled coming out of the theatre.

"Yeah I know. Especially the part where Steve flipped the truck and it hit Big Brain in the nose!"

"Yeah! That was the best part."

Kate checked her watch. 1:23pm. "Hey berry are you hungry? I'm supposed to take you to lunch."

"Uh-huh. Can I have a burger?"

"Only if you get fries too."

"Deal," Jackson said laughing.

Kate and Jackson never stopped talking the whole time. He was a very interesting little boy and Kate was anxious to know more about him.

She knew of a restaurant within walking distance so she took a hold of Jackson's hand to guide him down the block. It wasn't until she came across him that she stopped walking. Or rather a picture of him plastered to a book store's window. It said he was going to be there for a book signing at two. She checked her watch again. 1:45pm. She had time to peruse.

"Come on Berry. I wanna buy a book."

"You're gonna buy Rick's book?"

"What?" She asked breaking her gaze from castle's picture.

"That's Rick. Are you gonna buy his book?"

"How do you know Rick?"

"He's mommy and daddy's friend. I like him he's funny."

"Yeah I like him too. He's my favorite author," she said walking inside.

The first book she saw was 'Extinguished Heat.' It's the last Nikki Heat novel. It hurt to read it and to know that she no longer inspired him. That when she walked out of his life she took his inspiration with her.

She picked up the book and bought it. He would be there soon and she didn't want it to look like she was stalking him. That would only make their situation alot worse.

She took a hold of Jackson's hand again and when she looked back up he was standing there across the street stating at her. She stared back but this time he didn't look away. She was hoping she didn't have to see him again because seeing him the first time didn't elicit a good response.

He looked down at the ground before making his way towards her. Her heart began racing and beating erratically in her chest. Her palms started sweating and trembling so she shoved them in her pockets.

He stopped and stood right in front of her.

"Hi Rick!" Jackson exclaimed. "We just saw Monster Invader! And it was awesome."

"Oh man. I wanted to see that movie too." Kate smiled inside. Knowing Castle, that was real disappointment in his face. "Can you tell me about it later?"

"Mhmm," he said shaking his head yes ferociously. "This is Kate. She works for the police," he paused looked up at Kate then added, "you're her favorite author."

"Really? Kate never told that."

She didn't say anything she just stared at him not knowing whether or not it's okay to smile.

Rick checked his watch. "I've got about an half hour break in two hours. Meet me back here?"

"Okay," she said horsely.

**I don't know about this chapter...it ran longer than anticipated. **


	8. Chapter 8

**This is short but I thought it would be better if the chapter was just them. **

**And thank you to theputz913 for inspiring this scene! I hope I did it justice :)**

* * *

Kate stood there speechless after Castle had gone inside the book store. She couldn't wrap her brain around the fact that Castle just approached her and asked her out. She doubted on a date but it's something right?

Was okay to smile about this? She thought. Is it okay to have butterflies? Is it okay to want this talk to be about them being back in each others lives? Is it okay that she has the urge to shout how sorry she is? Is it okay that she also has the urge to kiss him senseless? To lay him down and have her way with him?

"Helllloooooo!" Jackson shouted.

"Oh I'm sorry Berry. What did you say?"

"I sssaid are we going to eat now?"

"Yes. I promised you a burger."

Kate tried to keep Castle off of her mind for the rest of the time she was with Jackson. But after he finished his lunch she drove him home.

She went back to the book store and checked her watch when she got there.

His break is in ten minutes.

She stood outside anxiously waiting for him to come out when he could.

While Castle was signing books he didn't want to think about Kate because he knew he would just end up being sad. And that's the last thing he wants his fans to see. But as the time for him to go meet her was approaching he found himself growing anxious.

He was smiling brighter and he was...giddy? Was he smitten by this woman when he'd barely been around her for five minutes? Why is he welcoming this feeling? Whoa...now he's imagining the things he wants to happen at their meeting.

Was it a meeting? Or more like a date?

No it's neither! He told himself. He's going for closure. Nothing more. He's finally going to be able to move on and leave his heartbreak behind. That's his main goal.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen," Gina announced. "Rick Castle is going to take a quick break for now. He will be returning shortly."

After the crowd murmured their whiny "aww" s Gina turned and spoke directly to Castle.

"You've got a half hour. I mean it no more no less. So don't wander off to far."

"I'll set my phone."

"Good boy."

He was setting his phone when he walked out of the building. He looked up and saw her standing there playing with her hair and biting her bottom lip. Something her only saw her do when she was nervous. He wondered if they were both thinking the same things. They did use to be in sync with each other.

She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed tensely. He could tell she felt the way he did because he was nervous too.

As he approached her leaning up against the building she turned and faced him.

_Face to face. _

_Eye to eye. _

Neither really knew what to say so they stared quietly for a minute.

"Hey," Castle greeted his voice shaky.

"Hi." Her voice barely a whisper.

"You wanna walk?"

"Sure."

They walked down the street in silence, each not knowing how to voice their thoughts.

After a few minutes she ended up walking behind him slightly. This gave her a chance to admire his new form. He'd lost some weight and maybe it's her imagination because of the clothes, but he looks like his biceps have gotten bigger.

She placed her hand against her forehead and bit her lip again. She wasn't supposed to be thinking things like this. But she just couldn't help herself...

"I think we should talk," Castle said breaking the timid air between them. When she nodded in approval he pointed to a coffee shop across the street.

They went inside and sat in the back booth.

"Uhh...how've you been?"

"Fine," she said lying. She's been dealing with the guilt for the past two years. "What about you?" She just wants him to talk so she has an excuse to stare at him.

"Honestly I'm a wreck." He paused, letting her know that he's being serious and not fooling around. "I asked you to meet me cause I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

Before Castle had a chance to respond a waitress walked up to their table and took their orders. They both just ordered a cup of coffee. When it came Castle took a sip to test it out. It was decent but not better than his.

"You don't like it?" He asked her when she didn't touch hers.

"I'm sure I won't. I don't really drink coffee much, anymore."

Castle became curious. "When's the last time you had some?"

"I went on a drinking spree the day after our fight because coffee was disgusting to me everywhere I drank it."

"Kate Beckett without her coffee? I'm happy I wasn't there."

He was joking but there was a little seriousness in his voice. Neither one of them laughed either and Kate just stared down into her cup.

"Nobody's coffee was as good as yours. I wanted your coffee."

_Whoa_!

As a writer Castle has an excellent hold on subtext. And...did she really just say that? She missed him. Did she really?

She does because he can see it in her eyes. But missing him won't help solve anything. And plus she didn't actually say the words.

"Anyway. I came here for closure."

Her head immediately popped up. "Closure?"

"Yes. It's been two years and its time for me to let you go."

She didn't know what to say or how to handle this situation. Is it bad that she wants to cry? Is it selfish? Why does she want him to hold on? Why doesn't she want him to let go?

She knows why. She's always known why.

"You should let me go. I've been nothing but a problem to you. Just an obstacle."

"Is that really how you feel?"

"No," she whispered shaking her head and closing her eyes. "No it's not."

"It's been two years. Lets only say things we mean."

She didn't speak, she didn't know what to say, she didn't know what he wanted to hear.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me why you left?"

"Because you told me to."

"Not the textbook reason!" He yelled through strained teeth. "Tell me the real reason."

She bit her lip and closed her eyes again, gathering the strength to open up.

"You were so mad and I was scared Castle. I thought maybe we could talk when we both calmed down."

"Scared of what? You thought I would lose it?"

She just shook her head and looked away. "I know that you would never hurt me like that. I trust you Castle it's just that I really screwed up that night. I wanted a do over."

"Hmm. Why'd you lie?"

"You know why Castle. I told you."

He sighed. She did tell him why and he knows that's a truthful reason. "You say you trusted me. So why did you carry on the lie for a whole year? Why couldn't you tell me sooner?"

"I wanted to. I really did," she said in a low voice. "But I also wanted to tell you everything at once. I wanted to tell you that I remembered what you said and I how I felt at the same time. In the meantime I was healing. I didn't know it'd take a year."

"Do you have anything else you want to say? No indirect speaking."

At the moment she couldn't voice her her thoughts, she wanted to tell him everything. Of all the things she's overcome to be able to say what he desperately wanted to hear her say.

"I'm sorry. I want you to know that. I was wrong for lying to you and for not being open with you. For not trusting you." She paused to stop herself from crying. "For running. Castle I'm so so so sorry."

"Thankyou. I really needed to hear that."

Castle's phone beeped alerting him that he had to go back to his book signing.

"I forgive you Kate. But that won't take my pain away. Only time will."

"I understand."

"I don't want you out of my life Kate. Lets take this a step at a time. Can I come over your apartment later?"

Kate blushed. He really didn't know about her not living in New York. "I'm actually at a hotel. I'll text you the address."

He didn't have time to ask questions so he just have her a sly smile and left.

She watched him as he walked away and when he reached the door she whispered "and I love you." And then she let the tears fall.

She quickly texted him the address to her hotel before paying the bill and leaving. She never touched her coffee.

She didn't know when Castle would be done so she went back to the hotel to deal with the other man. She likes Greg and he's really sweet and nice but he's not the one for her. She was in another go nowhere relationship but now she was going to accept that she wasn't going to hide anymore. Castle is the one she's supposed to be with.


	9. Authors Note!

**A/N: I am soooo very sorry about this but the next chapter won't be up for a while. I can't say exactly when because school just started again for me and I've been busy. **

**I ask that you be patient with me. The next chapter is very important to the story. It's the scene that inspired theirs story so I want to take my time get it right. **

**Again I am so sorry. And I apologize for not replying to reviews for thaw last two chapters. I'll try and get better with that. Thank you all for your support. Over 100 reviews and follows. I am honestly touched. It makes me smile knowing that people like my story so much. **

**Again I'm sorry and beg that you'll all stay with me on this. I'll update as soon as I can find the time to do it right!**


	10. Chapter 10 part one

**Hey! Sorry this took soooo long. I wanted to do it right but I still don't think I did. Please let me know if this sucks and is completely out of character. But it is two years later so maybe it's exactly in character? I don't know. **

**Anyway I cut this into two parts because this ran really long. Part two will be up soon hopefully. Enjoy!**

* * *

Kate made her way back to the apartment and when she arrived there Greg was nowhere to be found. She figured the only places he would go on maybe to the movies or to get some food because he doesn't know anyone here. He wouldn't just go talking to people or the people that she knew.

The one thing she really likes about Greg is that he's trusting. She doesn't have to worry about him and he doesn't worry about her. It's not so much as worrying about cheating on each other but more so they don't know enough about each other and their habits. Or at least that's how she feels about it. They haven't been together long enough to really care for him, not that she let herself anyway.

"Greg hey. Where are you?" She asked when he answered her phone call.

"On my way back to the hotel. I had some stuff to do with."

"Okay great. We have to talk."

The line went silent for a few moments before Greg finally spoke up again. "About what?"

"I'll let you know when you get here."

"I have something to talk to you about two," he said with the bitterness in his voice. What had he been up to?

"Okay I'll see you when you get here." She hung up before he could say anything further.

Kate begin pacing back and forth in the hotel room anxiously waiting for Greg to emerge through it. She wasn't sure how she was going to do this but she knew it had to be done before Castle arrived. She's broken up with many guys before she can do it once more because she is absolutely certain that she won't need to do it again. Castle is the one shes supposed to be with and she determined to have him forgive her before he leaves here.

She's been ready to take that leap with him for two years and now she finally has a chance she won't let it slip away again. That night she wanted to tell them but she couldn't. She didn't want to say it in those circumstances, where she'll only tell him so he won't be angry with her instead of her waiting for her to be ready. And that night she wasn't ready.

Now she's not even nervous over Greg anymore she's on edge about coming clean about her feelings for Castle. So many things could go amiss . What if he doesn't want to go that route with her anymore? What if she really has also chance? What if all he really wants is closer? What if he can't be friends with her after she speaks about her feeling? What if this is the last time she ever sees him? Two years is hard enough on her she definitely won't be able to do the rest of her life.

WHAT IF HE'S DATING SOMEONE?

_Oh_. Oh that would be the worst of all. Watching him be happy with someone else is worse than having him not want to see her or even not having feelings for her. If he's seeing someone then all of this was pointless.

... Wait... Lanie said he was meeting his girlfriend at serendipity yesterday. Him having a girlfriend totally ruins everything. But she won't let it discourage her because Castle stayed right by her side whenever she was in a relationship. Lanie also said that she cheated on him so maybe he broke up with her. That would make the situation a lot better. But still it won't stop her.

"Hey," Greg greeted walking into the room. "I think I should start first."

"No Greg i have to get this out."

"Let me go first," he demanded putting emphasis first. Kate just rolled her eyes and gestured for him to start.

"I know about Castle. I know everything."

What?

No no. Wait wait…

What?

"What are you talking about?"

"I just had a nice long conversation with one of your dear friends. Told me all about the cat and mouse game you and your "partner" have been playing since the day you met. I know that you have very very strong feelings for him."

"Greg you don't know what you are talk –"

"Why wouldn't you tell me about him?" He asked and when she didn't reply he waited her out.

"It's none of your business. He is none of your business."

"Kate I get the whole we just met thing. We haven't been together that long but I have been doing nothing but trying to prove to you that we can trust each other. Before he came back into your life you seem like you're ready to take our relationship to the next level."

He was right so she couldn't argue with him. So she let him have his moment because the no matter how this lecture ended she would still end up breaking up with him. No harm in letting him speak his mind.

"Kate she told me that it's been two years since you guys last saw each other. And so I sat there an realized you've overcome so much in that time. So why undo all the work you put into trying to get over him? Why not try and forget him so you can finally let yourself be happy?"

"Greg," she began. "I appreciate everything you're saying I really do, but I haven't gotten over him. I've been in love with him linger than any of my friends know. Probably longer than I'll let myself admit. And one thing that I've learned about myself is that I hide. And run away from my problems instead of facing them head on. And my problem was that I was hurting. I was in pain during those two years and I found you to help take some of it away. I am sorry I used you for that it was wrong if me. But it's something I've done with more guys in the past. They weren't it for me and neither are you."

"So what are you saying?" He asked aggressively.

"Greg it's over." He didn't want to hear it. No. It wasn't really happening. "I'd like you to leave. Go back to Chicago. I'll see you there in a couple of days."

He stepped up to her and smacked her across her cheek so hard it sent her tumbling backwards to the floor. "NO! You don't get to just end it like that. Kate I don't know if you've reused but there's something incredible about you. So I'm not going to let you go that easily!"

Kate couldn't even make any coherent thoughts before Greg grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into the bedroom. When she tried to speak again to ask him what he was doing he punched her in the stomach. "Shut up Kate. Or I am not going to make this enjoyable for you."

What the hell was he talking about?

Make what enjoyable?

_Oh goodness! Oh God no! He isn't?_

"Greg," she called weakly when her vision finally cleared up and she could see what he was doing. He's undoing his pants...

"What? You seemed pretty ready that night at serendipity. What's changed? I'm still me you're still you. Besides the fact that you want to fuck someone else."

"Don't."

"Sorry sweetheart you're not the boss of me," he said punching her in the stomach again so she couldn't put up a fight when began to undo her pants too.

He is certainly not going through with this. Even if its over her dead body. But before she could do anything she heard a knock on the front door. He was here? Castle was here?

"Don't you dare scream."

"Okay," she agreed. All in one move she wrapped her legs around Greg's neck and twisted as hard as she could. She heard a crack and thren Greg went screaming down to the floor. That's when she jumped up and found him on the floor and punched him in the nose. "Now get the hell out." She was certain his neck wasn't broken she just twisted it too far the wrong way.

Greg got up from off the floor slowly and made his way out to leave. He didn't say anything or look back at Kate who was following him to the door. As bad as it hurt he had to put his head back to stop the blood that was gushing from his nose. When she opened the door for him to leave Castle was standing there on his phone. When he saw what was going on with Greg he immediately became confused.

"I'll get you back for this," he yelled when he was halfway down the hallway.

Kate didn't say anything she just ushered Castle inside. "What happened," he asked when she closed the door.

"He was mad...and the. He got angry and I didn't know what to do. Then he started...and I couldn't just sit there and let him. So I punched him."

"Kate, did he hurt you?"

"No. Yes. It could've been worse. He was making sure he was going to do worse. But I'm fine."

"What did he do?"

"Nothing you need to be concerned about."

"Really? It looks like something I need to worry about," he exclaimed pointing down to her unbuttoned pants. She quickly did them back up.

"Castle it's nothing really. I handled it."

He couldn't argue that. With the amount of blood his nose was doing he most likely was going to have to go to the emergency room. Castle didn't say anything after she spoke. He wasn't going to fight her on this. She is a grown woman who knows how to take care of herself but that doesn't mean he isn't going to be silently concerned about her.

"Hows your cheek?"

"What?"

"Your cheek, it's red."

She touched her cheek to see if it hurt but it didn't so the damage couldn't be that bad. "I'm fine Castle see." She began poking at it.

"If it looks that bad I'm betting that's going to hurt and a few minutes so you might want to stop doing that." She sighed before shaking her head. He wasn't going to let this go but then again she admired it. He obviously was still protective of her like he used to be. This is a good sign but she doesn't want to push it. "You also should put some ice on it."

"It doesn't hurt."

"That doesn't mean it won't swell."

"I'm fine castle."

"You're still stubborn."

She really didn't know how to take that comment so she didn't say anything. She didn't know exactly why he asked to come over but she's hoping she gets the courage to tell him how she feels. But him making her feel weak right now wasn't helping.

* * *

"Are you thirsty?" She asked him after another few minutes of silence between them.

"Sure."

"All I've got is water though this hotel kind of sucks."

"Yeah why are you in a hotel? Is something wrong with your apartment?"

She knew she would have to tell him at some point but she didn't realize it would be this difficult. Maybe he'll be happy for her. But then he might take it as her running even when they weren't talking. He would it be wrong she did do it for that reason. Just shut up and get it over with.

"Um, about that, I don't live in Manhattan anymore."

"Where are you? I never thought you leave here. This is where you grew up."

"I was offered a job about a couple of months ago. I live in Chicago now." When he didn't respond she continued. "After that serial killer case the FBI started looking into me. They offered me a job and since I was miserable at the time I thought why not? I had nothing keeping me here so I took the job."

"And that's where you met bloody nose?"

"Greg," she corrected before nodding.

"Hmm."

Castle didn't know how to feel about the given information. He knows he has no right to be hurt, it's not like they were talking but still she brought on her own misery. He said she could come back when she was ready but she never showed. He just guessed since she wasn't ready that she would never be.

He drank his glass of water in two gulps desperately wishing it was something up it stronger. But he won't go down that route. Not again.

"Want some more?"

"Sure," he walked over to her in the kitchen. "I'll get it though."

"No I got it."

They both went to the sink to refill Castle's glass. Castle went to cut on the water while Kate reached for his glass accidentally brushing her fingers over his. It the first scrap of physical contact they've shared in two years but it feels like nothings changed. There was still that wave of heat that spread through her body, there were still fireworks going off in her head. And by the way his body trembled she is sure he felt it too. Maybe they really do have a chance…

"Castle," she whispered. He shook his head no, like he knew what she was going to say. "Castle I have to tell you something."

"No, let's not get into anything after we just agreed to take a step at a time."

"Castle I just want to talk."

"If it's about that then no. I can't handle it right now." Rejection. He can't handle the rejection because he knows that that's where this is headed. Whenever this happened in the past she shook it off but now she's going to tell him how she feels about it. He doesn't mean to make her uncomfortable but it's not like he does it on purpose.

She's getting frustrated now. He won't ket her talk and she's losing the courage she gathered tell him. She's been bottling this up for long time now and she has a chance to tell him and she refuses to let it pass her by. Regardless of whether he wants to hear it or not. If she doesn't get it out now she might end up telling him when the timing is terrible.

"Let me say this," she demanded resting her hand on his again. Castle closed his eyes and sighed at the contact.

"You don't want to do this. You don't want to get into this now."

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE!" He yelled. He saw her jump and move backwards some. He surprised himself too. He clearly still has a lot of anger built up from that night. "It's too late for anything now Beckett! I know what you're going to say and I agree. It's better if we just be friends. But you don't have to drag me through everything overcome! I get it. I certainly caught on when you walked out the door and never bothered to talk to me again. It's been two years Kate. 24 months, 730 days, 17520 hours, 10,51200 minutes, and 63,113,852 seconds. I know you may think I'm crazy because I did look that up buy it doesn't make it any less true!"

Castle was angry now but so was she he clearly had no idea. "Castle I'm sorry. I know I said that before but this time it's about everything we don't speak about. I'm sorry about everything that happened that night. I swear that's not how it wanted it to go. It's just that I was scared Castle."

"Scared?" He scoffed. "Of what?"

"Of you Castle!" Kate sighed and ran her fingers through her hair before speaking again. "I'm scared of you. Ever since I realize that I had feelings for you I was worried I do something to mess it up. I pushed you away at first you know because I thought that if we don't discuss it no one could get hurt," she paused and shook her head. Now she realizes how stupid that sounded. "Then it started getting harder to deny because we were getting closer and I ended up wanting you to be at the precinct with me. And so I ran from you again but in a relationship the next time."

"Kate –"

"I like Demming but he wasn't it. There was always something missing with us. And when I finally had enough and I could no longer deny it I was going to tell you." She looked away from him so he wouldn't see the tears that were forming in her eyes. "And then you left for a whole summer… With Gina."

"Kate –"

"I was so mad at you. But then I realized it was more my fault than anything. I knew I had feelings for you and I chose to ignore them. While you were gone I got to know someone else. I tried to convince myself that I didn't need you to be happy. Because that whole summer I was miserable." She chuckled at the pitiful memories. "Every time the elevator dinged I turned around hoping it was you every time my phone rang I was hoping it was you. And every time it wasn't. So I tried to move on."

"The bet?"

"I let you win. I just wanted you back. And then you did and I just couldn't control my emotions anymore. I was really falling for you even though I was still hurt over the summer, you somehow found a way for me to forgive you."

"You don't have to keep going," he fathomed.

"Oh but I do Castle. Because you don't know yet. We had spent 2 1/2 years together Castle and I was already starting to fall for you. I didn't like it because I'm usually always in control and with you I wasn't. What I said and did depended on you. My emotions depended on you! You started scaring me Castle because while I was falling for you, you were trying to become more of a friend to me. You weren't the same guy you were when we first met you were nicer, sweeter, more caring. And that made it harder for me to deny my feelings."

She sighed and try to fight the tears that was threatening to fall down her cheeks. She wouldn't let him see. Not like this. "And then you kissed me," she heard Castle sharply and inhale but she didn't turn around instead she started rambling. "And that's when I knew I was in love with you. I kissed you back because i wanted to not because we were undercover. And I wanted to tell you for so long but I couldn't because I simply wasn't ready. And then the dirty bomb case happened and I tried to tell you when we were in that tent. It was a perfect opportunity but i guess you didn't catch on and then i tried to tell you when we were locked in the freezer but all I remember was blacking out. Then you got out of the ambulance and started walking towards me and i smiled at you because I thought you remembered and I was so excited but then you started talking about Josh and I just went along with it because I know wasn't entirely ready to be with you yet. I didn't even know if being with you was the best choice for me. So grudgingly I stayed with Josh for a couple more months. And then that stupid argument the day before my shooting I wanted you talked me out of working my mothers case. But I fought you instead because I was mad that you had figured me out. Everything you said to me that night was true Castle and I'm sorry I pushed you away anyway. It's just that I'm not used to having someone know me so well. You figured me out I Didn't like That Everything I Did you knew the Real Meaning behind. Then the Day of My Shooting I Was Going to Tell You How I Felt after the Funeral but Then I Got Shot. And When You Told Me That You loved Me I Just Wanted to Say it back but I Couldn't, I Couldn't Speak and Then All I Saw Was Blackness."

She took in a deep breath before continuing. Castle just stayed there silently and watch her he couldn't bring himself to say anything or even move from his spot.

"When I woke up I thought it be best to say I didn't remember you telling me because I was in the dark place Castle. Someone was trying to kill me and I was in so much pain. All I could think about was how many people I've lost over this. It wasn't even about justice anymore it was about me being free. I wanted to live my life. I wasted over a decade of it to my mother's case and I didn't want to waste anymore. Castle I lied because I wanted to heal. The girl that you fell in love with was gone and I needed to find her again and I couldn't do that with anyone, it was something i had to do on my own. But as soon as I was healed I was going to tell you that I lied but I was also going to tell you that I was in love with you. And I would only hope you wouldn't be mad anymore and forgive me so we could've been together because it's all I wanted. All I wanted was to be with you."

"Kate –"

"And then you started acting different. No you were acting like a jackass and I didn't know why. When you asked me to come over that night I was going to tell you that I remembered and that I was working on me. I was almost there Castle. My scar didn't pull anymore and accepted the fact that I could never solve my mothers case, my nightmares almost subsided. I was finding me again. I wasn't going to ask you to keep waiting but I thought I will just let you know. But instead you started yelling at me and demanding that I tell you how I felt I couldn't tell you under those circumstances Castle I just couldn't."

"Kate!"

"And then you told me to leave and I thought maybe tomorrow I'll come back and we could talk properly. But then you called me that night you were drunk and begging me to come back I knew you wouldn't remember so I didn't come. And then you started calling me every night and every time you were drunk. I could hear the pain in your voice and it just made me hate myself for doing that to you. I wanted to call you so many times I wanted to apologize and start over. But I would hear the boys talking and they would say how good you were doing and I didn't want to be a burden to you. So I never tried to reach out to you. But you should know these past two years were hard on me."

"Meet too Kate but –"

"No. I was still in love with you and I felt so guilty. Castle I'm so so sorry for being such a coward. I shouldn't have done any of those things but I'm ready now. I've been ready and I've wanted this opportunity for so long. And understand if you're still hurt over it and you can't forgive me but you needed to know. You need to know that," she turned around and faced him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks her eyes and her whole face was red. "I love you Castle. And I'm sorry its taken me so long to say it."

"Kate I-"

"I understand if you're still hurt. But you should know that I'm not going to give up. I'm gonna fight for you Castle the same way you fought for me. It's been proven over these last two years that I cannot be happy if you're not in my life. And I know that may sound selfish and _it is_ but Castle I need you. You have no idea how much I rely on you. You're right it has been two years and 63,113, 852 seconds but I intend to spend the rest of my life making these two years up to you Castle. No one else makes me as happy as you do. And even when I'm upset all it takes is for you to say its going to be alright and I would be okay. It shocks the hell out of me every time. And Greg? Don't even worry about him. He was just so I could distract myself. I was still hurting over you and I was tired of the pity from Lanie and my dad for still holding on so I just dated him to make them feel better. But I didn't even really like him, he was a good guy but not for me."

"Let me-"

"Please forgive me. That's what's most important. But you should also know that I will never give up. I'm in this Rick. One hundred percent, I'm not going anywhere. Promise."


	11. Chapter 11 part two!

_"I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is telling me that I need to move on, on the other side I wanna break down and cry"_

Usher-Burn

* * *

"Please forgive me. That's what's most important. But you should also know that will never give up. I'm in this Rick. One hundred percent, I'm not going anywhere. Promise."

Castle stood there silently while waiting to see if she was finished talking. When she stayed quiet for a few moments Castle went to speak but stopped when he realized he didn't know what to say. Some of the things she said hurt him others flattered him and the rest left him wanting to know the whole story. When he didn't speak she spoke up.

"Please say something Castle. Anything is better than silence," she begged while sniffling from all the crying she's done.

"Tell me about the phone calls." Even though he's dying to get into the "I love you" she through out their numerous times he knew it was best to save it for last.

When all he asked about was the phone calls she was hurt. She told him everything, she spilled her secrets and her heart and he chose not to speak of that. But can she really be upset? Didn't she do the same thing?

"What do you wanna know?"

"When'd they start?"

"That night, you called at three in the morning."

"What did I say?"

She knew he wasn't going to remember. "You asked why I left. And then told me that you really didn't want me to leave."

"When did they stop?"

"After about eight or nine months. They would get less frequent and then just stop altogether."

"What we talk about?" He asked absentmindedly taking a step closer to her.

"We wouldn't talk. You would call and just yell at me. You would tell me how much you love me and how much I hurt you. One time you told me," she paused and looked down. "That you hated me."

"Oh Kate I don't hate you."

"Hmm."

The silence between them now was killing her. It was causing her an adrenaline to slow down and her breathing to even out. Ever since Greg left she was on edge. Shaking jittering. Both work calming and now she's scared that she'll lose her courage to keep talking to him.

"We could've did it together you know? You didn't have to go to the healing process on your own. I would've been there Kate."

"I know you would've. But that's why I had to do it alone. If you would've help me I would have ended up healing and getting better for you instead of me. And that couldn't happen because–"

"If something were to happen to us you would've fell right back down that rabbit hole."

"Exactly."

Castle nodded his understanding. It made us sad kind of sense. But it didn't take the pain away. Actually nothing she said it could take the pain away only time can but now he'll actually allow himself to heal.

"So," he looked down and took a step closer to her. "You love me."

She nodded vigorously before speaking. "Yes."

"Why?" She's not putting her through too much is he? He has a right to know this.

Kate turned so she wouldn't have to face him. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her hair before speaking. "I don't know why, exactly. I think the fact that I don't have a specific reason is why I'm able to hold on so long. If I have a reason and that reason was gone I probably wouldn't love you anymore."

"I get it. That's unconditional Love."

"Yeah. But I can tell you some of the things that I love about you."

"Okay," he said with a small smile forming on his face.

"I love your eyes. I know that may be cliche but I do. The say so much and in my darkest times all I had to do was look into your eyes and everything would be okay. But then other times your eyes would say what your mouth wouldn't. That's why I had to look away all those times."

"I love your smile," she continued. "It's contagious. That's why I would glare at you whenever you made a joke. But most of them were funny."

"I knew it!" He laughed.

She smiled and shook her shook her head. "That's something else I love. How excited and happy you get over things. I know I called it childish but it's one of the things that first attracted me to you."

"I love the way you are with Alexis. You're such a good father. And I could only imagine that one day I could be as good as you."

She smiled brighter and when she saw him smiling at her. It felt good to see that. "I love your passion. I know that's generalized because you have deep passions for multiple things but I do. Especially when were working a case and you are figuring out the mystery. You don't give up until you know the story and I love watching you. Then you include me and it took everything in me not to let it show."

"I saw right through it."

"Only when I let you see."

"Oh I beg to differ," he teased stepping closer to her.

"I love your brain. Or the way you think. It makes me question myself and that challenges me. Whenever I couldn't figure something out and you could I would get jealous. But I loved it at the same time."

"I love your ass."

He laughed and nodded. "I've been told I have a nice ass."

"You do. You know what else I love? Your heart Castle. It's so big and full of love. You care about everyone in your life so deeply Castle. And I was honored to be one of the people you kept in there."

This time he smiled weakly. "I love your patience Castle. You waited four years for me to finally tell you how I felt and I let you down. But even in these past two years you didn't let me go. Thank you and I'm sorry."

Neither one had realized how close they were now. When Castle was yelling at her earlier she backed away and Castle traveled to the other side of the room. She's standing by the refrigerator while he's by the sink now.

Castle didn't know what to say. She's spilling her heart to him without any problems. It's shocking the hell out of him. If someone told him that this would happen he wouldn't have believed them, he might have even laughed in their faces. Kate Beckett admitting her feelings for Rick Castle? What?

Neither of them are speaking, just staring into the others eyes. That is until she spoke.

"Richard I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm still working on forgiving myself so I don't expect you to just forgive me because of what I've said. I understand that it's going to take some time but I'm going to wait for you. Just like you waited for me. And you know why? Because I love you."

Castle closed his eyes and clenched his fist. It was then that he realized that he was still holding his glass of water.

She keeps saying those words. They're literally ringing in his ears making his heart beat frantically in his chest. It was getting harder to just stand there because here she is. The woman of his dreams-metaphorically and literally- standing before him speaking her love for him. It's all he's ever wanted to hear her speak those words and she has. More than once. And she's so beautiful standing here before him with tears and hope flooding her eyes and her face red as blood. He wants to claim her and he does against his minds better judgement. But his heart wins this round.

"Say it again," he demands.

With new tears forming she manages to speak. "I love you Castle."

"Again."

"I love you."

"Again."

_"I love you."_

"Again."

"I love you."

"Again please."

"I love you Richard Castle."

"Please," he said closing his eyes. He's about to crack.

"I love you," she said in an almost moan.

"One more time please?"

"I LOVE-"

She didn't get a chance to finish because Castle's heart took over his body and he tossed his cup into the sink without a second thought and flew to her, making sure to press his lips against hers.

This kiss was messy and sloppy and wet and a jumbled mess of spit, lips, tongue and teeth, but neither of them cared. They were them and they were kissing. After two years (six) they finally were kissing for real.

Both of them wanted more but he knew he had to stop before it got out of hand.

"It's too soon," she whispered when he pushed her back.

"Yes."

But he came back and kissed her again. This time it was simple, just a light kiss. They could feel the passion between them and they also knew from this kiss that they would be okay. They would get through this.

Castle brought his hands up to cup her cheeks but she jerked back.

"Your cheek hurts doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

"I told you so," he mocked moving to get some ice for her cheek. "Look Kate. I love you too, you know that. But that doesn't mean you can tell me to heal it still hurts remembering how it felt to shut down. For so long I was lost and in a dark place. It is going to take me a while to get over this. So we are going to have to take this slow."

"Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."

"Great. But I should get going. I'm busy all this week I'm late with my manuscript. I have until the end of the week to get it in or Black Pawn is going to disown me. Can we talk maybe on Sunday?"

"I'm only here for the week Castle. My flight back to Chicago is Saturday night."

"Oh."

**Clearly I'm not good with the love stuff. Anything you want me to add about what Kate loves about Castle? I wanted there to be more but I couldn't think of anything else.**


	12. Chapter 12

Rick couldn't help but feel...not happy but...overjoyed. Katherine Beckett, the woman he's been chasing after since day one, let him see her cry and she told him that she loved him.

How could life get any better?

She poured her heart out to him and he just melted inside himself. This beautiful, strong, independent, marvelous, strong hearted, broken, frustrating, hard headed woman is fighting for little ole him.

Kate Beckett! Just a little reminder.

He has hope now that everything will be okay. That they will be okay. They'll make through this rough patch (two years is a rough patch?) and be able to be themselves again. It's true that they can never be happy without each other. Before he met Kate, Castle wasn't happy. The parties were getting old and repetitive, he was getting bored with his writing. Nothing was going right (with the exception of Alexis) in his life until her.

And now look at them. They're working their problems out so they can be together again. Or rather together as in friendship again but together also as in relationship for the first time.

And he's excited. It's the first time since that night that he's felt anything other than heartbreak and sadness. And it feels good not to feel it now...

_That is until she said she had to leave. _

What does she mean she's only in town till Saturday? Didn't she just say she isn't going anywhere? They were just beginning to figure everything out! Chicago! _Really?_

"What does this mean?"

"Um...I'm not sure Castle. The only reason I went is because I needed some time away from the city."

"From the reminder of me?" He asked dryly.

The sudden change in his voice broke her a little inside. The air felt cold and soul biting. Much like the air from that night. The air, his tone of voice, her tears, it was all too familiar.

"No not exactly. A reminder of what I did. I needed some space from the guilt that was tearing me away."

"I get it."

More silence.

She didn't know how much more of this she could take. She already risked her heart today, can she muster up more courage?

"Castle go home and finish your book. Don't worry or stress about this I'm gonna fix it."

"How?"

"I'll think of something. Let me handle it."

"I hope you can fix this Kate because if not don't bother contacting me."

She shouldn't be surprised at his anger. Seeing him this angry shouldn't feel like a knife to the heart. She deserved this, she deserved this pain because yeah she left him for two tears and now she's talking about leaving the state. Yes she defaces this pain and no she will not cry.

She stayed strong and fought through it. "I will Castle. No worries at all. I'm not worried so you shouldn't be." She gave him a small smile.

"Mhmm. Talk to me on Saturday. Otherwise I'll be writing," he said walking to the front door. "I'll see you?"

"Yes. Goodnight Castle."

"Night Kate."

After he closed the door she broke out into deep sobs. She never meant to hurt him again, but she'll prove to him that she's in this. She wants him and a life with him here in New York not Chicago. She'll prove her love.

She meant it! _She's not going any-where!_

**I wanted to get something up for you guys. Thankyou for all the lively support! Every review follow and favorite just makes my day. And to the guest reviews: THANK YOU! I don't say it enough to you guys but you definitely deserve the praise now. thankyou so much all of you! :)**


	13. Chapter 13

What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell…

_What the hell just happened?!_

He didn't mean to sound like a asshole, he was just shocked that she said she was going back. She did say she wasn't going anywhere...

But he should be happy, actually he should be pressing her for information. She works for the FBI! That's a fantasy he's been having since the early days of Nikki Heat. He should be happy for her. And just because she has to go back doesn't mean they can't be together.

Yeah okay he really screwed up. He turns to walk back inside her hotel room when he can hear her sobbing. It hits him then.

He'd been so caught up in his own sorrow and heartbreak that he never thought about how much pain she's in. How much pain she's been in these past two years. She said she felt guilty and she loves him to she must've been heartbroken too. She said she's working on forgiving herself so he could only imagine how much self-hatred is there. She must've been angry too because he was. She had to have been angry at him for telling her to leave for pushing her to open up before she was ready. And the all the other emotions you feel when you lose someone.

_Oh God. _

How far down did she fall? She lost her partner. Her always. How far did she fall? How damaged is she now? How did she manage to pull herself out? Did anyone care to help her?

Now he hates himself for making it all about him. Because there is something he's been keeping from her. There was his secret that he never told her. The one about Smith.

He's to blame some too not just Kate. Maybe he should tell her. What if that made it worse? They wouldn't be able to bounce back from that. She would tear him limb from limb.

No he doesn't think he'll tell her. At least no time soon.

He tore himself away from her sobs and headed home. He does have a book he needs to finish.

* * *

The next morning Kate got up, showered, and dressed for a meeting. She knows she's taking a long shot but that doesn't matter. What matters is gaining Castle's trust back and if this is the way to do it then so be it.

If she has to do a lot of butt kissing then she will, for him, because he's worth it. And she's doing this for herself too. It's not like she hasn't missed this. She was happy with her life before but she only left to help heal herself. But now nothing's keeping her back. She wants this.

She whipped her hair up in a professional manner and put on her best suit that she had packed and headed out. In the taxi the guy drove a familiar route to her destination.

She paid the driver then headed inside the building. Once inside she was hit with a familiar scent. It stinks badly but at the same time she welcomes it.

It feels like she never left this place. She's spent so much of her life here she could never forget anything. Where the floor dents in, the breeze that comes in from the right, the bathroom door that gets stuck in the ladies room, how the lighting gives you a headache if you don't bring an extra lamp. Everything. She'll never forget.

She steps off the elevator and she does know why she does what she does next, maybe it's just instinct now, but she starts taking her coat off to place it in the back of her chair. But when she approaches it she stops.

Det. Franklin.

That's not her or her desk. Hasn't been for two years. She shrugs her jacket back on and when she heads for the door at the end of the room a voice shouts her name.

Damn. She wanted to surprise him and no doubt his partner that's with him now.

"Hey guys."

"Beckett! What are you doing here?" Esposito asks with a smile.

"Why do you think I'm here Espo?" She counters. "Hey Ryan," she greets when he walks out of the break room.

"Beckett what are you doing here? You're not about to leave are you?"

"No I'm not leaving yet."

"Then why are you here?"

She smiles and bites her lip. She'll let them figure it out.

She turns around, still smiling, and heads to the Captains door. Jeez! Was she this nervous before?

She can easily get shot down from this and sent out in a second. Hopefully she won't be so mad that Kate never gets a word in.

With her heart beating harshly and loudly in her ears she knocked on the door. Through the window she saw her gesture to come in without looking up.

"Hello sir," Kate greeted when she walked in.

When Captain Gates finally looked up at Kate she was stunned. She thought she'd never see her again, never mind back in the precinct. After a moment Gates smiled.

"Beckett what brings you here?"

Is she smiling? And being nice? She isn't mad? What the hell is up?!

"Uh, actually sir I came to talk to you."

"About?"

"My old job."

There was silence between the two for a minute. Longest minute of Kate's fucking life. She swears she could've heard an ant crawling around. That's how quiet it was.

"What about it?"

"I want it back."

"What you can't hack it with the feebies?"

She'll let her have that. She deserves it. "Actually I'm getting along just fine. But the FBI isn't for me I belong here."

"I won't say that you being gone hasn't done some damage but what makes you think that you can just come here and get it back?"

"I didn't think I would sir. I was hoping."

"Agent Beckett, do you remember what happened before you took the job with the FBI?"

"Yeah we were working the serial killer case. Douglas Manshaft."

"You remember what happened?"

"I-I," she paused. This memory still haunts her. "I threw him against the mirror in interrogation."

"And?"

"And when it broke," another pause and she averted her eyes. "I took a shard and began cutting his throat."

"Thank goodness it wasn't deep. Or else you would've killed him right?"

"I wasn't going to. I wouldn't have gotten that far."

"I hope not. Anyway after that I suspended you. I could've fired you even but I didn't cause I couldn't lose my best detective. Then you resigned."

"I remember."

"You want your job back? Show me how much you want it. Quit the FBI and carry out your suspension."

"If course," her spirit was getting higher.

"And in three and a half weeks I want you back here six am sharp to retake the detectives written exam and you have to re-qualify."

"Why?"

"You've been learning the ways of the FBI Beckett I need to make sure you still know all the codes and information about New York. And they don't make you do a re-qualification test in the FBI. I have to make sure you still got it before I allow you to come back."

"I understand sir. Thank you captain."

"Don't thank me yet," she said gesturing towards the door and placing her glasses back on.

She walked back out into the bull pen where Ryan and Esposito were waiting for her.

"You're coming back aren't you Beckett?" Ryan asked.

She smirked. "In three weeks time."

"Oh man! Are you serious?"

"Yeah guys. I know it must be hard solving murders without me."

"Or you just can't hack it as a feebee," Esposito countered.

"You're right. I was still in training and it would've went on for the next four months. I couldn't do it."

"Well it's nice to have you back."

"Thank you guys. But I'm not in one hundred percent yet. And do you guys mind keeping this on the DL? I want to be the one to tell everyone."

"Yeah of course."

"Thanks."

Kate started making her way to the elevator with a smile on her face. This should prove it to Castle. She's in this and now she's got her job back. It's a win/win for both of them.


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm so sorry you guys but I have some bad news. My computer still doesn't have Internet and on may 2nd my phones getting cut off. My mom can't pay within the next three weeks because of certain things that require alot of money. Maybe I can get to the library and write, I don't know. But new chapters for this and my new story won't be up for a while. **

**Hopefully she can pay soon. But I wanted to get this up for you guys because you rock :) I hope you're still with me afterwards. **

* * *

Kate walked out of the elevator and made her way into the morgue. When she found that familiar set of double doors she walked through and saw her friend Lanie placing the human brain into a jar of liquid that looked like water. It was disgusting but she showed the image aside and waiting for Lanie to finish before she announced her presence.

"Hey!" Lanie greeted after she said that the brain down and removed her gloves and gown.

"Hey."

"What brings you down here girl? I thought for sure be trying to get back in good with castle."

"That's what I came to talk about."

"Are you guys talking?"

"Umm actually we're kind of together but not together."

"How?" Lanie asked crossing her arms.

"Okay how about I start at the beginning?" Kate proposed. When Lanie agreed she sat down and listen to Kate retell everything that had happened. Starting from the run in at the bookstore. She didn't leave anything out, not even the incident with Greg. By the time she finished explaining Lanie looked dumbstruck. She couldn't believe anything Kate just told her.

She wants to be happy for her friend, she really does, but there is this thing that's poking at her that won't let her. And it's worry. She's worried about the relationship going down the toilet again. It took the life out of Kate when her and Castle stopped speaking. She's worried about what would happen if they would have another falling out. It would destroy your friend if she doesn't want to want to see her that low again. After how devastated she was last time. And for so long!

"Oh! you're coming back!"

"How did you know?" Kate chuckled after receiving a hug from Lanie. "I didn't even say I was staying."

"Well of course you would. You can't stay in Chicago and be with Castle while he's here."

"True. Lanie I'm so happy. Castle's giving me another chance. This is the best feeling of my life I've never been this happy before."

"I'm happy for you Katie. You deserve to be happy. And it's castle!"

"I know that's was really makes it all so surreal."

"So what are you going to do now?" Lanie asked avoiding eye contact.

"I'm going to book the earliest flight back to Chicago get my stuff and fly back."

"You're really doing this?" Lanie asked trying to keep the worry out of her voice. She failed.

"Yeah. What is it Lanie?"

She sighed. "I just don't want to see you get hurt again. Neither of you."

Kate sighed and shook her head, she understood her friends concern, but there is really nothing to worry about because her and Castle are made for each other. She truly believed that they are...soul mates.

She wanted to smack herself. Until Castle she didn't believe in soul mates, until Castle she wasn't a romantic sap.

"Castle came to me too you know. Whenever he needed a woman to talk to he came around. He was just as bad as you were and I don't want to see either of you hurt."

"I know. I'll be careful. But I don't wanna screw this up. I want this I want him. I don't wanna mess it up again by not opening up."

"I get it. Just me being overprotective i guess."

"No it's you being a good friend. And I couldn't ask for a better one right now."

Lanie smiled at her. "So are you going to talk to him today?"

"Yeah but only for a while. I don't wanna disturb him while he's writing."

"Oh yes. He told me he needs to finish my when? Saturday?"

"Yeah. I don't know what he's writing because Nikki Heat is gone. But in sure it'll be good. They all are."

"Wow!" Lanie exclaimed. "You've got it bad."

"What?" Kate asked oblivious to her huge smile that hasn't left her lips.

"Your smiling like an idiot! Jeez in haven't seen it this long before."

"I can't help it."

"Yeah I'm sure Castle loves to see it too."

"Hopefully."

Lanie suddenly became confused. "What's that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't he love to see it? He only brought you coffee everyday to see you smile."

"It's just that I told him I had to go back to Chicago and he got mad. I think he thinks I'm going to stay. I haven't told him about going to see Gates."

"When are you?"

"I don't know. Soon. I don't want him to get upset because I held out on him. But I should go, I have to book my flight."

"Okay. Good luck Kate. It's time for you to be happy."

"Oh I am!"

* * *

Fire.

That's what his hands feel like after all the typing he's been doing. He's been writing non-stop and although his hands are killing him, it feels good. It's been so long since he's be able to just write, since the words just flew through his fingers faster than the thoughts could even come. Yes that's backwards, but it's Castle's brain so everything works backwards.

He's been writing so much that's he's already a quarter of the way done. Page 105 and he has no intention of slowing down. This feeling is too good to slow down regardless of any pain, hunger, thirst, or sleep deprivation. His fingers are not leaving these keys.

He's in his...zone, if you will, and anybody that knows him knows that. So why on earth is someone texting him? Clearly he doesn't want to speak if he hasn't answered any phone calls.

When the texting persisted he conscripted his hands from the keys and retrieved his phone from his room. When he checked the messages he immediately felt a pang of regret for not checking his phone. It was Kate. His beautiful Kate and because he wasn't answering her now she thinks he's angry with her.

Ugh!

**Hey!**

**Hey I need to tell you something. **

**Are you okay?**

**Are you still mad?**

**Castle I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. You should know that I'm moving back. **

**I'm sorry. If this is it then I understand but I won't let you go that easily :(**

What is he supposed to do? He's not mad and he sure as hell doesn't want to give up. He just got her back that's the last thing he wants. He sent her a quick reply hoping its not too late.

_Hey! I'm not mad just lost in the book right now. And this isn't it. Can't get rid of me that easily ;)_

Her reply was instant.

**You have no idea how happy you just made me :) **

_So your coming back?_

**Yeah. I'm flying out as soon as I can. **

_That's great. Your really in this. _

**Of course :) I have something else to tell you...**

_What?!_

**I'm quitting my job. That way we'll have more time together. **

_U don't have to do that! -_- I know u must love that job. _

**Nope. I'm doing it. I don't love it. I miss my desk and my team and being in the precinct. The FBI sucks :p**

_Lol okay then. When?_

**Secret ;) **

_Meanie_

**You love it**

_Maybe..._

_Ok lol I do. Happy?_

**Yes. Now work on your book. The faster you get done the better. **

_Ok ms. Bossy. xp_

**:)**

The conversation didn't last as long as he hoped but she was right. The faster he gets done the better.

When Alexis came back in the room with a mug of coffee she noticed her father smiling and not writing. Should she be happy or worried? Hmmm...

"What's going on?" She asked curiously.

Castle sat back in his chair and sighed. He didn't know how Alexis would feel about Kate being back on his life.

"I'm happy Alexis."

"Well I'm happy your happy," she exclaimed.

"She told me how she felt. She told me she loved me and that she was gonna fight for me. And it feels good to finally be able to call her mine. We're finally getting together."

"Who dad?" She asked cautiously.

He closed his eyes before replying "Kate sweetheart."

Alexis sighed and nodded her head slowly. "That's good dad. I knew she would come around," Alexis said faking a smile that she hoped he wouldn't pick up on.

Apparently he didn't.

"Yeah? We're taking it slow but it's going to last. We're going to last."

Alexis stood up and gave her father a backwards hug. "Get back to work."

"Okay," he whispered.

* * *

Kate texted Castle immediately after she left the morgue. She texted him repeatedly on the way back to her hotel but stopped when she saw how it looked.

Was she obsessing? No not Kate Beckett. What if he really is mad at her? Has she lost her chance?

No. Only positives. They will be together because she's getting her job back and she's moving back to New York for him. For them.

She's not worried, regardless of her her frantic heartbeat and quivering lip. She's not worried.

She constantly keeps checking her phone to see if he's replied. He hasn't.

When she opens the door to her hotel room she nearly has a heart attack at the sight in front of her. Greg eating out of the mini-fridge. When he saw her walk in his eyes went wide.

She wanted to be angry but she couldn't keep a straight face because of the neck brace and huge bandage in his nose. The skin above the bandage was a dark pink. She didn't mean to do that much damage but it's not as if he didn't deserve it.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to get my stuff. But I don't have any money and I'm hungry. So I was going to eat something real quick and then leave. I swear."

She did drag him to come down here didn't she? So it makes sense for him to not have gotten enough money, especially for the sudden change of events.

"I'm flying back to Chicago soon. I'll pay for your ticket. For now go get some food and a place to stay," she said hanging him $250. It wasn't much but he could make do.

After Greg left Castle texted her back. She responded instantly. She's been waiting so long. She just has to know if he's upset it if he's done. They're both in a fragile state right now and the smallest mistakes could be catastrophic.

So when he said he wasn't mad a weight lifted from her chest. She still had her chance.

When they stopped talking Kate looked up the first flight out to Chicago. Two days. Friday she could fly down and get her things and resign from the FBI.

Two days until nothing was stopping her from being with Castle.

Two days.

She's excited.

And nervous...


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm trying guys. I'm really trying. You have to let me know what think. I love hearing from you.**

* * *

Alexis called her this morning.

Alexis _Castle_ called her this morning.

She wanted to meet up for lunch this afternoon. Of course she said yes, how could she not? But she's scared. She's way past the point of being nervous.

She knows that Alexis is everything to Castle and if she doesn't want them together then her and Castle won't be. It's understandable because she'd be the same way with her father.

She left him hurting and in pain for two years so she understands if Alexis is mad at her. Kate's just hoping that Alexis will give her time to explain.

Explain what?

Since she's not Castle she won't understand her reasoning like he did. Oh shit. What is she going to do?

She could try to keep convincing her that she totally loves her father and would do anything for him. And if she gets Alexis's approval then she knows she can live at peace because not only did she put Castle through hell she put this young girl through it too. She loves Alexis as if she were hers. Even if Castle didn't care about Alexis's approval she does and would do as the girl wished because her approval is everything.

Kate wishes she could talk to Castle about this but she doesn't know whether Alexis would want him to know. So she settles for keeping it to herself a little while longer.

Kate arrives at the restaurant first and the waiter gives her a table outside. The yellow umbrella does nothing to shield the sun from her eyes and she had to put her sunglasses back on. She doesn't mind much because its a beautiful day and the sun is warming her skin.

As she's waiting for Alexis (she decided to show up 20 minutes early) she texted Castle.

**Hey**

_Hey :)_

**Still writing?**

_Yeah you?_

**About to eat lunch. **

_Save me some. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. _

**Maybe cuz ur glued to ur computer **

_I think that could be why _

**Duh! Lol**

_Don't laugh at me or I won't send you the first chapter :p_

**Ok I'm sorry!**

_Nope too late ^_^_

**I'm sorry Castle. **

_Ok I'll send them_

**Yay! :)**

_Or u can read it when it's out :p g2g bye!_

He thinks he's so funny. Well two can most definitely play that game. So she send deliberately sends him this:

**No I can't tell Castle he'll freak out. And plus I didn't tell him cuz I want it to be a surprise. **

She waited five minutes before he replied.

_Nice try :p_

Damn. She thought she could get him with it. It's not until someone sits down across from her that she realizes that she's smiling like an idiot again.

She looks up at Alexis and sees a blank expression on her face. How should she take that? Should she read into it?

"Hi Alexis."

"Hello Kate."

It was awkward silence for the next ten minutes. Neither of them knew how to voice their thoughts. Kate saw it best not to push the girl and to let her work it out before speaking.

"Were you going to reach out to me? At some point?"

Kate stammered a bit before forming a coherent response. "I was. After cast- your father and I decided to together completely. We're not exclusive right now."

"I understand. I asked you to meet me today because I wanted to tell you how I felt about it."

"Okay."

"I was mad at you. No actually I was pissed at you for leaving. You were the only thing that made my dad happy. I'm at school so I don't get to see him much. But when you left his world turned upside down. And I hated you Kate!" She paused to regain her composure. "My dad he needed you and you punished him for loving you. I hated that nothing or no one could make him happy but you. And you never once came back, never even tried to contact him."

"Alexis I'm so sorry."

"NO. Not only did you leave him in his desperate time of need but you left me!"

Kate's heart broke for Alexis when she saw two tears stream down her cheeks. She never thought about how her absence would affect Alexis. She didn't know she was such an influence on her.

"You're the closet thing I had to a mother and so many times I needed you. You left me with a father who got drunk every night just to sleep. I had to clean his throw up just so he wouldn't choke or even know that he threw up. I needed you Kate and you weren't there."

"Alexis baby I'm so so sorry. I had no idea. Forgive me please."

Alexis took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and shook her head. "It's okay I got over it after the first year. I wanted to tell you that I'm happy for you and my dad. You guys deserve to be happy and the only way that's possible is to be together."

Kate didn't know what to say. She didn't feel like she deserved Alexis's blessing. But she didn't want to turn it down. "Thank you," she said jumping up from her seat and hugging Alexis. "I'm so sorry Lex. Please know that. I never intended to hurt you."

"I know I'm okay Kate. Really. I'm just happy you're back."

"You can still come to me me. About anything no matter if its day or night. Okay? I still want to be there for you."

"Thank you. It means a lot."

Kate smiled. "Let me buy you lunch."

"That would be lovely, thank you."


	16. Chapter 16

Kate and Alexis stayed at the restaurant for a few more hours just enjoying each others company. When the conversation turned serious again.

"There is something I would like to talk about Kate."

"Yeah of course," she said wiping her mouth with a napkin. "What's up?"

Alexis sighed and played with her hands. It was a distraction, something Kate was all too familiar with.

"I've been dating this guy Max for a while."

"Yeah okay."

"And our relationship has gotten really serious. I mean we talk about marriage and kids and moving in together."

"Okay so what's the problem? You feel like your moving too fast?"

"No it's not that. He's been," Alexis paused to try and find the right words. "Pressuring me lately."

Kate made a silent "oh" and leaned back in her chair. "How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know. I mean I've thought about it but then whenever we're together I get scared that something will happen. I don't think I'm ready but I don't want him to break up with me for it."

"Okay Alexis listen. If this guy claims to care about you e wouldn't be pressuring you. Yeah he can bring it up but once you say you're not ready that should be the end of it. Also it's okay to be scared. I was scared my first time."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was 22 and still grieving from my moms death and my dad was still a drunk. I went to this party and this guy was really sweet and nice to me. I didn't want to go but my roommate dragged me out. Anyway we get to talking we get to dancing and then he starts touching me sexually. I knew what was going on but I thought if I didn't act on it he would stop. I was wrong. He took me to one of the rooms an just started kissing me. On the outside I was calm but inside I was a I could tell he had a lot of experience."

"So what happened?" Alexis asked.

"He started whispering things about how beautiful I was and how he was instantly attracted to me when he saw me. He said I felt good pressed against him. Then he just laid me down. I didn't fight him either. I was curious about sex because all my fiends were having it. I just wanted to get it over with. But when he started undressing me i began hyperventilating and my palms were sweaty. He told me to calm down and that he would take good care of me. But i got even worse once we got started because I didn't like it. After he was done with me he kissed me on my forehead and said "goodbye beautiful." I never saw him again."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just saying its okay to be scared. I think most girls are. Are you afraid that Max will leave you afterwards?"

"Kinda."

"Than don't do it. Your first time needs to be with someone you love that loves you back and someone you trust. If your having doubts about him then don't do it. Talk to him. I mean have a serious conversation. If he shrugs you off or still says something, like let me prove to you how much I love you, then you don't do it okay?"

"Okay. Thanks Kate."

"Always," she said smiling.

* * *

Kate drove Alexis home after lunch but decided to stay and check up on Castle. She hasn't seen him since he stopped by the hotel.

They walked in together and Alexis shouted "dad" to get him to come out of his office. He emerged a minute later and when he saw Kate a smile instantly appeared.

"Hey my beautiful girls." He bent down and kissed Alexis on her head and the kissed Kate on her lips. She was so surprised that he did it that she had to take a step back to see if it was really happening.

Castle's face immediately became concerned. Did she really just pull away? "I just wasn't expecting it. I didn't know we were at that stage yet."

"Stage?"

"You know the kiss hello and goodbye stage. Or just kissing on a regular basis stage."

"There are stages for kissing?" He mused. "Do you not want to kiss? Or are you not ready?"

"OH NO! That's not it I thought you weren't ready. I can kiss you all day," she said leaning in and kissing him again. "See?"

"Mhmm."

"You guys?" Alexis said. "I'm still here."

Both of their faces went flush. They both forgot about the girl standing there.

"Sorry Alexis," Castle said. "What were you guys up to?"

"Lunch."

"You guys went to lunch?" He asked getting paranoid. "Why?"

"It wasn't about you Castle so don't worry." She handed him a container of food.

"What's this?"

"Turkey sandwich and fries."

"Oh great thanks."

"I have to go I've got class in a few minutes." Alexis said bye to her dad and Kate leaving the two adults alone.

"So how's the book?"

"It's coming along. I'm a little behind schedule because I couldn't think of where to go for chapter 24 but I should be okay."

"What's it about?"

"You'll have to wait and seeeeeee."

"Or you could just tell me now."

"Nope. Books off limits until its finished." He sat down at his desk with a smirk.

"You can't be selfish Castle," she said coming around his desk and wrapping her arms around his neck.

He quickly closed the screen of his laptop. "I'm serious Kate. You gotta wait."

"Ugh fine," she said kissing him on the cheek and walking out.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm a distraction Castle. I want you to finish the book."

"Can I have a kiss?" He pouted.

How can she resist that face? Kate walked over kissed him quickly on the lips. Before she could get away though Castle grabbed her by her waist and pulled her down into his lap.

"I don't want you to go."

"I have to see I'm already stopping you from writing."

"I don't care," he whined.

"I have a surprise for you."

"Really what?" He asked, his eyes popping out of their sockets.

"You don't get it until you finish the book."

"That's so mean."

"Maybe you should've told me what it's about." She stood up from his grasp and walked to the other side of his office by the door. "Bye Castle."

Castle quickly ran to catch up with her. When he caught her by the front door he kissed her so hard that she fell against it. She immediately responded, kissing him back.

It's still hard to believe that she gets to do this. She just hopes that one day he'll be able to actually forgive her. But she doesn't think that she'll ever be able to forgive herself.

Castle was turning her on, and she wanted him. But as soon as she was going to take it somewhere he stopped and moved away from her.

"Better go work on that book," he said smirking while walking away.

He's totally going to pay for that.

**Next chapter the rating will be changing to M. Thought I'd give you a heads up. I'll try to get it up today but I have homework and school is tomorrow. I'm really trying to get as much up as I can before May. Please guys let me know that you're still with me.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you to the people who reviewed and said you're still with me. It makes me feel like this story is still important. **

**This will be the last chapter for today because I need to get homework done. After that updates most likely won't be as frequent. **

**Please stay with me...**

* * *

When Kate got home she instantly showered because she was feeling a bit grimy. It's been a long day and now she just wants to relax.

So she settles in bed with the new Patterson and a glass of wine. As she's reading she can't help but let her mind wander to Castle. He's on her mind all the time. Before she couldn't stop thinking about how much she hurt him but now she's thinking about them and their future together.

How did she get so lucky? She was able to convince him, Richard Castle, her friend, her partner, that she loves him and that she never intended to hurt him. He took her back. He took her back after two years of agonizing silence.

Alexis was right. Never once did she try to contact him. Of course she wanted to but she never did. It was because she was a coward. But now at least she had the guts to tell him how she felt. Yeah she still has the urge to run and not come back but she won't do it. She likes how she feels right now, she likes being happy. And she knows she won't ever be happy without him. Those two years of agony prove that.

Kate closed her book and sat up against her bed. She hadn't eaten since lunch but she wasn't hungry and with Castle weighing heavily on her mind she wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything. So she grabbed her phone from the table beside her bed.

**Hey**

_Heyyy_

**Whatcha doing?**

_Writing like a good boy_

**Oh that's good**

She feels like a teenage girl right now. She gets overly excited every time her phone vibrates with his next text message. But she doesn't care because she loves him.

_It would be better if you were here :(_

**You know I would come but I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. **

_What are you doing?_

**I'm going to the precinct to re-take the homicide test. I have to see if I still qualify. **

_Oh that's great! I know you'll pass _

**Thanks. But there's something else. **

_What? Should I be worried?_

Kate considered telling Castle that her flight back to Chicago was tomorrow but decided against it. Castle's smart so he'd figure out that she's most likely going to be flying back with Greg. The last thing she needs, they need, is another conflict.

**Not going to tell you and no don't worry. **

:_p_

**Sorry it's a surprise **

_All these surprises. When am I going to get them?!_

**When u finish the book**

_I would if u were here. Need my muse_

**Sorry Castle ;) **

He didn't reply after that. Kate just smiled to herself and stretched. When she brought her arms back down one landed on her lower stomach and the other on her left boob. The contact brought her...her to life. And then all she could think about was Castle.

_No don't think about him yet or you won't last very long. _

Kate shot up in her bed and flung the covers off. She ran to the bathroom to get some of her favorite scented candles and a lighter. After lighting the candles and setting them around the room Kate changed into something a bit more...salacious.

She cut off her lamp and slid back into the sheets on the bed. She closed her eyes laid flat against the mattress.

Leisurely she slid her hands up her body purposely not touching any sensitive areas.

She took a deep breath and slowly let her fingers trail up her shirt. The tips of her fingers moving in circles up her stomach over her abs to her chest.

She moved her fingers to feel the skin under her breast and around to the swell above her nipples.

With her eyes closed she imagined Castle there with her. She saw him kissing her and laying her down on the bed. He climbed over her and spread her legs apart while whispering into her ear.

_"God your so beautiful Kate. I love you."_

Kate bit her lip and let one hand trail back down her body and began rubbing her thighs.

_"Kate I want you. I want you Kate. Do you want me?"_

"Yes," she admitted out loud. She feels like an idiot. Castle's not even here.

Finally Kate let her hand grip her nipple causing her body to jerk upwards.

She began teasing herself by playing with the elastic band of her underwear, not letting her fingers brush against we skin.

"_Oh Kate. I've never wanted someone so badly before. Do you want me?"_

"Yes."

_"Say it."_

"I want you Castle."

_"Tell me you need me."_

"I need you!" She yelled when she clamped down her nipple again.

Kate tugged her underwear down and lifted her legs. She imagined that Castle spread them apart and was breathing her in.

"_You smell good. So sweet."_

"Castle," she whined.

_"You want me?"_

"Yes! Now!"

Slowly she slipped one hand inside of her folds and began to gently rub her clit. In slow circles.

Then she spread her legs wider and increased the pressure on herself. Her breathing was getting heavier and she couldn't help the moan that escaped from her mouth.

"Oh."

_"Yes Kate yes. You feel so good. It feels so good to be inside you. Come for me. Come for me Katie. Please."_

"Yes Castle yes Castle yes yes!" She shouted rubbing her clit ferociously.

When she felt herself coming she pushed two fingers inside herself and pumped as hard as she could. Her free hand began banging on the bed and gripping the sheets as the organism was taking over her.

Kate could feel her walls clenching around her finger and so she pushed a second in her self making her come again.

She couldn't control herself now when he hips started grinding down on her fingers, forcing the back of her hand to rub against her clit.

_"You coming again baby? Fuck! Yes! Kate don't stop. Don't stop."_

And she didn't, she kept pumping faster and faster, grinding her clit harder until the third wave of pleasure took over her.

_"Thank you baby."_

When Kate's heart rate slowed down she opened her eyes and laughed at herself. She really thought Castle was hear making love to her.

Kate has never came three times by herself before. It was so good that she couldn't bring herself to stop. It was so masterful and relentless.

She'll never be able to look Castle in the face without blushing.

She blew her candles out and went to bed. Time seemed to have flown.

**Am I good at M or should i never try again?**


	18. Chapter 18

**Just a little something today :)**

Why on earth did she get put next to this man? What did she do to deserve this punishment? It must be a punishment from a past life because this is awful. This is wrong in so many ways and if she has to sit here a second longer she just might lose it.

She's sitting on a plane for her flight back to Chicago and she's stuck sitting next to a guy (let's just say he smells a bit funny) and she swears if she doesn't move soon her nose is going to start bleeding.

She's been holding her breath for as long as she could but she can't hold it for a hour and a half plane ride. Kate scans all the seats and finds an empty row with no one occupying the entire thing.

One of the flight attendants gave her permission to change her seat once the plane took off.

As Kate settled into her new seat she closed her eyes and tried to imagine what the next few weeks would be like. Her and Castle have been acting as if everything is fine but once he finishes his book there's nothing left but to work through the rest of their problems.

It won't be easy but she's willing to fight through it. No matter how long it takes she's going to stay with him because she's gotten a taste if what it feels like to be with him and she's doesn't want to let it go. It feels to good.

While deep in thought Kate didn't realize the person who sat next to her until he tapped her leg. When she opened her eyes at the touch she was surprised but quickly became annoyed.

"What do you want?" She asked Greg.

"Kate I wanted to apologize for my awful behavior back in that hotel room," he softly spoke. "I was drinking and mad and just a stupid asshole. I know that's still not an excuse and I don't expect you to forgive me because what I did was disgusting and horrific. But I want you to know that I am so so so so sorry Kate."

Kate just nodded once and looked away. She didn't want to speak with him at all. She understands and appreciates his apology but something like that? She doesn't think she'll be able to forgive him. And even if she does, she'll never forget.

* * *

When Kate landed back in New York she headed straight to her storage locker downtown so she could easily make her way over to the precinct to take her test.

When she arrived Ryan and Esposito were waiting for her.

"Hey Beckett," Ryan greeted. "Nervous?"

"No not at all. I was the best here and I still will be."

"You were the best huh?"

Kate cleared her throat. "With the help of my team of course."

"Too late dude. You ruined it," Esposito said.

She chuckled lightly. "Shut up. Where's gates?"

"Waiting for you upstairs. Good luck. Hope you get to come back we missed you."

"I'll try."

Okay she's shaking on the inside but she knows she's got this. Being in homicide is the best thing that's ever happened to her. It's where she's meant to be. So what that she took a four month break? Requalifying is no big deal. She's got this.

She's got this.

**Happy Castle Day!**


	19. Chapter 19

**This took longer than anticipated and it's not even as long as I had hoped. I found time to write but now I'm sick. And I get very lazy when that happen But so if you could leave a review, it could make me feel better. **

* * *

He's on fire. His heart is thumping loud in his chest, he can feel his lungs about to give inside of him but he doesn't care. It feels good.

He's finally, finally on the last chapter but that's not even the good part, no. The good part is that he's only got a few more lines, and then, yes!

He's done. Just like that.

He needs to check again just to make sure his mind isn't playing tricks on him because that would be...no words to describe that pain. He would cry, he would break down and cry no doubt about it.

But it isn't and his words are really there. 394 pages of pure him! And he couldn't be happier.

He wants to celebrate this. He's never finished a book so quickly with just the help of coffee. (Not to mention his inspiration is back)

People always use to tell him that he was no Shakespeare, that his books aren't all that. And over time he started to believe them, writing turned into an actual job he had to do. Then he started working with the police and witnessing things first hand. He got to _see_ life.

Then he got his heart broken. By the woman of his dreams and he got to _feel_ real life.

It's a type of book he's never written before. He's always written mysteries associated with murder or some type of crime but now he's gone a whole 'nother way. He's actually written about _life_, real love and how it's not what the movies portray it to be, he's written about reality. About _real_ real-life tragedies and what they do to people, what losing someone who you thought was your soulmate could do to you.

That's what makes him proud of himself, it's still a work of fiction, but everything else is real. The emotions, the events, the plot, even the damn characters. It's all real and he's hoping that maybe, just maybe people will love him for his talent instead of his playboy image.

Maybe they will finally hear his voice and listen to what he has to say.

Castle'a brought out of his thoughts when he hears someone walk into the loft.

Soon Alexis struts into the office wearing a big smile. "Hey dad," she greets a little too happy.

"Hey pumpkin. What are you doing here don't you have class?"

"Yup. But I'm already set for that class. Wanted to check on you."

"I'm good. You know same old same old," Castle said trying to hide his smile. "Except that I finished the book."

"OH! Dad that's great! I'm so happy for you. Make sure you email it ASAP."

"Oh I will. Gina's been up my ass all week."

"Ugh dad really?"

"Hey you're a grown woman now I can say what I want."

Alexis just rolled her eyes. "Who's the dedication to?"

Castle's face expression immediately dropped. He hasn't even thought about a dedication.

But now that he thinks about it...yeah he knows what he's going to say, what his heart is saying.

"No but I got it." He quickly turned to his laptop and wrote down the words that swiftly came to him.

"Good luck."

"Thanks but don't need it cause I got it." He smiled. He likes this one and he hopes the person he dedicated it will as well.

"Alright see you. I'm meeting Max."

Once alexis left he picked up his phone and died a familiar number.

"Hey."

* * *

Everything's almost done. She's taken her re-qualification test with Gates and she should get her scores by the end of the week. She's spoken with her dad about her surprise for Castle and he's actually on board with it. Kate thought he'd be a little harder to convince but he gave right in. Probably because he knows this trip will be good for her, mentally and emotionally.

She's resigned from her job with the FBI, even though they didn't like her quitting to go back to her old job. But she didn't care. It's not the same as working with the boys and getting to be the shot caller. In homicide she's in the drivers seat with her partner right next to her and there she gets to see everything first hand but in the FBI she isn't. She's errand girl. Not taken seriously.

No more.

All she has to do now is tell Castle. She's packing some of her things right now at her storage unit. She doesn't know exactly how much to bring because she doesn't know how long she's planning to be there. And she doesn't want to just assume that because she has three weeks of nothing to do that Castle's going to want to stay there with her for that long. She doesn't want to over do it or under do it.

So she's taking her time, sorting through all her belongings to find the most important items.

Hopefully he won't be upset and he'll see that she's doing this for them. Kate and Rick have been acting happy as if everything is fine but they still have problems to work through, trust issues to overcome.

Yes they may be in love but if they can't fully forgive each other or themselves they'll crash and burn.

Hopefully he'll like the surprise.

* * *

She told him not to come after he tricked her into telling him where she was.

He didn't listen. He's finished the book and Alexis is away at school with her boyfriend. He has no more responsibilities so he wants to see his girl.

It's been a week since they've really seen each other, hell you could still count the two year absence. He wants to see her and spend time with her so no he's going to go see her anyway. She shouldn't expect any less from him.

When he arrived at the storage facility he had to walk around for at least a half hour looking for her unit. It never occurred to him to check the units outside units. Why she even has one out here is beyond him.

When he was walking down the aisles outside he found Kate standing in hers so quickly because he heard her singing.

She was going through one of her boxes while she had her earphones in. She was dressed in dark skinny jeans and loose white shirt. Surprisingly she was wearing flats instead of her heels. Probably because of all the heavy lifting, he mused.

Castle leaned against the opening of the unit and watched her as she opened boxes and took out the things she needed while she quietly sang the lyrics to whatever song she listening to.

"I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make a heart feel something that it wont. And here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart, and I will feel that power. But you won't. Noooo you won't. Cause I can't make you love me when you don't."

Her voice was beautiful even though she was singing quietly to herself. Castle didn't recognize the song but he could tell it was an emotional one based off the lyrics.

When she started singing again he assumed it was a different song playing.

"I've made up my mind. Don't need to think it over if I'm wrong I am right. Don't need to look no further this ain't lust I know this is love."

Castle could tell she was really getting into this one. And he was recognizing the lyrics to this song. It's one of Adele's most famous songs.

"But, if I tell the world I'll never say enough 'cause it was not said to you And that's exactly what I need to do If I end up with you."

Kate closed her eyes and began swaying as she held one of her boxes in her hand. "Should I give up, or should I just keep chasin' pavements? Even if it leads nowhere or would it be a waste? Even if I knew my place. Should I leave it there

should I give up, or should I just keep chasin' pavements? Even if it leads nowhere."

When Kate sat the box down on one of the couches sitting inside the unit is when Castle decided to walk in. He thought he'd be able to sneak up on her but his shadow obviously gave him away.

She jumped when she saw the shadow come up from behind her. Then she got embarrassed by who it was because she knows he heard her singing.

Castle's upset with himself because he's caught her at such a vulnerable state. She was singing songs that clearly meant something to her and he's smirking like an idiot.

"How long have you been standing there?"

He wants to lie, he should ie because telling her the truth just make her cheeks more red than they are now. But he can't. "About twelve minutes."

"Oh." She looked down at her shoes to avoid eye contact and stayed quiet.

"You sounded beautiful. What was the one before that one?"

She cleared her throat and said "Adele. They were both adele."

"They sounded like they really meant something to you."

"They do."

Based on the lyrics Castle assumed that she was having conflicting feelings towards them. Either she doesn't believe in him or herself. But she knows that she's determined to make this work but isn't sure how he feels entirely.

He'll have to show her that he's in this just as deep as she is. But he's not sure how.

Castle walked in slowly and stopped directly in front of her. He brought his hands up to her face and took out her ear phones. He followed them down to where her phone was in her pocket as tossed it on the couch.

"Hi," he whispered running his hands down her arms until he found her hands.

"Hi," she whispered back. Castle laid his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

They never really got any time alone together after their resolution and Kate's confession.

They stood there in the middle of the storage unit, standing directly in the ray of sunlight, silently breathing each other in.

"I have a surprise for you," Kate said.

"I can finally have it now?"

"Yeah," she laughed. "My dad said we could have the cabin for a few weeks, just the two of us."

"Really? You know we could've just stayed at my place in the hampton's."

"Even though I've never been I'm pretty sure the cabin is smaller."

"We can stay in one part of the house."

"Castle," she said getting rather annoyed with him making up reasons to go to his place. "Please just let me do this."

He could tell that she was clearly nervous to ask him about it. "Of course we'll go Kate. I'm happy you even want to."

"Really?" She asked shyly.

"Yeah."

Castle tugged on her waist to bring her body closer and laid his forehead against hers again. When she closed her eyes he leaned in and have her a gentle kiss. Nothing much but everything to them. He's trying just as hard as she is.

"Well you need to go home, pack a bag because we leave today," she said smiling.

Castle just smiled and nodded.

Someone walked past her unit making Castle turn his head towards the couch. His eyes settled on the open box that was filled with books. But what really caught his attention was the number of books he saw with his name on them.

"So it's true then," he said walking over to the box. He picked up one of his books and showed it to her.

"Yeah it's true."

He's not going to gloat though. They don't need it but somewhere down the road he'll get to use this.

"Are you finished packing?"

"Just about. I'll come by the loft when I'm done."

"Great," he said stealing one more quick kiss before leaving.


	20. Chapter 20

**Anybody else upset with Watershed?**

* * *

It's quiet in the car as they're driving down the old road in Castle's car. He insisted on them taking his car but she didn't mind it really, she's just glad to be here with him. They've been through so much so now it's their time to actually be with each other, be alone with one another.

Not only can this help them heal it'll test their feelings for one another. Can they really do it?

The top to the car is down allowing her to be able to smell the pine trees and grass they're driving down the nearly empty road. The sun is shining down brightly on the two of them. Her long hair is blowing fiercely in the 55 mile an hour wind and it's smacking Castle on the side of his arm. She looks at him and smiles because she can tell that he likes it. It's been two years and her hair has gotten much longer. Before they bumped into each other she was thinking about cutting it but she couldn't now. Not after seeing the way that Castle loves it.

They both are wearing their sunglasses and she can't help but let her joy bubble over into happiness. Yes, they still have a lot to talk about and, yes, they still have issues that need to be worked through, but this just being here with him, is enough.

Kate turns her her head to look out at all the trees and houses passing them by. It's beautiful out here, she's always loved it. It's hard to believe they are still in New York. It's just this part, that smells like fresh cuts grass and the air is so much cleaner so much sweeter that it makes it feel as if she's on another planet.

They're almost to her dads cabin, just a few more miles. She can't wait to be here with him for these next few weeks. She plans on making them worth his while. It'll be good for both of them. This is her chance to really prove to him that's she's in this, that she's ready. Hell, she's ready to scream it from the rooftops. She just has to show it, prove it, and do it.

When they're about ten minutes away she threads her fingers through his, squeezes gently, and points to the left. This is the end of the road but the cabin is another ten minutes away by foot. Once the car is parked and secure and the each have their bags she escorted him to the path that leads into the forest.

The walk in silence except for the deep breath they each take at some point. She's watching him take in the scenery around them. He can hear crickets chirping, birds singing, and the trees blowing in the wind. It's beautiful here and he thinks he just might get addicted and never would want to leave.

Once they reach the cabin she can hear Castle gasp. The cabin is perfect for them. She wasn't kidding when she said it was smaller than his beach house. It's small and the most adorable thing he's ever seen.

Yeah he's hooked.

"Kate this place is amazing," Castle exclaimed.

"I know." She's happy he likes it but she already knew he would.

Kate unlocked the door and walked Castle inside. "You can just sit your bags down anywhere."

She hated making him sound as if he were only a guest. He's welcome anytime because to her he's family.

The inside was a little bigger than it looked on the outside but not by much. The cabin was still a small intimate place for them to escape to. The perfect place for them to work on their relationship and to get back to themselves again. Castle's realized that he's nothing without Kate Beckett. He needs her in his life some type of way or he won't be able to function. He's already proven that he could never move on and that he can't write decent enough books.

In the entire cabin the only lights there are, are in the bathroom and the kitchen. Everywhere else has either a small fire place or large candles. Oh yeah, he definitely could get used to this.

"Um," she paused to clear her throat, obviously she's nervous. "There are two bedrooms. One on each end of the house."

"You came here when you were a kid?"

"Yeah yeah. But my dad hasn't been here since mom died so I changed some things."

Memories of the last time Kate had been to the cabin were coming back and she found herself searching for something. When she found it she absentmindedly began to rub the back of her head. Castle noticed the sudden change in her behavior and followed her eyes to where she was staring.

"What is that?" He turned to face her. "What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Kate?"

She sighed and took a step closer to him. "After I was shot and was released from the hospital I came here when I was on disability. One night I had a PTSD episode." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I was panicking. I I'm could feel the bullet graze through my chest and the force of it knocked me down and I ended up hitting my head on the wall. That's why the hole is there."

"Oh Kate I'm sorry I didn't know."

"It's okay. It was a long time ago and besides this is about us," she said grabbing hold of his arm to get his full attention. "Not me."

"Yeah I know," he smiled. "This is exactly what we need."

"I know."

"So what do you want to do first?"

"I think we should unpack maybe think about dinner. It's going to be getting dark soon."

"Yeah," he said realizing the time. "We're gonna need fire wood."

"There's an ax out back. I don't know if my dad has any precut."

"Don't worry about it. I'm got it. You go unpack and change into something comfortable I'll handle our light problem."

They both chuckled. "I've been telling him for as long as I can remember to get some lamps but he won't listen."

"I actually like the idea of only having fire as your light. It's calm and romantic."

"Yeah I guess."

"You know you love it too."

Kate blushed and looked away from him. "Dinner in an hour Castle." She pushed him towards the back door. "Go chop some wood."


	21. Chapter 21

**Wow! I haven't even realized how popular this story has gotten. Thank you all so much. For all the follows favorites and reviews :) Seriously it makes me so happy to hear from you. My readers opinions mean everything to me and thank you for sharing so many with me over the course of this story.**

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**I love and appreciate every single one :)**

* * *

Castle came back from getting some fire wood while Kate was in the kitchen trying to decide what to fix. He wanted to help cook but he's sweaty and needs to grab a shower first.

Once he's out of the room Castle's nervousness shown through. He's never been alone this long with Kate Beckett before and he can feel the pressure rising within him. She's nervous too, he can tell, and that doesn't make it any easier to be here. He's flattered that she wanted to do this, it's perfect for them, but he's scared. What if one of them says or does the wrong thing? What if they can't work it out? What if he loses her again? What of he can't fully forgive her? Or himself?

They've been through so much, hell and back and what if it was all for nothing? He's going to try and make it work, of course, but he just hopes that they'll come out of this strong and together.

When he got out of the shower Castle realized that he left his bag out in the living room with Kate. And he can't find the towels...

He, reluctantly, put on his old dirty boxers to go get his suitcase. He could hear her moving around in the kitchen so he decided to run out when she wasn't looking.

When Kate had her back to him when she was at the sink is when Castle decided to sneak out. He tiptoed quickly to get his things but he wasn't looking at where he was stepping. He ended up stepping on a loose nail and shouting out in pain.

"Are you ok-" Kate paused when she turned around at the sight of the scream. Her breath caught in her throat and the pan she was holding slipped through her fingers, hitting the floor with a loud bang!

She's never seen Castle so..._exposed_ before.

"Oh sorry. There were no towels and I didn't grab my suitcase. Ugh jeez my foots bleeding."

"Oh uh-sit- sit down."

Castle still had water glistening on his chest, slowly working its way down his muscular arms, dripping slowly on the hardwood floor. And what really caught her attention was the big pee hole in his boxers giving her a perfect view of him, _all_ of him.

"Castle!" She turned away. "Cover yourself."

"What?" He looked down at himself and saw that his unit was making an appearance tonight. "Oh shit! I'm sorry. Sorry!"

"Uh it's fine Castle really. Just put it away before you hurt that too."

Castle fixed himself and sat down on the foot rest in front of the light green love seat in the living room. He kept his bleeding foot off the ground while Kate grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom.

When she came back Castle was leaning forward on his thighs. Probably to help fully cover himself, she thought._ Too big to fit all the way in. _

"Let me see," she said kneeling down in front of his foot. Once down it started getting harder to hide her blush. She just hoped Castle wouldn't notice but if he did he didn't let on. "You could've just asked me to hand it to you. You know that right?"

"I didn't want to disturb you. You looked hard at work."

"Riiiiigght."

Castle just smiled to himself and looked down. He honestly didn't want to bother her, or get seen naked. So trying to sneak and get his suitcase was the only choice.

"Oh my goodness Castle. This is just a scratch, and it's barely even any blood."

"Really?" Castle exclaimed disbelievingly.

"Yeah. Here's a bandage big guy," she teased.

"It doesn't hurt like its just a scratch." Castle crossed his arms and pouted, puckering his lips extra large.

"You're fine Castle."

You know Castle and his deranged imagination couldn't help but take what she said a different way, other than what she intended.

"I'm fine?"

"Yes you're fine."

"How fine?"

"Really fine. It's just a scratch."

When Castle couldn't contain his laughter is when Kate finally caught on to what Castle was doing. "Oh you think that's funny?"

"No I'm sorry that was wrong," he said still laughing. Kate scoffed and stood to walk away but Castle took hold of her arm so she wouldn't. "Hey you can't deny it. You did say you loved my ass."

"Whatever," she said blushing.

"Mhmm. But I am sorry."

"It's okay Castle. Just go get dressed. I'm tired of the unannounced visits from your little friend there."

"Oh!" Castle moved when he was laughing and ended up uncovering himself again. "Kate I'm sorry. I swear I'm not doing this on purpose."

She didn't have to turn around to know that he was serious, she could hear it in his voice. "I know. Just get dressed dinners almost ready." When Castle had gathered himself and his suitcase Kate called out to him again. "And for future reference. Towels are in the closet next to the bathroom."

"Gotcha."

* * *

They're sitting down at the kitchen table now trying to find something to talk about. Neither one of them seemed to want to take the leap to talk about _them_ but it was just getting too awkward.

"Kate we probably should talk," Castle said lowly after a few moments of silence.

"I know."

He took a deep breath and looked her straight in the eyes and asked, "how do I know it's real? That you really want this?"

"Because I'm here with you trying to make this work, trying to figure this out. I know it won't be easy but I'm prepared to fight for you everyday."

"How am I supposed to trust you? How do I know that you're really ready for this?"

"I know it'll be hard to trust me again after two years but I'm in this Castle. Nothing will make me change my mind. You'll only know with time that you can trust me but for now I'll just have to show you."

After a minute Castle spoke again. "I know you say you're in this, but it will take more than that to convince me."

"I know."

"Do you have any idea of what you put me through these past two years? All the pain and heartache and guilt? I never reached out to you because I thought you hated me. I thought you didn't want anything to do with me." He paused and took another deep breath, his voice growing louder with each word he speaks. "It was hell Kate! Hell. Every morning I would wake up and think of you, and of all the mornings we spent together. And at night I would dream of you, of us. You with a ring on your finger or with a baby belly. I want those things with you! I missed you so much."

"Rick I'm so sorry. I missed you too. You have no idea."

"I didn't know where you were or what you were doing. I worried about you. I'd imagine you going after The Dragon and getting killed or getting shot while on strike. I hated it! You've put me through hell these past two years. And I wanted to forget so badly. If I couldn't have you then I didn't want to remember you and all the things I felt."

"Well I'm here now. Isn't that what matters? These two years have been hard on me too. I wanted to tell you how I felt for so long, there were so many times when I just wanted to dial your number and call you. But I didn't think you wanted to talk to me."

"You should've called. No matter how long it had been you should've called."

Castle rose up from the table and stood by the counter, one arm resting on it while the other made circles on his forehead.

Kate followed him to the counter and took his hand that was on his head until he opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Castle I've been in love with you this whole time. I know what you were feeling I understand because I felt it too. Getting up every morning and going into a station knowing you weren't going to be there. The hoping you would show up, it killed me too." Tears were streaming down her eyes and she could see them forming in Castle's. "there were so many times that I needed your crazy theories, a hug from you, or even just some coffee. For four years you were my peace, my sanctuary and then one day you were just gone. I lost you that day too Castle. And ever since then I've been paying the cost."

Castle didn't say anything, just stared down at her with his glistening blue eyes. "I love you Castle and I intend on proving to you just how much. There isn't a doubt in my mind I swear to you that I am in this."

He couldn't help it, he kissed her. As bad as he's hurt and he knows this is exactly what they shouldn't be doing, but he needs this. He needs to be reminded of how much he loves this woman, tenacity and all.

They'll work this out.

She kissed him back just as forceful. Because she needs this too, a reminder of what she's fighting for. Two years without seeing him was her undoing. She can't fight him, she can't deny that she wants him. Instead she'll show him exactly how she feels.

She opened her mouth to him, inviting him inside because he is _so _welcome. They both needed this. The passion and teeth and clawing and biting and growls and groping just to see, just to believe.

And they do...

* * *

They didn't have sex. Not even close to it. But after that kiss they both wanted it.

The kitchens been cleaned and Kate's had her shower. They're both tired but neither of them are sure of where they're supposed to sleep.

"I'm not sleeping in your dads room!" Castle kept repeating in his head. It just seemed wrong. He knows that nothing is going to happen between them tonight but him sleeping in Jim's bed, that's wrong on so many levels.

"I changed the mattresses since the last time I was here. I took my parents room and made mine the guest room."

"Oh."

They both looked down at the floor, Kate was playing with her hands. She didn't want to sleep alone. She wanted him next to her but is it too soon? Would he take it the wrong way?

In fact he did think it would be too soon for her to share a bed with him. He thought that maybe since its their first night that she would be a little uncomfortable with him there.

"I'll uh take the..guest bedroom, then." He cleared his throat after he spoke and only looked at her to assess her reaction. She just nodded but never looked up.

Ugh! It shouldn't be this damn hard!

Before Castle could leave Kate started shaking her head no. Him sleeping in another room was not okay with her. Maybe she's selfish, no, she is selfish and she needs him there. It's still amazing her that they've come so far in just a week. She would hate herself if they can't be together at all times while they're here and so if that means sleeping in the same bed so be it. It's not a burden, in fact it's a blessing.

"Stay," she spoke so lowly it was almost imperceptible.

She laid down on the bed and got under the covers then patted the side next to her to make him come. He did.

Once he was settled they laid there awkwardly for a few minutes. Why? Kept repeating in Kate's mind. It's _them_ it shouldn't be awkward.

"Goodnight Castle."

"Night."

Castle slowly leaned over inch by inch to give her a quick but sweet kiss on her lips. "Goodnight," he repeated before they both closed their eyes and fell asleep.


	22. Chapter 22

**4:50am**

She woke up suddenly, lifting her head from the pillow and sitting up. Her breathing was heavy, she was sweating, and her body was definitely reacting to the dream she was having. She checked the time on her phone that was sitting on the table next to the bed. 4:50am.

Great.

The last time she awoke so suddenly was after she was shot and it gave her nightmares. Realistic ones but this was no nightmare. In fact it was the exact opposite.

She's had fantasies about sex with Castle but it was nothing like this. The dream was so realistic and detailed. She knew seeing castle's penis would do things to her.

She swears she felt everything, _everywhere_. Every kiss he pressed to her lips or against her skin, every touch and squeeze of his fingers, every stroke in and out of her. She felt it, and it was unlike anything she's ever felt before. She's never been made love to. Yes mainly because she wouldn't allow it but still. In the dream he knew exactly what she wanted, what she needed. He was gentle but was rough at the right times. He was relentless but with a delicate touch. His kisses so ethereal on her lips, on her neck, down her body.

He whispered his love for her into her ear. He told her how good she felt on him and how he would make love to her endlessly. He treated her body with such care that she melted inside every time he touched her. And, oh goodness, his eyes never wavered from hers. His were planted on hers when she came and stayed there when he came.

And her bodies reaction seriously wasn't helping the situation at all. She's sweaty and out of breath and her heart is pounding so hard in her chest. She stole a look over at Castle and he's sound asleep with his back to her on the bed. Good, at least he didn't see her like this.

It's when she tries to get out of the bed that she realizes just how much the dream affected her. She could barely stand, nevermind walk to the bathroom. And when she finally did get there she could feel the inside of her underwear were soaked to the touch.

"Oh my god," she whispered bringing her fingers up to cover her mouth. Did this really happen? Could this happen? Is it possible?

Well, the dream was very realistic. She thought it was actually happening. But the feeling of Castle in her, pleasuring her had scared her into waking up. Is that what it would really feel like? She's wanted Castle for a long time but never this much, this badly now. She has to know what is feels like to be his, for him to be hers. But they can't...it's too soon.

Kate cleaned herself up and went back to bed but she knew she probably wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.

* * *

**12:58am**

Castle couldn't sleep. They went to bed about two hours ago and sleep just will not come to him.

He's struggling with the guilt that's been eating away at him since they arrived here. He's never told Kate about Smith or how he was involved. If she had known then maybe they could've been together sooner, maybe they wouldn't have the problems they do now. Maybe instead of not seeing each other for two years they would've been together for two years.

She's been going through so much effort to prove that she's in this one hundred percent but he hasn't. He's been putting it all on her when he is to blame too.

He's been lying to her for so long about her mothers case. The one thing that mattered to her, the most important thing in her life. What if telling her about Smith was the lead she needed to find out who was behind having her mother killed? He wouldn't be able to live with himself.

That night he kicked her out. He was so mean to her and for what? She kept saying over and over again how sorry she was and that she did want to be with him. And what did he do? He yelled at her. "Just go Kate. Just go," were the words he said. He kicked her out all because she couldn't say three little words.

She had a legitimate excuse for lying but did he? He wanted to protect her, he wanted her to run out of leads so she wouldn't try to solve the case anymore. He lied because was being selfish and she lied because she was mentally wasn't ready for a relationship after being shot.

_"I was lying on the ground with a bullet in my heart when you said that to me. And in that moment I didn't know what to do. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. Castle after I was shot I wasn't the girl you were in love with. I was-" she turned away. "I was someone in a very dark place."_

_"And?"_

_"And I wanted to find my way back to the girl you knew. Cause I wanted to be with you."_

He's such a dick. How could he think she would heal mentally, emotionally, and physically in a year after being shot, hunted down and scoped out?

She's supposed to be dead. He knows that sentence was a constant thought-reminder- everyday in her life. He's suck a dick.

She clearly wanted to be with him and that night he kept pushing her away. He has to tell her because if not then he doesn't deserve her, not after lying to her for three years.

Yeah, he really has been a dick.

He was so upset with her because never once did she try to contact him. Apparently months after they had split up he called her. Granted, he was drunk but he still made the effort. His fault during the hiatus was never contacting her when he was sober, getting drunk at night, and sleeping with different women. He went back to his old playboy ways after he promised himself he would never do that.

He never once asked about her or how she was doing. Hell, he barely wanted to think about her but she had. She never let herself forget or stop worrying about him. Lanie told him that she was fine but she said that she was always thinking about him, that life wasn't the same.

He has to fix this because its clear he isn't the only one at fault.

**4:45am**

He finally fell asleep


	23. Chapter 23

**The story is coming to an end soon. Just a few more chapters. **

**This is short because I thought the next chapter would do better if it stood alone. **

* * *

Kate was right. She never went back to sleep after her dream. She swears she isn't doing this purposely but her mind keeps wandering back to the dream.

She wants it. She wants him. She wants him the exact way he had her in the dream. Oh goodness, this line of thinking was definitely going to get her into trouble. Kate steals a glance at Castle, who's still fast asleep next to her. She can't help but notice how broad his shoulders look in his tight black night shirt. His back, she can tell, is long and hard and she can see that the muscles stop when the curve of his ass starts.

She wants to touch him but she can't and she knows it but temptation is eating away at her, testing her, challenging her to break the unspoken rules they've made. She reaches over and traces small circles on his arm, slow and gentle. It's enough for now.

When Castle wakes up its almost noon. He's never allowed himself to sleep this long before but it was a nice change for him. His body certainly agreed with him.

When he went to reach for Kate he was met with a cold chill to his hand. Excusing himself, the bed was empty.

After he used the bathroom Castle made his way into the kitchen only to find Kate standing in the kitchen with her music in unpacking grocery bags. He also noticed the vast amount of sweat sliding off her body.

He watched her work her way around the kitchen and living room. She kicked off her shoes and walked around in her socks. Then Kate started unpacking the bags revealing ingredients he believed was for chocolate cake.

"Hey," he said waving at her while walking in. She smiled sweetly at him then took out her earphones.

"Morning."

"It's afternoon," he corrected walking up to her and giving her a quick kiss on the lips.

"Really?" She checked her watch to see if it really was afternoon. Had she been up all this time?

Kate not so subtly took a step away from Castle to get space between them. Her dream was still a recurring event in her mind so being so close to Castle probably wasn't the best idea.

"I got you something," she said walking back over to the bags on the counter. "I was out for a run and I saw this old antiques store. I went in and found this."

"What is it?"

"Well I saw that you didn't bring your laptop so I got this." Kate reached her bag and pulled out an old black typewriter. "It works perfectly and I got you some paper."

Castle smiled brightly as he took the typewriter from Kate. He's used them before but has never owned one. Just the thought of getting to use this here in Kate's old cabin is priceless. He could never repay her, especially since he still hasn't told her the secret.

"Thank you," he whispered. "So much. You didn't have to do this."

"I know I wanted to."

Castle put down the device then took Kate by her arm and bright her in a slow, long kiss. She fought with herself the entire time. She really wanted to touch him, to turn the kiss into something more but she knows she can't do that. She knows they have to take things slow and she's willing to wait.

"I love you," he said when they broke apart.

"I know." She moved away from him and back into the kitchen. "Are you hungry?"

"I have to tell you something." Castle said gathering the courage to speak the words that have been on repeat since they arrived.

"What is it?" She asked putting a gallon of milk in the refrigerator.

"It's about your mothers case."

Kate stood stunned in her tracks. When she turned around Castle's heart broke at the look on her face.

It was betrayal.

**Thank you!**


	24. Chapter 24

She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe this shit! he's been lying to her about the most important thing in her life all this time.

She needed to get out of there, she needed air, she needed space, or just something other than being there. She didn't know exactly how to handle what Castle confessed to her so she ran.

No no no. Calm down, it's not like that.

Yes she ran but she's coming back. She's going for a run to help clear her mind, to tranquilize the anger inside her. She almost exploded, completely lashed out on him, but she had to catch herself. She lied to him too for nearly a year and she's still making up for it, still repaying him, still healing those wounds. So no she didn't yell at him, she left before she could let herself.

She's going back, no need to worry. Before she left she even threw over her shoulder a, "I'll be back," because she knew he would worry. At least he knows right?

What is she going to do? How is she going to handle this? Why did he lie?

Kate felt hot tears begin forming in her eyes, blurring her vision, but she didn't care. So she kept running and running, pumping her feet hard against the ground with every step, never slowing, and going as fast as her body would allow her to go. She wasn't taking in enough air and her sides were on fire, burning more and more with every step, but she never slowed or showed signs of fatigue.

This running was helping her clear her mind and she knew once she stopped she'd be faced with the right decision to make. She had to keep going.

Castle lied to her. For three years he's been lying to her. This lead, this lead could have been what she was looking for all those years ago, what she's been waiting for since. And what hurts the most is that she's done with the case. She's packed it up, shipped it off, and moved on. Ever since Castle broke them off. She knew she would never solve it without him so why try?

When Castle brought it up her initial reaction was how badly she feels she's betrayed her mother, herself, by not getting justice. She thinks her mother would be so disappointed in her for choosing Castle, a guy, over her.

She's betrayed her mother and that's a guilt designed to eat you until there's nothing left of you, eat until there's nothing more to devour. And everyday another piece of her goes. Everyday!

So to have Castle go behind her back and lie after all these years, for all these years just kind of pushed her over the edge.

But she has to wind herself back in because she's on thin ice, she can't be angry at him. She lied to him about hearing his I love you and he still hasn't fully forgiven her for that yet. So no being mad about this won't help her nor their situation.

Kate's been running so long that she doesn't recognize where she is anymore. It's not until she comes across an old gas station that she figures out that she ran about six miles east.

Inside the station she gets a bottle of water but the man in front of her at the check out counter looks like he bought all the candy he could find in the store.

Yeah, she's going to be here for a while.

She lets her eyes wander around until she spots a tv. It's on the weather channel but she doesn't mind she's way too lost in thought than to give the tv a second thought. All she caught onto hearing is something about heavy storms and winds. Nothing they're not use to getting out here because of all the trees.

So she just ignores the tv and focuses on what she's going to say once she gets back to the cabin.

* * *

It's late by the time she gets back, almost seven she believes. She didn't intend on staying out this late but she didn't have a car and the gas station was six miles away.

Once she's inside Castle immediately comes running out of the bedroom too see her.

"Oh my god Kate where have you been?" He asked worriedly.

"I went for a run Castle. I just had to clear my head."

He wanted to keep yelling at her but knew it wouldn't help. He wanted to hug her too because he thought she wouldn't come back or she would come only to get her things to leave. He thought she was running again and he didn't think his heart would have been able to take it.

"I'm so sorry Kate. But you should know that I was just trying to protect you-"

"I know Castle," she said tending to the last of the groceries that haven't been put away from this morning. "I understand why you did it and I forgive you okay? I'm not mad."

"But I-i lied to you."

"And you had a good reason. Castle I get it I'm not mad okay."

"Why?"

"Because I've had time to really think about it and I came to this conclusion. Why should I be mad?"

"Because this is the most important thing in your life and-"

"Wrong!" She yelled. "You are the most important thing in my life Castle. So please stop trying to make me mad. I'm not mad okay?"

Castle walked over to Kate in the kitchen and stood directly in front of her. "But you look upset. Your tone of voice tells me you're upset. So what is it Kate, what is it that you aren't saying?"

"I just told you I forgave you what more do you want!"

"What you're really feeling!"

"Castle we have enough problems as it is we don't need to add me being mad at you to the mix. Can you just focus on forgiving me? I already forgive you."

He didn't respond after what she said, he couldn't bring himself to. His mind was too focused on something she said. It didn't seem right, it didn't add up to make sense unless what she's feeling isn't what she's saying.

"Is that what this is about?" He asked lowly. "You don't feel like you have a right to be mad?"

Kate didn't answer she just looked away from him, turning her entire body so her back was facing him. She was hoping he wouldn't ask that question, that he wouldn't catch on. Tough luck.

When Kate wouldn't meet his eyes Castle took her by the hands and pushed her in the corner where the two counter ends meet, trapping her against them and himself. He held onto her arms so she couldn't fight him.

"You know that's the most absurd thing I've ever heard right?"

"Castle."

"No Kate it is. You have every right to be angry at me. I went behind your back and I kept this from you. Smith may just have been the lead you needed to close the case, to finally get what you wanted. Justice."

"Justice isn't all that I wanted. I wanted my life back Castle. There's a big difference between what we did. You were just trying to protect me and keep me the girl that I was. I was just being selfish."

"What? How was that being selfish! If anything you were being selfless. You wanted to heal and be the _woman_ I fell in love with so we could be together. That's not selfish Kate you were healing."

"You don't get it," she said turning her head away so she didn't have to look at him.

"Why do you feel like you can't be mad?"

"Because I'm on thin ice here Castle. I need you to forgive me and I don't want to mess things up."

"Okay so what if I told you that I cheated. That I slept with someone. Would you still be this way? I doubt it. Kate you obviously don't see how messed up we are. Be mad! I lied to you for three years!"

"Castle I don't want to be mad," she yelled. "Even though we're clearly going through a rough patch I still love you and I just want to move past this. Being mad wont solve anything."

"Neither is acting like it doesn't faze you." Kate sighed loudly. "I love you too. Yes even in the bad times. You can't mess this up by being mad at me for something I did."

"Castle I just want these behind us."

"I'm sorry for keeping this from you for so long. But you can't just put it behind you you'll end up resenting me."

She didn't know if he was right but she does know that she is angry but she doesn't want to be. She loves him too much to let this one thing come between them.

"I am mad Rick. I'm mad that after I've come to terms with never solving her case that you bring this up. I betrayed her Castle and now that I know I have a new lead I could get somewhere in the case, but I can't because I chose you. So yes I'm mad but not entirely at you."

"Oh Kate you didn't betray her," he whispered while using his thumbs to wipe away two tears that fell from her eyes. "You have made her proud and you continue to everyday. Walking away doesn't make you a traitor she would want you to so you could live your life and be happy."

"Why do I feel guilty then?"

"Maybe because you haven't been happy."

"But I have been. Ever since you gave me another chance."

"Have you Kate? Or is it just hope that you're clinging too. Will happiness only come if I say that I forgive you? Because I do Kate. I have for a while now."

More tears found there way down Kate's cheeks and Castle even felt himself tearing up. "We. Are. Gonna. Get. Through. This. Together and stronger than ever."

Kate wrapped her arms around Castle's neck and brought her lips to his. "Thank you."

"Your welcome. And I'm so sorry."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Really?"

For the first time since this morning Kate smiled shyly at him. "Really."

Castle mimicked her smile and kissed her again but this time holding her to him. When they finally broke apart they stared at each other for a moment. Taking each other in.

Her eyes were filled with so much pain and regret, Castle wanted nothing more than to just take it away. He wanted to ease her body, her soul, and her mind.

They both must've been thinking the same thing because at the same moment they both leaned in to capture the others mouth in a searing kiss.

But neither of them stopped there. Their kisses got deeper and deeper as their passion for each other just flooded from their bodies.

Castle worked his way from her lips down her chin to her neck. He could taste the sweat from her run lingering on her body. A perfect mixture of salty and sweet.

Castle slid his hands down her body until he stopped on her upper thighs, just below her butt, and lifted her up. Kate, already knowing what to do, wrapped her legs around his waist to hold herself up while she kissed, and nipped, and licked his ear.

From the corner of the kitchen to the doorway of the living is how they got before Castle had her up against the wall to undress her. It wasn't until her shirt was off that Kate realized what they were doing, or about to do rather.

"Castle," she called sharply.

"Hmm?" He said continuing kissing his way down from neck to her collarbone to her chest.

"We have to stop."

Castle looked up at her and Kate instinctively covered her scar. "You're right," he said letting her down. "I'm sorry."

"I'm just as much to blame as you are."

Kate grabbed her shirt and went to take a shower. After about ten minutes Castle fixed them both a quick dinner because he's certain neither of them have eaten today.

**I don't know about this chapter. Not as good as I wanted it to be but I owed you guys an update. **

**Please review if you can I would love to hear your thoughts :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**I'm so very sorry to have to tell you guys this but due to recent events I have to discontinue this story. I can tell you that something terrible happened but I don't want to get into detail. I'm so sorry again I had high hopes for this story. **

**i won't be able to write for quite some time but I hope I can earn you guys forgiveness. I've got amazing people who love this story and it breaks my heart to have to stop. **

**If you read any of my other three stories I'm sorry but I don't know if I'll be able to do those either. Maybe I'll get lucky and all this will go away but I don't wanna get my hopes up. **

**I'm so sorry again**


	26. Chapter 26

**Hey I'm back!**

**First I wanna say thank you to everybody who wished me well and kept this story on alert. It means the world to me. Also I wanna say thanks for giving me the time to work through everything that I was going through.**

**I'm okay now and can get back to writing. I wanted to finish this because it is an idea that's been bugging me for a while. I think I could've done better but I wasn't sure what you guys would want to see. But either way I hope you enjoy the final chapters of this story.**

**Thanks again guys. You truly are the best!**

_Previously on: Denied the Love_

_Castle found out that Kate lied about remebering the day she got shot. So he started being a jackass to her. So he made up an excuse to shadow her anymore but then he felt bad about lying to her. So he invited her over his place for a movie night. He ended up leaving her alone and that's where she discovered that he lied about quitting Nikki Heat. They got into a very heated argumaent about that when Castle brought up that he knew she lied about rememebering her shooting. Kate explained why she lied and tried to get Castle to forgive her but he kept pushing her away. Evetunally he kicked her out and since that night they havent spoken or seen each other for two years._

_For the first couple months Castle called her late at night while he was drunk but he never remembered doing so. About year later Kate was offered a job with FBI and she's been working there for a couple of months. After two years they bump into each others one night when she was leaving a resturant and he was going inside. Kate was with her boyfriend at the time who also worked for the FBI. After seeing Castle for the first time in two years set something off in Kate and she ended up neglecting her boyfriend._

_Kate babysat for Ryan and Jenny so they could go out. When she and their son went out she came across a book store with a giant picture of Castle on it talking about his book signing. Of course they bump into each other again anf get to talking._

_Castle then comes over to her hotel room and they talk as much of it out as they can. They share their first real kiss. They don't really see each other for a week after that because Castle's coming close to his deadline and if he didn't finsh on time Black Pawn was going to drop him as a client. As he was wringit Kate quit her FBI job and reapplied to the precinct. Captain Gates told her she had to ride out her suspension she had befroe she left. This gave her three weeks with nothing to do._

_When Castle finshed the book Kate took him down to her dads cabin where they currently reside. Kate's been having some really intense sexual encounters while Castle is feeling guilty about keeing the Smith secret from her. Again they hashed it out and when they were about to have sex for the firsr time Kate stopped them because she felt it shouldn't happen when they were both high on their emotions and she was sweaty from her run. She wanted to wait until they calmed down and she's showered._

* * *

Oh goodness. She'll never be able to look Castle in the eye again. She really just did that. Did her. In the shower! In the bed, yes she's done that, but in the shower? While the man youre imagining is in the next room? Oh jeez what is he doing to her?

Now that they're both on good terms and it seems they've gotten they're problems worked out its nothing stopping them from being together. From really being together both emotionally and physically. She had to end it earlier because they were both still so emotional, still so raw and she didn't want their first time to be something out of the heat of the moment. She wants to take her time, savor him in all his fine glory.

But she wants him, badly. It shows by how much she fantasizes about him. Even now while she's in the shower she can't stop thinking about her last dream and how the way held her in it is the way he held her in the kitchen. Tight but loving, gentle but urgent.

And now she's in the shower doing the things that she wants him to do for her, to her. She wants his fingers running through her hair and his mouth on her breast and his arms wrapped around her and him inside her. Although her fingers are doing a pretty good job but it's not him and that's what she wants.

It's almost as arousing as the dream she had. But at least in that she didn't have to touch herself, he was there doing it for her or better yet _to _her.

She's about to climax. She can feel it bubbling up and its taking everything in her not to scream or even moan. Her mind keeps tricking her into thinking that these are Castle's fingers doing these crazy things to her.

"Oh," she moaned. "Yes." she needs to be quiet because the last thing she needs is Castle finding out that she masturbated in the shower. She would never live it down. Kate gripped the top of the glass door when she felt herslef come.

That was good.

* * *

"Hey you wanna eat?" Castle asked when she made her way back into the kitchen after her very arousing shower. She was wearing some simple shorts with an oversized pink shirt. Her hair was still wet so she left it up in a pony tail.

"Yes I'm starving. Haven't really eaten all day." Plus she did go for quite a run today, she thought but didn't say. Probaly be best to keep that to herslef.

"Me either. I was too worried to eat. Um I did however start making some roasted chicken with some asiago polenta and I'm thinking about adding some truffled mushrooms."

"What the- Castle you don't have to fix anything fancy," she said leaning on the counter.

"I want to," he shrugged. "I want to eat a fancy dinner with you without the crowd of people. I'd be the first time for us not undercover or claims of being just friends."

Kate smiled sweetly at him then walked over to kiss him lightly. "Can I help?"

"Yes you can help cut the cheese." He couldn't help it. Castle laughed so hard that his face was almost as red a cherry. "I'm sorry I couldn't help myself."

Kate just shook her head at him. "Do you really want me to cut the cheese?" He laughed again this time earning an eye roll from Kate. "Castle."

"Yes, please, cut the cheese for me Kate."

"You act like such a child sometimes."

"That may be but lets not forget that I am all man Katie."

She smiled knowingly, remembering ever almost encounter they've had, like when she saw his penis. Including her little 'Kate's time' sessions and her dream. Yeah, she knows he's all man and he's all her man.

* * *

After dinner Kate decided to bake the chocolate cake she bought earlier as dessert.

"Castle that chicken was amazing. Thank you."

"No problem. We have to eat why not eat good?"

"So how about some chocolate cake? My moms recipe."

"Sounds great." Castle watched Kate intently as she worked her way around the kitchen to make the batter for the cake. He never thought making cake was difficult but watching as she put odd ingredients in and make complicated moves he was seeing cake making in a whole new light.

"Did you make this a lot with your mom?"

"Yeah when I was younger. As I got older hanging with my mom in the kitchen wasn't really my thing."

"I get it."

"Alright," she said pouring the batter into the pan. "Should be done soon in a couple minutes. Don't stomp!"

"Why would I stomp?" he laughed.

"'Cause you're you. You'll find a way to stomp trust me."

"I won't I promise.

* * *

Later that evening when Kate finshed baking the cake they both sat down on the couch in the living room with a slice and a glass of wine. They werent talking just enjoying each others company in silence. It wasn't awkward but a comfortable silence that allowed them to bask in the other.

They were sitting side by side with one of their legs touching. Castle was leaning back while kate sat upright leaning on the armrest. From behind her Castle took out her pony tail.

"Why'd you do that?" she asked indifferently.

Castle just shrugged with a smile playing on his lips. Kate turned around to resume eating her cake. that's when Castle then put some chocolate from his cake onto her leg.

"Castle!"

"I didn't do it!"

"Really? You can't come up with anything better?"

"You'd have to let me think about it for a minute."

"Get a napkin and clean this up. I'm gonna be sticky now."

"I have a better idea," he said. Castle sat down his plate and wine and lifted Kate's leg up on the couch, strategically turning her around to give her a better view. Slowly Castle lowered his mouth to her upper thigh, licking off the chocolate _thoroughly_.


	27. Chapter 27

The sudden contact made Kate flush. Not only was his mouth doing things to her but his hands that resided on either side of her hips were too. He kept squeezing, increasing pressure which just made her want more. But it was when he groaned that she lost it.

"Castle," she whispered to get his attention. When that didn't work she set down her cake and wine on the coffee table and pulled his head up to meet her eyes. When she leaned in he leaned back.

"I think I got it all," he said smirking.

She wanted to be mad but she wasn't going to feed into this, she wasn't going to let him know that he got to her. If he wants to play then two can definitely play that game. When she readjusted herself on the couch she picked her cake back up. "Thanks," she threw over her shoulder. Castle leaned back on the couch while Kate stayed sitting on the edge.

Another few minutes went by without anyone saying anything and neither was really eating anymore. That's when Kate decided to pick up the rest of her cake and smash it into Castle's face. Of course he knew what was coming and managed to dodge most of it. Most of it landed around his mouth and on his shirt.

"You know you have to clean this up right?" he said settling himself further into the couch. His smile was smug because he's completely satisfied with what he's begun.

_Oh he has no idea what he's just gotten himself into_, she thought.

Again she sat down her cake and wine on the coffee table. She bit back her smile as she lifted her left leg up and around Castle's waist. She pulled herself up with the back of the couch to straddle his lap.

She allowed herself a second of looking into his eyes before eating the cake off his face. Slowly she settled her mouth to his jaw and darted her tongue out to lick off the chocolate cake. She moved her tongue in deliberate sluggish circles, drawing out how long it would take to get it all off. Kate then settled herself farther onto his lap, squeezing his thighs just slightly.

She moved from his jaw up above his top lip, providing her with upper view of his eyes. They were dark, mysterious pools of lust. No longer the deep ocean blue color that she's use to but a darker desired color that makes her insides melt.

Kate continued her ministrations by circling around his mouth down to his neck. She ran her hands up and down his chest, granting herself permission to feel how hard his muscles were and how he trembled when she touched over his nipples. When she reached the bottom of his shirt she pulled it up, coaxing him to raise his arms above his head. Kate made sure she lifted slowly never letting her eyes waver from his. She wanted to see what she was doing to him she wanted to see his eyes when he lost it; that little bit of resolve he's holding onto.

When the shirt was off Kate took a moment to look at him. He's beautiful. She ran one finger tentatively down his chest and stopped at his belly button. "I'll put that in the wash," she whispered sexily. Just for good measure Kate kissed her way down his chest letting her hands follow. Again stopping when she reached his navel. "There," she said. "I think I got all of it." she shifted herself to climb off of him but right as she was standing Castle grabbed her hand and looked her dead in the eye. What she saw there wasn't anger or the obvious result of her teasing but pure desire. He wants her.

Of course she'd never admit this out loud but she's scared. She's already had a preview of what sex with Castle would be like and that had her panting on the bathroom floor. She doesn't know if she could withstand the amount of pleasure he'd give to her.

But at the same time she's dying to know what he feels like. She wants to know what it feels like to make love to man she loves. It's been six God damn years she thinks it's time. Just the thought of having his hands on her body is making her horny.

Kate bit her lip and stared into Castle's eyes for a moment. He's not wavering from her gaze and his hands are still wound tightly around her wrist. Even if she wanted to run she couldn't. Not that she'd be able to leave him here like this anyway.

Before Kate could realize what she was doing or even slow herself down she was diving back into him, smashing her lips into his.

She was back to straddling his lap but this time she allowed herself the chance to really touch him, to feel his skin under her fingers.

She's never kissed someone with such urgency before and to make it worse he's kissing her back just as hotly. Kate has her fingers on the back of neck while she tries to bring herself closer. She needs to be chest to chest but even that won't be enough. She wants more of him; all of him.

Just as quickly she opened her mouth to him silently giving him permission to explore her mouth. And he did unknowingly giving her permission as well. He tasted sweet like the cake but there was spice that was so entirely him that it had her deepening the kiss to get more.

But the main thing that was driving her crazy was the fact that he wasn't touching her. Since he pulled her down on top of him his hands have stayed on the couch. Granted, they're fisted but still. She wants him to touch her, its literally driving her so mad that she's on the brink of begging.

"Castle," she whispered against his lips. When that didn't work Kate settled herself lower on his erection increasing the agonizing ache between her legs. She heard him groan as if he was in pain but still he didn't touch her. So she circled herself on his lap sharpening the throbbing on each of them.

It was then that he touched her; brought his hands to her waist to stop her from moving. But he couldn't control her; she kept going and going moving in small circles on his penis. He couldn't help himself. He wanted to drive her crazy but instead she ended up doing that to him. He couldn't hold back now, he recaptured her lips and brought one hand to rest on the back of her back.

He pulled her closer tasting her as deeply as he could. His grip on her waist and neck tightened and he sat up straighter. He wanted to flip them so that he was on top but just as he was about to she screamed out.

"Oh God Castle! Oh my-." She quickly stood up to get off his lap. "Your phone," she said breathless. "It's vibrating."

"I thought that was you!" He yelled quickly going to grab his phone from his pocket. He also grabbed Kate's arm before she had the chance to walk away. He pulled her back down on his lap and gave her a look that said "don't move."

"Hello," he greeted when he answered the phone. She could tell he wasn't really listening to whoever was on the phone because he was too busy staring at her hungrily and kneading her breasts through her shirt. Kate didn't let the fact that he was on the phone stop her in fact she took advantage of the opportunity. She began kissing on his neck and nibbling on his ear causing him to stumble and stutter when he talked. "Okay thanks for the heads up Alexis."


	28. Chapter 28

**Props go to theputz913 on the book title. She really helped me out because I couldn't think of a good one. But I love hers. Thanks again!**

Kate's head shot up at the sound of his daughters name. She could not be doing this to Castle knowing his daughter is on the phone. Its just wrong on so many levels. She got up from his lap and stood at the end of the couch. Castle of course never took his eyes off her. He was giving Alexis noncommittal answers while undressing Kate with his eyes. She could feel his gaze seeping through her as if he was actually looking at her bare body. The sensation had her panting and so weak kneed that eventually they have out and she fell to the floor. She couldn't stand it anymore.

"You wanna talk to Kate? Well she's on the floor right now." He paused to listen to what she was saying. "I don't know. I guess she just can't stand me," he said with an air of amusement.

She brought her head up over the couch to glare at him. Alexis s a smart girl she'd be able to figure out what's going on in a heartbeat.

"Yeah she's right here," he said holding the phone out to her. Kate reluctantly came back over to Castle and took the phone. She's happy to be talking to Alexis because she hadn't heard from her in a couple of days but she isn't happy about the circumstances going on. It seems like in all the years she and Castle have known each other someone is always interrupting them from something intimate.

"Hi Alexis." She paused to listen to Alexis. "Yeah your dads right here." Another pause. "Why? What's going on?" She asked walking out of the living room so Castle couldn't hear.

"You left dad?"

"Yeah I'm in the other room."

"Good. Its about my boyfriend."

"Oh! Have you talked to him?"

Alexis sighed before answering. "No not yet. I'm still deciding on what I want to do."

"You've come to a decision?" Kate asked. When she went to go sit on the bed someone pulled her back up. When she saw Castle she tried to shove him away but he picked her up and carried her back to the couch.

"You can't just leave me like that," he whined. Kate put her finger to his mouth to get him to be quiet. Clearly he isn't supposed to hear this conversation and if Alexis hears him the girl might never trust her again.

"Was that dad?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah but don't worry he's not listening." Technically she wasn't lying because Castle's too busy kissing her neck to worry about what they're talking about. "So have you come to any conclusion?"

"Yeah I think so. I think I wanna wait because rushing into it could only mean problems."

"Great for Alexis. I knew you'd do the right thing."

"You were hoping I said no?"

"Of course. But even if you had did it I would've still stood by you."

"Thanks Kate," Alexis said smiling.

"Always."

Kate hung up the phone and pried herself away from Castle. "Come on Castle."

"What were you guys talking about?"

"Oh nothing."

"Kaaaate."

"What did she tell you?" she asked trying to change the subject.

"About the weather. She said she doesn't know exactly where we are so she wanted to give us a heads up about the hurricane warning."

"There's gonna be a hurricane?" Kate asked starting to panic. "Shit Castle we have to go get supplies."

"Why? Is it gonna hit us?"

"Just the smallest storm could knock out the little power we do have."

"We can just use candles. We've survived on them this long."

"No Castle. The water runs on electricity too. I remember one summer we came down here for a week," Kate began explaining while putting on some shoes. "I plugged in my laptop and one of the fuses blew. knocked out the whole cabin including the water. Three days we had to wait until someone could fix it."

Castle whined but quickly stopped. "This isn't over," he said. "Don't think you're getting out of it."

"Lets go. We should get there before it starts raining. The closest store is the gas station but I don't think they'll have much. But the nearest market is fifty miles out," she explained to keep the topic off of their sexual encounter.

"We'll be fine. All we need is what? Water and some batteries?"

"O-k."

* * *

When they were on their way back is when the heavy winds started to pick up and the ice cold rain started to fall. After they parked they dashed down the long path to get inside the cabin. Once inside they kicked off their wet shoes and set down the grocery bags.

"We should charge our phones now. Just in case the power does go out," Kate warned.

"I'll put all this away you go handle the phones."

In the bedroom Kate plugged in both of their iphones in the outlet by Castle's side of the bed. Next to it she found a brown carry bag that she's only seen Castle use once and that was when they first were working together and he carried around notes for his next book.

He just finished his book so what could he possibly have notes on now, she mused.

Just as she was reaching for the bag she felt the house shake and then the power went out. "Castle!" she called. She walked out into the kitchen to find him kneeling by an open window for light. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to put the batteries in the flashlight. But I can't see which way it goes. Ha! Got it," he yelled turning on the light.

"Congrats but I think we should use the candles. We can have those burn longer than we can have the flashlights on. And plus we have multiple fireplaces so those will have to suffice until morning. The power could be out for a while."

"Yeah. Alexis said the storm was going to be pretty bad. She didn't happen to mention where she was staying did she?"

In fact she did. She was in the bathroom of her boyfriend's apartment when she called. If she was smart she'd stay there but if she was smart she wouldn't. Especially not if his power goes out as well. Kate just decided to put to the back of her mind. Alexis is a smart girl she trust that she'll figure it out.

"At a friends I think, but I wouldn't worry about her too much. If she called to tell you then she must be setting herself up too."

"Yeah you're probably right."

"What are we going to do now?" she asked a moment.

"Hide and seek. In the dark. Alexis and I use to play all the time."

"No I'm too tired. Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," he said pointing the light in her direction.

"What's in that brown bag?" Its been nagging at her since she laid eyes on it.

Castle went quiet for a moment. He wasn't expecting this. He didn't want her to know he brought the book until they've been here longer and they worked everything out. But what's the harm now, they seem to be better after all they've talked about.

"My book," he finally said.

Her eyes went wide. "You haven't e-mailed it?"

"No I did. This is the very first printed copy of it. Straight from computer through my printer."

Kate turned around to look at the bedroom as if she could see it from where she was standing. "Why'd you bring it?" She's really hoping he brought it for her because she's been dying to read one of his books and what's better than a new one no one has read yet?

"I wanted you to read it."

Her eyes shot up to meet with his. "Why didn't you tell me about it sooner?"

"I wanted to wait a couple of days."

"Can I see it now?"

"Of course but let me get it for you."

With castle holding the only light he led the way to the bedroom. He pulled the book out of his bag and handed it to Kate. It was too dark so she couldn't see what was written but she could make out words on the front cover. Castle went to the opposite side of the small room and set the fireplace to life, lighting up the whole room but giving it a romantic flare. He also lit the candles on each of the bedside tables.

Now there was enough light so Kate could read the title. When she read it her mouth dropped open and her heart sank to her stomach.

Tale of a Broken Hearted Fool. By Richard Castle.

"Castle I-" she cut off, unsure of what exactly to say. "I'm so sorry."

Castle knelt down in front of her and took the book out of her lap. "For what?"

"For breaking your heart." She covered her face with her hands so he wouldn't see the tears forming. She really hurt him and she could never forgive herself for that.

"Kate are you flattering yourself?"

She stood up abruptly to move to the doorway. The farthest corner of the room. He could tell she was in no mood for jokes.

"Kate," he said taking either side of her face in his hands. "Yes you did break my heart but at the same time I broke my own. That night I was determined not to let you win. I wasn't going to let you back in my heart and by doing so I caused myself that pain. You were bearing your heart to me and I just shrugged it off because of pride. Don't cry please don't cry."

Kate didn't respond after he explained. She simply kissed him lightly on the lips. "Castle."

"Hmm," he said resting his forehead against hers.

In a low voice she whispered. "Make love to me."

She's not so scared anymore.


	29. Chapter 29

**I know you guys deserve this after all the trouble I've put you through but I don't think I did a good enough job. Please let me know what you think!**

**Rating Officially changed to M!**

* * *

He was surprised by her request no doubt, but he didn't let that stop him from coming through. He didn't speak but simply took her hands in his and silently asked her if she was sure. When she nodded shyly he didn't hold back or question her again.

On her nod he kissed her. His hands ended up from her face to wrapped around her waist while hers were curled around his neck. He didn't start out kissing her lightly so it could escalate, he kissed her hard and slow. He wanted to draw out the pleasure, increase the passion. He never let up and he didn't want to. He's wanted her for six years, they don't need to part their mouths or have a breather.

Castle eventually pushed her up against the wall and she made herself a mental reminder that Richard Castle likes to make out against hard surfaces. His lips were relentless and definitely is a master of the mouth.

When he heard her moan is when he decided to take it a step further. He kissed his way down her neck and chest, pinning her hands to her sides so she couldn't touch him. When he reattached their lips he kissed her faster like he had a vengence against her mouth. Kate couldn't keep up. He was everywhere at once but not in the places she needed him to be.

With his hands on her hips he lifted her and she circled her legs around his waist to support herself. He kept digging deeper and deeper into her mouth that Kate thought she would evenually pass out. But he tasted so good. Sweet like chocolate and dazzling like the champagne but there was something else she could feel in the way he kissed her. Something she didn't feel with their little kisses or when they were on the couch. The only time she felt it was when they first kissed three and a half years ago. It was _desire_.

His hands are holding her tightly against him and she can feel an ache begin deep in the core between her legs. She wants him, now. Castle kneaded his hand into her hair while the other held her up then slid it slowly down her spine. It's when she shivered against him that he peeled her from the wall and walked backwards towards the bed. Bolts of lightening and shots of thunder sounded in the sky but neither even acknowledged the sounds. They were too busy being lost in each other.

He turned around when he got to the bed and dropped her on it without a second thought. For a second she was free but he was right back on her again just as quickly as he dropped her. Again he captured her lips with his and never let up. Kate tried to get some space by scooting up the bed but he came with her, stripping her of her shirt while doing so. She took the opportunity to do the same thing with his and flung it across the room.

Castle stayed on top of her, not suffocating her, but keeping his body smashed against hers. He wants to feel her even when his hands aren't on that patch of skin. He's not being cautious or asking for permission he's simply taking and giving. He's touching her where he wants, how he wants and it's driving her crazy. He's touching everywhere but not the places she desparately needs him most.

She managed to crawl up the bed and laid her head on the pillow. That's when Castle looked up at her and shook his head.

"It's better if you lay flat." He didn't wait for her to say anything but just took all the pillows off the bed and onto the floor. Then took her by her legs, just under her knee, and pulled her back down into him causing her to make a whimpered sound. He loved it. He will try for the rest of his life to make her make that sound again. It was enough to have him coming before he was even inside her. When he pulled her down he slid his hands down and pulled on the black leggings she'd worn to the store off.

Their kisses were hot and heavy and violent. He surrounded her with his lips, teeth, and tongue all being used to bring her down into oblvion. He wanted her to be a weeping mess, unable to handle the pleasure he'd give her. But at the same time he wanted to prove to her just how intense his love for her is, how deep it runs.

Kate isn't getting enough. She needs him yet he refuses to touch her, to do the things she asked him to do. "Castle," she whispered. A beg, a plea if you will. He then rose above her. He wanted to see her face when he did this. Slowly he ran his hands up her sides, over her stomach,up her arms, until he reached her bra. Kate sat up a bit so he could reach behind to unsnap it. When he did he met her eyes and held her gaze while he pulled it down revealing her to him for the first time.

Very very slowly Castle drew his hand to her breast and rubbed it in his palm but never wavered his eyes from Kate's. He couldn't bring himself to look yet. Then just as slowly he broughthis other hand up to rub small circles on the other one. He squeezed and kneaded them and caressed them. He's waited so long for this.

When he finally cast his eyes down to look at her his breath caught in his throat.

She's beautiful.

The candlelight is adding to her beauty too. Electrifying her marvelous skin and yes even her scar. The bullet scar that he knows is a constant reminder of when she almost died, of the thing that broke her back down and caused all this heartache for them. But it's not. The bullet scar is a reminder of her strength, of her ability to fight and survive. This scar shows that she's lived through hell and seen death and still managed to come back to life and live. This scar...adds to her beauty.

"Oh God," she whined covering her face with her hands.

"What's wrong?" he asked completely worried that he hurt her.

"Nothing its just-just that you're making me feel," she paused again. "Like a virgin."

He didn't mean to laugh, it just came out as soon as she'd said it so he couldn't hold back. "Like a virgin huh?" She nodded. "Touched for the very first time?"

She punched him in the arm. "It's not funny!"

"No no I'm sorry Kate. It's just I guess it's just the woman in you." She was already getting ready to hit him again before he finished. "That brings out the man in me."

"Haha funny man." She smiled the whole time. "I'm serious."

"So. Am. I," he said leaning back down and kissing her again.

**Decided to split it into two!**

**The songs? Because I don't think their first time was too serious. **


	30. Chapter 30

As he kissed her he lifted her hands above her head and slid

his fingers down the length of her arms back down her waist.

They both were bare chested now, each one rubbing against

the other. Castle moved from her lips and worked his way down

to her neck, kissing and nipping as he went along. Then down to

her collarbone where he bit down slightly then soothed the spot

with his tongue. He then went from her chest all the way to her

navel. All the while holding her tightly. While he worked his way

past her navel down to her hips Kate's breathing picked up.

He was finally going to be where she ached for hi,, where she

needed him the most. Castle had his hands on the hem of her underwear;

feeling the dampness there. He couldn't resist anymore he has to

pull the, down and off. He's always wanted to be here. For six years

he's dreamed about being the man who gets to do this to her.

And now she lays completely bare before him.

"Make love to me," she had said earlier. That's exactly what he intends on doing.

He'll show her how much he loves her, he'll show her how much he wants her, he'll

show her how long he's waited for her and how happy he is to finally have her.

He quickly ridded himself of the remainder of his clothing then was back on

her in an instant. He doesn't want to tease her too much, this is their first time

and he wants it to last. On top of her again he brought his lips back to hers while

his hands rested on either side of her body. She could feel how hard he was

against her and she couldn't wait anymore. She wants him inside her.

Every time he moved he rubbed her upper thigh and it's making her see stars.

He feels magnificent and they haven't even done anything yet. While he kissed

her she ran her fingers through his hair and down his back until she reached his

butt. She squeezed it then gripped it firmly in both palms. She's wanted to touch

it for so long now. When she did she felt him harden against her thigh. She wants

him inside her, now. She doesn't think she'd be able to hold out much longer.

"I want you," he whispered in her ear. That's when she decided to place her legs

on either side of him, opening herself up to him.

"Take me," she mouthed to him. He lost it. The last of his resolve to hold and

wait it out. He had to have her, he needed her. He kissed her one last time before

positioning himself right before her. He's finally going to make love to her. Kate

Beckett, the woman he's been in love with for so long.

Just the thought, the knowledge that he is, is bringing him closer to the

edge. "Look at me," he said to her. He wants to watch her eyes light up

when he enters her for the first time. They stared into each others eyes while

he slid in her and the second he did…he came.

"Oh God," she breathed arching up into him. Her fingers were clawed into his arms.

"Shit! Damn it I'm sorry Kate," he yelled, angry with himself. He moved from

on top of her but she followed him up. "I didn't. ugh! Protection Kate."

When she felt him sliding out of her she bit down on her lip but stopped him.  
"Don't! Don't do that. It's okay. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm on the pill Castle." She laid back down and brought him with

her connecting her lips with his. The little movement he's doing

inside her already is so electrifying that Kate doesn't think she'll be

able to take it. The pleasure is already so immense and electric that Kate

knows he's going to drive her crazy.

That's when he began slow steady strokes in and out of her. Above them

lightening and thunder never ceased to calm and neither is the beat of their hearts.

He didn't want to go to fast, he wanted this to last. Castle pushed inside her gain

and he clenched his teeth to keep from making any sounds. It felt so good to be

inside her wet, hot, and pulsating threshold. It's unlike anything he's ever felt before.

Out he slid slowly and looked down to see her face. She had her eyes shut tightly

and her teeth buried in her bottom lip. Castle came down and connected his chest

with hers then used hi free hand to pry her lip away from the pain of her teeth.

She opened her mouth to him and he took her lip into his mouth. Using his

tongue to smooth over and ease the torturous pain the lip was in. he then

kissed her, silently letting her know she didn't have to keep it in; that he

wants to hear her scream. He doesn't want to see her hurt herself.

He stayed close and she wrapped her arms around him, her hands landing

on his lower back. He was driving her crazy with his slow movements.

She wants this desire to fuck him senseless to be fulfilled but he won't

let her. Instead he stops her when she tries to coax him to move faster

by pinning her hands above her head. Which does nothing but drive her

more wild. He won't let her take over. He's doing exactly what she asked

him to do, make love to her. So he's doing all the work which frustrates

her which makes him feel that much better when he touches her. It's intensified.

God, he feels so good sliding in and out of her. She wants this moment to last forever.

Castle leans in above her supporting himself with his forearms so he could

see her face. Her brows were furrowed slightly and lip between her teeth yet

again. He can't keep doing this.

He speeds up.

Just a little.

Kate glides her hands down a few inches to grip his butt. Each hand firmly

placed on a cheek she spreads them apart every time he drifts back inside

her slickness, driving him closer to the edge every time, and speeding him up

just a fraction more.

The heat between them is rising higher with every breath they take. They're

both sweating and panting, waiting for what they both know is coming. No

pun intended.

The intensity was increasing, the pleasure growing, his erection

hardening, and all of it together getting ready to push her to the edge.

Her dreams and fantasies are nothing compared to this.

She's trying so hard not to scream out, not to make any noises

what so ever but he's making it difficult. Castle shifted himself

to get into her from a different angle causing her to curse.

"Fuck," she whispered through clenched teeth. "Castle!" Kate curled

her toes and gripped the sided of the bed tight in her fists. She held on  
so tightly that her knuckles turned pale white and she could feel the sheet

peeling off the bed from how hard she was gripping it.

Castle was seeing stars. He truly has never experienced anything as mind

blowing as making love to Kate Beckett. He could feel himself about to

climax but he tried to hold on as long as possible; draw it out.

When Castle leaned down to capture her lips with his he bit down on it

causing her to shiver under him. It was enough to send her into climax.

Kate could no longer hold herself back. She cried out, screaming his name

with her. One hand clenched the bed side while the other fisted in his hair.

She could feel herself coming down hard on him and the pleasure was just

becoming so unbearable but she didn't want it to stop.

"Oh yes! Don't stop Castle."

At the sound of her begging he came inside her. Planting his seed deep within

the woman that he loves the woman he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Neither one of them have ever had a climax last so long. He feels himself

spilling and spilling yet it's still going and it feels so good, she feels so good.

She feels the increased amount of heat and she just can't take it anymore.

It feels too good. He's the first man she's ever allowed to arm her this way.

"Castle please," she begged never ceasing her death grip on the bed. That was

enough persuasion for him to once again speed up his movements. This time to

a fast more frantic pace. He knows they're both going to build up again and he

can't wait to take her over the edge again. He can't wait to make her scream his

name again.

Castle pumped into her hard and rested one hand on her hip to stop her from

grinding against him. He didn't want to come to quickly. He wants to look in her

eyes when she goes over.

She's in heaven. He's electrifying. Literally sending bolts of lightening down

and around and all over her body.

He knows she's about to come because she's making that whimpering sound

repeatedly and it's driving him insane, right off the damn cliff of sanity.

And just like that they both came. Hard. And together.

But instead of crying out Kate's mouth opens on silent scream, her body

arching off the bed. Her breath caught somewhere in her throat and her mind

completely empty.

She's staring up at the ceiling but all she sees is colors and stars exploding

in the air. Two tears surface and fall silently down her cheeks.

When they both rode out their second orgasm and came back down

to earth Castle fell down against her. He stayed for a second to drink

her in, to let the moment settle around them. He kissed her slowly as

he gently slid out of her trying desperately not to wince at the sensitive

sensations still there. He then lied next to her on the bed, panting and

tired just like her.

When they've finally caught their breath Castle turned to look at her.

"You were right," he said. "I had no idea."

Kate sat up to come closer to him. She laid one hand gingerly across his

cheek. Looking him directly in the eye she shook her head no to tell him

he was wrong. "I'm the one who had no idea."

She leaned forward and captured his mouth with hers and then crawled

on top of him. Instantly his hands came to rest on her hips. "I love you,"

she whispered into his ear. It's the first of many.

Four times.

Four times they made live that night to the sound of thunder pounding

down on them. But neither cared because they were too lost in the sounds

of their bodies expanding the love they have for each other. Until the candles

and the fireplace burned out neither cared about the storm but with it being

dark now Castle used the moonlight to see her.

He now knows that no amount of darkness can shield her beauty.


	31. Chapter 31

**Guests always leave the most hurtful reviews…**

14 hours.

The slept for fourteen hours after the both settled and finally went to sleep. It was around four am when they went to bed and it was the best nights sleep either one of them have had in a long time. They're so tired that they probably could have slept for a few more minutes but they have biological needs to fulfill.

They're starving.

"Castle," Kate whispered and nudged him in his arm. "Castle." He just turned the other way. "Castle. Wake up."

"Are you trying to kill me woman?"

"I'm sorry but you need to wake up. You need to eat something."

"Five more minutes."

"It's six o'clock." He shrugged. "In the evening."

He turned back around but his eyes were still closed. Kate smiled at him and waited and when she saw his smile she knew he was remembering last night too. When he opened his eyes he stared for a little while at the woman laying next to him. The blankets were barely covering her naked body and her hair somehow ended up coming out of it's braid and into a bushy mess. It's cute.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I am kinda hungry."

"I knew you would be."

Kate threw on one of Castle's shirts while Castle just put on a pair of his boxers. They walked to the kitchen together in silence. Kate stood by the counter while Castle went to the refrigerator and started pulling out random contents of food. Fruit, juices, rotisserie chicken, and even ice cream.

"We should eat the ice cream first. The power's still out."

"It's still raining," she said sarcastically.

"Come here and eat this food."

Her smile hasn't gone away yet and she can start to feel her cheeks hurt. It seems that as long as she's around Castle that it won't go away because when she came to take a strawberry her smile widened. She doesn't know why but she has a clue.

The spent the rest of the evening eating and smiling and staring. They had another laision afterwards and now are just laying in the bed while the only light in the room is from the fireplace. Kate's head is tucked in Castle's chest and her arms around is torso. Castle is playing with her hair.

"Can I ask you a question?" she asked.

"Of course."

"It's serious."

He looked down at her. "What is it?"

"What're you doing to do about Nikki?"

Castle sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm not sure yet. But I know I'm not done with her yet."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Kate smiled and kissed him lightly. They sat there silently for a few more minutes until Kate got up and walked to the other end of the room after putting on a shirt. "What're you doing?"

"There's something I've been dying to do since yesterday and since we aren't currently in…relations I thought better take advantage of the opportunity."

When she picked up Castle's book from the table is when he spoke again. "You're ditching me for my own book?"

"I'll come back to you later."

"At least read naked."

Kate laughed. "You wish."

When she opened the book past the title page she almost couldn't believe her eyes. The dedication, it's to her. Why? Why would he make it out to her after everything she's done?

**_"To the real KB who broke me down and built me up, you still inspire me, not only to be a better writer, father, and son, but also a better man."_**

"What's wrong?" Castle asked noticing the concern appear on her face.

"Nothing," she lied. She thought it best to not get into right now. It's not that she doesn't love the fact that he has dedicated another one of his books to her but she just doesn't feel as if she deserves it. Not after all the shit she put him through.

Kate can tell that this book will be different from his previous ones. She's just curious about how different it will be and if she'll like it.

While Kate read by the fire place Castle stepped out and made a few phone calls to people he knows probably would like to speak with him. Like Gina. Ugh! He doesn't want to but he knows she's probably already received his manuscript and has read it. She probably has feedback that she wants him to get to ASAP because his book is due like yesterday. He's hanging by a string with Black Pawn and they could cut him down at any time.

When he went to call her he saw he had four missed calls from her. He listened to the first message.

**"You need to call me. We have to talk about your book."**

He listened to the second.

**"Richard! What the hell is this? You don't write these types of books. Black Pawn might have to drop you for this. I got you one last chance and you go and pull something like this! I tried Rick I really did."**

He listened to the third.

**"I couldn't even finish your book. It's not what I asked for and I'm sorry to tell you that you might need to start looking for another line of work."**

By the fourth he didn't even want to talk to her. But he listened to the last message anyway.

**"Hey."** She's crying? **"I finished the book. Oh my goodness I'm sorry for yelling. I love it Richard. They want to publish it right away and they're even talking a movie. Call me when you get the chance we have to schedule a meeting with your bosses."** There was a pause. **"It's your best book. Amazing job."**

Castle was standing there staring at his phone in disbelief. He couldn't wrap his brain around the fact that Gina was actually crying and it's because his book is good. His book is good. Oh my. It's just hitting him. The reality of what she said. They love the book!

He called back instantly.

"Hello."

"Hey Gina it's me."

"Where have you been? I've been covering for you for the past couple of days."

"I'm on vacation."

"Well you need to come off. Your meeting with the executive is next week."

"Uh," he turned in the direction of Kate. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Rick. We need to move on this. The book is perfect I have no notes. I don't want to change anything. But there is something I wanna say."

"What?"

"Why did you end it that way? That's why I cried."

"It seemed like the right thing to do."

"No it wasn't. It was stupid. But that ending is gonna help it sell. That and the title. Why did you choose that title?"

"Because that's what the book is. The title literally is what it is. I didn't want to be misleading."

"Okay I get it. I'll call with more details later. But for now whatever it is that you're doing figure out how to get out of it."

"I get to keep my job?"

"Yes. You made it by an inch. Half an inch I should say."

"Thank you Gina. For everything."

"Don't mention it."

Castle hung up and walked back into the bedroom with a smile on his face. Kate was well into the book and didn't notice him come back in. but after about fifteen minutes of him blatantly staring at her she looked up.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just got some good news that's all."

"What is it?"

"I'll tell you later. Keep reading."

"You're gonna stare at me while I read?"

"Why not?" Kate just smiled and shook her head.


	32. Chapter 32

**_I know I know…_**** I owed you guys a chapter.**

He woke to cries. Female cries. And it was a deep weeping as if someone had hurt her. Castle sat up in bed and turned to his left only to find that side of the bed empty. Once his eyes adjusted to the light he saw Kate sitting across the room on a pile of pillows with a stack of papers in her hands. His book.

She has her knees up to her chin and her head hidden inside her lap. Probably to muffle her cries.

"Kate, what's wrong?" he crawled out of the bed to kneel down in front of her.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I would've woken up when you got into bed anyway."

She shook her head. "I'm sorry for this," she said holding his book up. "I had no idea how much pain I put you through. I don't deserve you."

"Kate that's nonsense. And don't forget I had to romanticize it. It comes off worse than what it really is."

"But you can't tell me that the pain I put you through isn't real."

Castle sighed and wrapped his arms around Kate's body. "Look Kate. That night we both hurt each other. Even before then. So it only makes sense that I was hurt badly. But look at us now. I've forgiven you, you've forgiven me and we're moving on from there. Together."

"Then why'd you end it that way?"

"Book sales."

"I'm serious."

"It seemed more realistic that way. The ending does not reflect us in anyway."

"What about the dedication? I didn't do those things Castle. I broke your heart your trust," she started choking up again.

"In those two years we were apart. I grew a lot. And if it weren't for that broken heart I would've never healed old wounds and learned how to live and grow and forgive the way I do now. Yes Kate in so many ways you've made me a better man than I use to be. The dedication is true and I won't change it."

She just looked up at him and saw nothing but truth in his eyes.

Kate leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you too. Now come to bed. It's late. And I know you're tired."

She let him drag her into bed but she had no intention of sleeping. That night Kate made love to Castle. She just had to show him that she's sorry for all the pain and suffering she's put him through. No matter how many times he says that he's forgiven her she'll never forgive herself for leaving that night.

She showed him that she'll always be his no matter what and that she'll love him forever. And he understood the message clearly.


	33. Chapter 33

So I know I missed three updates but I have a reason. My godmother came into  
town. I barely ever get to see her because I live in MD and she lives in North  
Carolina.

I'm so sorry. I'll try to stay on schedule from here.

* * *

Slowly Kate crawled on top of him. He knows what she's doing and if it helps her  
feel better about the book then he'll do anything to help her too.

While she's straddling his lap she eases their lips together and kisses him with  
an intense passion. The little bit of clothing they have on comes off quickly  
and Kate suddenly can't control herself much longer. She's getting too eager,  
too impatient for teasing; anxious.

She has to have him. Now. And she'll show him now how much he means to her.  
She'll show him just how much she's sorry for her own stupidity, she'll show him  
just how much her love for him has built up and harbored in her heart. She has  
to show him. There's no other way. There aren't words to describe the way she  
feels about him.

"Castle," she whispered eyes closed and forehead pressed against his. She raked  
her fingers through his hair and raised herself up. Giving him permission to  
rest his hands on her hips. Kate opened her eyes she gazed right into Castle's  
while she lowered herself onto his now hardened shaft.

She almost came apart just from the feeling of him slipping inside her. When he  
was fully inside her she kept her eyes on his then lifted herself back up and  
down again. Quickly she found a rhythm that both of them could handle but it  
still wasn't enough. Kate's in control now and she wants to go faster. Harder.

Castle's in complete ecstasy. He'll never tire of being intimate with Kate.  
Every time so far it's gotten better and better. And now that Kate is in control  
he can't take it. It's too intense for him.

And now she's going faster, her grip in his hair getting tighter, the nails in  
his back digging deeper. And it just feels so damn good that he wants to _bang_ _his _  
_head against the wall. _

"God Kate!" He yells through clenched teeth. One hand slides to her thigh and  
the other rests on her waist. His grip tightens as she rides him. Every movement  
of her body is thought out, every touch and grind and caress of her body is to  
show him, to let him feel how deeply, how strongly she loves him. And he knows.  
He can see it in her eyes, hear it in her moans, and feel it from her body. He  
knows.

He knows.

She is forgiven. She knows that. But can she forgive herself?

When she can feel herself about to come she pulls him up to a sitting position  
and looks him dead in the eyes. She slides both hands to the back of his neck.  
Kate lifted herself up again and slammed back down, never wavering her gaze.

Faster and faster she goes. Their chests molding together. Breath coming out in  
frantic puffs. _Ugh!_ And she can't take it. Kate throws her head back as she  
comes and yells out his name.

He follows right behind her, spiraling into an unknown expanse filled of nothing  
but fireworks and the warmth of love capturing him and guiding him to a  
satisfactory release. He's never come so hard before.

"Are you okay?" He asked her. She answered by collapsing her body down on his.  
If it weren't for the bed holding them up they'd both be sated and breathless on  
the floor.

"Mm goog," she mumbles, unable to produce words coherently. But this is Kate  
Beckett. She tries again. "I'm okay. You?"

"Oh yeah!" He says almost a little to brightly. "I'm good. I'm great!"

She laughs splendidly and so full of emotion that it turns contagious. Castle  
can't help but laugh with her.

When they calmed down Castle gave her a serious look.

"Kate. You know how I feel about you. I've felt this way a very long time and  
nothing can change that. So this guilt you feel from that night or from how it  
made me feel over the past two years, you can let it go. You have nothing to  
prove. I know how you feel about me."

"But-"

"No. Kate I know. I see it in your eyes, I feel it when you touch me." He took  
her hands in his. "It's even in the way you speak to me. I love you and you love  
me. So don't worry about how I felt these past two years because even then, in  
the darkest times I still loved you and I wanted you. Please don't let this get  
in the way of a better us."

"Castle. These things don't just go away overnight."

"I know they don't. I have my own guilt. I know the pain I made you feel and no  
matter what I know I can't take that back. But I want us to grow and move past  
this so we can be better, stronger partners then we were before."

"Okay. I'll try."

"That's all I ask." Kate then smiled. Widely and brightly. "What?" He asked  
cautiously but mimicking her smile.

"I love you."

He huffed out a breath and wrapped his arm around the small of her back, tugging  
her closer. He rested his head against hers and closed his eyes.

"And I love you."


	34. Chapter 34

When both Castle and Beckett find the energy to get off the floor they thought it would be best to take a shower. That way they could try to work out some of their sore muscles and freshen up. With only one candle lighting up the bathroom they could barely see but had to make do. But then as they were getting out the lights came back on.

"Finally," Kate breathed. Wrapped in her towel and hair dripping wet she quickly made her way out to the bedroom where her phone was located. Her battery died not too long after her last phone call with Alexis so she wants to make sure she didn't miss any phone calls from her. And not to mention any calls from Gates at the precinct. That'd be a call she wouldn't want to miss.

"Kate?" When she didn't respond Castle yelled louder. "Kate! You took the last towel!"

Kate plugged in her phone and proceeded to get dressed. "Looks like you'll have to air dry!" She laughed.

He walked out of the bathroom soaking wet and hiding nothing. "You think this is funny?"

"Just a little yeah," She blushed. "Just use mine."

"Nope. I'll air dry. Matter of fact, I'll just walk around naked."

"Suit yourself," She said trying to sound indifferent but it wasn't working as well as she hoped because she could feel how red her face was turning.

While Castle walked around naked Kate decided to the time to clean up the bedroom a bit. The bed particularly. Those sheets need some serious cleaning. As she was stripping the bed Castle gave her a knowing look and she just shook her head at him.

"Where are the clean sheets?" he asked her.

"Closet next to the bathroom."

She had everything balled up in her hands when her phone beeped three times back to back indicating that it had enough power to cut back on. She checked what they were. A voicemail from Alexis and Lanie and a text from Lanie. Kate could only imagine what Lanie will say. She just hoped that she won't be mad at her when she finds out everything that happened and that the boys knew certain things before she did.

She listened to Alexis's voicemail.

Hey Kate I really have to talk to you. I got stuck at his place because of the hurricane and when the power went out he started getting violent. Just call me when you get this.

"Castle!" She yelled.

"Yeah." He appeared holding the new sheets in his hand.

"Did Alexis call you?"

"Not that I know of." He went to check his phone but his had died since he talked to Gina. He plugged it in and then turned back to Kate. "Why? She called you?"

"Yeah. I think she's hurt."

"What?"

"She called me and said she got stuck at her boyfriends house during the hurricane and when the power went out he got violent. I think we need to go."

"Yeah. I'll put some clothes on. Is that all she said?"

She could see how concerned he is for his daughter. "Basically yeah. I'll call her and let her know that we're coming."

"Why was she even there?" he asked himself.

"Don't do that Castle. Alexis is a grown woman now. You're responsible for where she decides to go."

"But I'm still her father. I should know where she's going to be!"

Kate decided not to press him farther. She could only imagine how he must be feeling comparing it to her own guilt that she feels for not telling Castle what was going on.

When they were packed and dressed they headed out. On the drive over Kate listened to Lanie's voicemail.

Had an interesting conversation with Javier the other day. Call me.

She didn't sound upset but Kate knows better than to judge that from the sound of her voice. Her text message was along the same lines.

"Alexis called me too. She explained the whole situation with me. Why didn't you tell me she was having problems?"

"That's not exactly a conversation a girl wants to have with her father. She needed someone who could relate to her."

"I could've!" He yelled.

"Losing your virginity is different for a girl than it is for a guys."

"What?!"

Kate sighed loudly and closed her eyes. "That's not what she told you?"

"No. What the hell is really going on?"

"It's best you let her tell you. I've said too much already."

Castle just sighed and focused on the road ahead. Because of the light rain he has the top up on the car.

"I'll call her." After a few seconds she picked up. "Hey Alexis. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Nothing happened."

"I thought you said he was getting violent."

"He was but he caught himself then apologized a thousand times. I'm fine but I broke it off with him."

"Good that's great. But your dad and I are on the way now."

"No you guys don't have to-"

"Your dads worried about you. I think he needs to see you."

"Okay. Grams here now. But I'm telling you I'm fine."

Castle nudged Kate's arm. "He wants to talk to you." Alexis sighed and asked Kate if she told him. "Yeah I did. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Put him on."

Kate handed the phone to Castle.

"Alexis. Are you okay?"

Kate decided not to listen to their conversation and instead focus on what she's going to do about Lanie. And the pain she'll inflict on Esposito for opening his big mouth.


	35. Chapter 35

"Alexis!" Castle yelled walking into the loft.

"I'm fine Dad. I swear. I was just upset and needed someone to talk to," she explained standing up from the couch with her grandmother.

"Darling Alexis explained everything got me. She's okay." Martha pitched in.

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on with you? You know I'm always here for you right?"

"Of course Dad. I just didn't want you to freak."

Kate rested a hand on Castle's shoulder to get him to settle down. Alexis doesn't have to tell him everything that goes on with her anymore. She's off on her own now and she can make her own decisions. He really needs to take a step back and see it from her perspective.

She felt him take a deep breath. "I'm just happy you're okay. And if that guy bothers you again tell him I'm cool with the police."

Alexis chuckled and nodded before stepping closer to hug her father. "I'm sorry you had to rush back here. How was your trip?"

Castle turned to Kate and could tell she was fighting a smile. "Great. And much needed. But don't worry about. We were gonna have to come back sooner or later."

Alexis walked past her father to hug Kate. "Thanks for all your help."

"Of course."

"Are you staying the night with us?" Martha Asked Alexis.

"Yeah. It's late. I'll say bye before I leave in the morning."

"Yeah it's been a long day. I'll fix you breakfast," Castle said.

Later that night when everyone was settled down and unpacked Castle and Beckett were still up lying in bed.

"I'm sorry about today. I hope you don't think I blamed you for anything," he told Kate.

"It's alright. She's your daughter you want to know what's going on with her. I get it I do."

"But still."

"It's alright."

"There's something I have to tell you," he said suddenly turning serious. "Something important."

"What is it?" she asked scooting closer to him in the bed.

"I got a call from Gina the other day. She says that she loves the book and she wanted to hurry back into the city for an important meeting because they're already talking about a movie."

For so long Kate was quiet. She just had a shocked expression glued to her face. But then it turned into a huge smile.

"I'm so happy for you! This is great!" When she saw his expression she calmed down. "This is great right?"

"I was happy when I first got the news. But now that it's had to sit I'm worried. What if they make it look like the stupidest thing in the world? That book is one of the most emotional ones that I've ever written. What if they screw it up?"

"Well you choose who you want to do the movie. Whatever you don't like make it known. They need your permission anyway."

"Yeah maybe."

"When's the meeting?"

"Later this week."

"Well worry about it then. But for right now. We need to celebrate. Tomorrow I'll take you my treat."

"What're we doing?" he asked.

"It'll be fun. Trust me. But before that I'll need you to come with me to see Lanie."

"Why?"

"She'll want proof that we're together and not just what Esposito told her," she said with a hint of annoyance.

"Something tells me he's in trouble?"

"Big." Castle just laughed and shook his head. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

**From here we'll be speeding** **things up. The story is coming to an end and it's time to start setting it up. I don't want it to drag and plus with school starting monday I'll be busy so writing becomes a second priority.**


	36. Chapter 36

**I seen the promo for season six. I cannot wait until the twenty third!**

* * *

"Are you sure you wanna go through with this?" Castle asked Kate as she stood in  
front of the doors to the morgue. She's pacing back and forth and breathing  
heavily.

"Yeah. Yeah. She's my best friend I should have told her what was going on.  
Don't you have that meeting today? Shouldn't you be there?"

"Tomorrow. I'm going in with you. I'm sure she'll have questions for me too.  
Everyone's been waiting for us to get together from day one."

"I'll go first," Kate said still looking a little pale and queasy. "Why am I do  
nervous? It's just Lanie. She'll understand once I explain our situation."

"Of course she will," Castle said giving her a quick kiss on her cheek pushing  
her towards the door. "Take a deep breath. What's the worse that can happen?"

She's in Lanie's territory. All her medical tools are here so the worst that  
could happen...Kate ends up being a body in one of those drawers. She knows  
she's over exaggerating because Lanie would never do that. But it still doesn't  
make this any less scary.

Esposito is _sooo_ gonna get it.

When Kate walked through the door Lanie had her back to her. She cleared her  
throat to get her attention.

"Hey Lanie," Kate greeted timidly.

Lanie turned around and smiled. "Hey! Where've you been? I've been really  
worried about you."

"A little vacation to get my head on straight."

"Thought you had fallen off the Castle wagon," she said sitting down her  
paperwork and folding her arms. She gave Kate a knowing look to make her  
explain. "Turns out you have."

"I can explain."

"I hope so."

"I ran into Castle and we got to talking. I explained everything that I could  
and then I thought it'd be good for us to get away for a while so we could work  
on the foundation of our relationship. We barely contacted anyone. It was  
supposed just a secluded vacation with each other. I'm sorry for not telling you  
any of this. I wanted to keep the knowledge of Castle and I potentially getting  
together under wraps," Kate explained.

"I get that. And you know I wouldn't push for information if I know you aren't  
ready to tell. It just hurt that I heard about it through someone else."

"I'm sorry Lanie. I am truly."

"It's alright. Just don't let it happen again. Gimme a hug."

When they parted Kate asked how Esposito knew that she and Castle were together.

"He said he guessed. When you came into the precinct he figured the only reason  
for your return would have been for Castle. Since that's the reason why you  
left."

"Definitely not the only reason. I would never make choices based solely on a  
guy," Kate muttered.

"Anyway how are you and Castle? Things okay?" Lanie asked returning to her  
paperwork.

"Great! Amazing actually. We still have things we need to work through but for  
the most part we're good. It's or well, we are official."

"Have you guys," she gave Kate a look but continued. "Done it?" Kate shook her  
head but smiled and said yes. "Ha! I knew it! So details."

"I'm very good at telling stories but that one will have to remain with the main  
characters," Castle exclaimed when he walked into the morgue. "We're good here  
right?" He asked pointing between Kate and Lanie.

"Yeah." Lanie answered. "But don't think you're getting out of answering my  
question."

"Oh would you look at the time," Castle said checking his watch. "We're late for  
the thing."

"Kate!" Lanie whispered. And when Kate turned around Lanie held her hands out  
together about seven inches apart.

Then Kate mouthed "ten" before Castle dragged her out. In the hall she heard  
Lanie laughing.

"Would you have really told her?" Castle asked once out of ear shot.

"Not everything. Just the important stuff."

Castle chuckled lightly and took Kate's hand. "What do you wanna do today?  
Alexis wanted to get back to school and my mother is working on her new play for  
her students."

"I was actually gonna head back to my apartment for a while." Castle looked at  
her then stopped walking.

"You're not coming back to the loft?"

"I miss my apartment. But I need more clothes anyway."

"Oh. Okay. I get it, I understand." Castle took her hand again and presumed to  
walked forward.

"Castle I can tell you're upset. It's not that I don't want to live with you  
it's just that it's way too early for us to make a move like this."

"I know. Sad our vacation had to end shortly. I was looking forward to spending  
all day and night with you."

Kate smiled and shyly looked away from him. "We've still got a couple of weeks  
before I head back," she explained. "We have plenty of time to spend with each  
other."

"You're right. I'll drop you off at your place and then I'll call you after my  
meeting tomorrow."

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

_Three months Later_

Kate was watching over him. Standing right by his desk to make sure that he was  
doing what he was supposed to be doing. It's his job! He asked for it and now he  
has to pay the consequences.

When he finished the last sentence he threw his pen and stretched his fingers.

"A couple weeks down. And several more to go," exclaimed Kate. "How's it feel?"

"Like I'll never open my mouth again to anyone. I'm sorry," Esposito said.

"Too late to apologize. Better get started on your own paperwork now."

Kate walked back to her desk she could hear Ryan laughing at his partner. She  
smiled to herself as she sat down. Just like old times minus the mystery writer  
that's usually stuck to her side. He's attending his last meeting before he has  
to go to L.A. for his first book signing of his tour. He promised to stop by  
before he leaves though.

During these three months Kate's been accepted back into the precinct with open  
arms. Of course there were jokes about her being a "feebee" but she took them  
like a champion.

Gate's welcomed her back warmly and the boys made jokes about how she couldn't  
solve a case without them. Kate and Lanie have been spending larger amounts of  
time together off work.

Kate has spent majority of her weeknights with Castle at his loft and on the  
weekends he comes to her place. Since he'll be on your he gave her a key to his  
place so she could come in any time she wanted.

The past three months have been great. They both are finally on good teens with  
each other and aren't holding back from emotions anymore. They communicate as  
well as they ever had but it's definitely improving. She's glad she risked it  
when they ran into each other the second time because their relationship now  
couldn't be better.

"Hey Beckett!" Ryan yelled from across the bull pen. "We gotta fresh one."

* * *

**I could say this is the official last chapter. I wanna end it now because the **  
**love is no longer being denied. That's why I wanted to strengthen Kate's and **  
**Alexis' relationship. Since both Castle and Kate are in such a good place I feel **  
**the story doesn't need to go on much anymore. I will be doing an epilogue though.**

**I wanna thank all you guys so much for your support on this. If it wasn't for you this story would't have went anywhere. It's been a fun and long journey though. It's sad to see this come to an end but hopefully if you like this you'll consider reading any new stories of mine or current stories that I'm writing. Thank you all again so much. A special thank you goes out to theputz913 for all her love and support. She's just as a part of this story as I am. Thank you so much. **

**I hope you all enjoyed it and had fun on this ride. :)**


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